What an inconvenient time to be alive. I”M ALIVE ALERT AWAKE ENTHUSIASTIC!!!!! — INC - CW151 (complete this sem or you will repeat it) INC - CW141 (” “) INC - CL114 (” “) INC - CW130 (one more sem) INC most likely CL122 INC sure na ENG22 CW199 - I will pass it but at what cost????????? Take Fil115 next sem, NSTP 1, I need miracles — can’t tell if my stomach is doing that queasy thing because i’m on my period and the period poop feeling is in full swing or if i’m actually really anxious about having to write an exam on orwell. its coffee — just think, if i had had any beauty i would have probably liked to bask in my femininity and graces and show off just like all the other women who crave validation and get it through baring skin. i’m not a good person just because of my “privilege” of being too insecure and ugly relatively to be able to shed clothing and be confident wearing feminine things. — i just really really really want to go abroad. the future is not in the philippines. for all i know it’s gonna be consumed by disaster upon disaster because we are in the ring of fire and typhoon hotspot — don’t know what it is but whenever i get male attention which is very very rare, i find it really uncomfortable and i get really guilty for attracting their staring. i mean i like that they are staring esp. if i’m attracted to them but at the same time it’s like my brain tells me it’s wrong. what is a healthy sexuality anyway. God Himself or Jesus didn’t even elaborate how this is to be in the bible, but back then girls as young as 14, even Mary herself, got pregnant at a really problematic age which today we see as abhorrent. it’s probably catholic guilt. my brain is a mess. men like to look, women like to be looked at (blog and mablog something video). — i can’t really not buy whitening products. my skin is uneven and men like clear and glowing skin (”The Firecracker Girl” re: soft big boob flesh and clear and creamy skin as if those descriptions do not already make me wanna die). fuck. why do i bother. like, i look at product —> dope _add to cart_ _confirm_ something about the packaging, too. i’m a sucker for nice nice packaging. you can see through the marketing strategies but still your brain, or at least, the limbic system, doesn’t really care that it’s being manipulated. i mean beauty isn’t even a reliable indicator of fertility, because there are beautiful women with really good proportions who have hormonal problems that prevent them from having babies. it’s not even totally about the babies, or the telos. it’s the bonding and social feelings of dopamine and oxytocin you get from being in the presence of someone attractive regardless if you actually want a baby consciously out of many cultural reasons and individual priorities. — how do i know it’s a video porn-specific orientation? I don’t feel anything looking at pictures of naked women. when i was younger i looked at the vanessa hudgens pictures and kinda envied her tbh. like how much freedom she has to be able to look so confident and act sexily and smile and how much beauty she can give to cause men pleasure. — someday i’ll be so developed in my attention span capacity that i’ll leave this cesspool of sex and beauty and study physics concepts again because i just really like the language and concepts, though i find myself lost and confused half the time. for example, magnetism, torque, those vectors, etc. — I cannot get over how the illustration of Aubrey in “The Firecracker Girl” looks a lot like an idealized version of Audrey. Even their names rhyme. Wow he must feel so good about that. — 1. maybe the skill of the future is writing concisely as well as comprehensively. i mean how on earth?????? there are a lot of apps now that i can’t access like shortform etc. that summarize books into short guides sort of like sparknotes, but i would be missing a lot of the meat and experience of reading it. what do i really want? breadth or depth? i don’t really know how to balance anything yet as of now. i just “follow my nose” 2. skill of the future: attention and metacognition. please research this for your own good. maluoy ka about your future. kasayang ba if i just end up being a constantly lagging processor because i couldn’t manage any of God’s gifts to me. all my traumas have contributed to this and all my suffering as well, but also, i really need to look up and take responsibility. 3. Hell is knowing all your fears have some truth to them :) Like how I’m possibly coming off to people who have written thousands of papers by now and notice that I’m using a lot of conspicuous things they notice. I don’t know but I feel like I am the most aware person on earth and I can’t easily turn to rationalizations anymore like most people who go about their day in blissful ignorance. I actually envy that. Like how I noticed Eileen looking at my hands for such a long time in high school as I was making props (and why was I always the props person???? like every time something like a prop or art thingamajig had to be done i’m always entrusted with that responsibility). it made me feel really self-conscious. and that girl in CL111 or some other, I’m forgetting her name, was it Jarrelin? I stalked her once on Twitter or facebook and she said something about having big hands for a girl. And I really noticed her staring at my hands in class, and how she must have thought, wow, at least my hands are not as bad as hers. When I noticed my dad trying not to look at Vanessa the bigo live dancer maid’s artificially white legs with her short shorts as she was being asked by my mom to do some task in front of the family to take our picture in Ama’s room. How I got so mad to the point of going berserk and fought my parents about it and how she should not be dressing like that in our house. How my dad is already struggling with those thoughts anyway and feels bad and I felt so powerless to do anything about it because the fucking sexy maid is being a stumbling block to their sexless marriage. I feel like Candido in the joaquin story. Even in our own house my dad can’t catch a fucking break from this unfulfilling family life because there had been reminders. i mean who wants that? i was so happy when she was let go. 4. Always remember what you are. That way, you will never be driven or tossed by whichever storm or wind that attempts to influence your thinking. 5. Wow I just remembered something embarrassing (I will leave this to future me to remember lols). If one can remember one’s quality, texture, tone of thoughts of a past time, maybe then you’d have some idea of the past’s nature. 6. I’ve run out of spoons re: 1984 7. i need a fucking break. 8. LOA 1st sem 2022-2023, 2nd sem 2022-2023. get my shit together and actually develop discipline strategies to make myself into a person who gets things done well. Perhaps wait until ma’am Lee gets back? 9. forgot to answer SET. oh no fuck i can’t LOA 1st sem because my INCs. FUCK YOU PAST SELF. I mean I feel for you because you were trying to survive but still, AAAAAARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH