Spooky conspiracy plot concocted by God Himself: I will write the anti-porn bestseller now. Or game. Or whatever. I don’t know yet. I just found out today about “The Firecracker Girl” story by the Man, and I noticed the child and the ointment (my Porn the New Heroin intro has the anthill while this story has a green caterpillar), Francis (the many Francises or “free men”; in the story he’s rebelling against Big Brother; my random choice of a university), Aubrey (Ma’am Marby CW199), Paolo (Francis Paolo/Paolo Marko), Dinny (piano prodigy), Sara (the narrator and child who put up her nose to the caterpillar), Big Brother (Orwell in Eng 22 and “she’d won the game” in the story; ma’am made a game activity which I did not attend because I was out of sorts), “burn victim,” porn filter installed by Big Brother, the long-haired rebellious boyfriend, Eng 22 dynamite (OMG I had no idea why I chose that it was just a random choice). It’s all really spooky because I can see so many synchronicities in my own life in that story. I don’t know. And the big big bobbies. The short shorts (”pokpok shorts” in my draft). The fair skin that blinds (Lyesha Maria). The “pleasure and pain.” I really bought the Playboy issues back in early May on the 9th if I remember correctly, and I couldn’t find his story anywhere in the archive of pdfs, so I left it at that, thinking that I’d find it after the sem. And it turns out it’s on [Archive.org](http://archive.org/) in the May 2010 issue because I just had the itch to find it online thinking how could some dude on shopee get all the pdfs from 2009 onwards and sell it cheaply; it must be free somewhere. I will have to buy the hard copy to see if this story I found on Archive.org is legit. The dude who sold me the pdfs deleted it all for some reason. His name is FADE2BLACK (My “A Map of Pain” has a fade to black scene with Jiggy and Donna). God is sending me a pretty clear message. I need to do something about the porn menace and the ecclesiastical hypocrisy. There’s a reason why COVID happened. There’s a reason why I have monkeys and fruit juice (my emoji for the commonplace book in Notion) in my Porn the New Heroin draft and monkeypox being caused by sexual contact. The story hurts me and yet why do I feel funny? It’s so funny that I said in my journal entries in 2018 that I am the only one crazy enough to seek out every story he’s ever written, but no, it was partially untrue: I’d never read this one, and I bought the 1999 Likhaan just yesterday too for no reason but to try to humanize him in my head because the title holds a non-sexual story. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I am very conflicted. I can tolerate the sexual aspects a little bit better because I also realize I had been propagating the same type of erotica or had been planning to when I was younger. And I have to remember he wrote this when he was 39. He’s probably noticing the irony in his own life how he fell in love with Ma’am Audrey who has no boobs, at least, not as big as the many women he wrote about. Well, he got the part about pretty and fair and possibly Chinese-looking (Mr. Teng’s daughter in the story or something) right. In heaven this pain will make sense to me because I feel like I want to throw myself off the cliff right now. At least in heaven God will have rewarded me with crowns and I’ll trade the ashes for beauty because I actually helped them get together and perhaps stay together because I will have solved the porn problem (or at least made him really wary about his own habits). Lord the pain is too great. I don’t actually know what to do with the thesis right now but let it breathe for a while, at least until I let myself get over him.