Unsaon taman, oh well papel. Thought-terminating clichés. I really want to go to UPitt to study DNID. That’s 23,000 USD a year. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. _cries_ — It hurts so much. Cliché, but there we go. My relationship with pain and suffering is really simple. I really need to buy that Seeing Green book. I so want to be happy for her and how she’s now being flirty and putting on makeup and possibly leading him on. Maybe it doesn’t matter to me so much what she feels about him. It’s that he really has improved in a lot of ways since I met him in 2018 and wrote that piece in 2019. And I will be always and forever known to him as the judgy bitch who was right, but he would never think of me fondly. Like he does with her. Her beauty, her mind, her soul, his dreams, his hope, his love. All the things that matter is within her. I can’t hate her for it for it would be sinful. I can just be sad in a state of longing and expectation—will they, won’t they. My heart is continually crushed by reality. But I welcome it if it means that I get to see him happy. I don’t know why I feel this way. I wish I didn’t love him. — on the bright side I no longer want to avoid pain, if only because it gives me something to feel and use for creative fuel and imagination. it’s “borrowed glory” that i long for, and how i wish so badly i could be glorified on earth just like her, but in all likelihood i will have to die first to meet God and finally be glorified. — my heart just aches and i can’t even concentrate on this discussion question. i thought i was strong enough. guess i wasn’t. i really felt, as i saw her pictures, like my heart was doing that thing where it beats faster and faster out of sheer panic. i have only experienced that very few times in my life, or maybe i lost count. what was it today? she looks unearthly. her face is perfect. especially now that she puts on makeup. or at least i think she does. and his heart reactions everywhere. and their banter and flirting. like they’re not dangerously getting entwined again. i wish i was gone. — pain pain pain pain pain. God give me strength. Please I need strength. I can’t do this anymore. I wonder what I’d be like two years from now, when they’re probably married. I’d sink into my shell of a heart. But at least I’ll be free from dreaming. To be in this state, this non-knowledge, this middle, their ‘getting-there’ stage, feels hellish. i can just watch it like a trainwreck about to happen in slow-mo. at least when it has already happened, there would be finality. but now i think i’m just in agonizing limbo. only time will tell. — How do I become content with what I have? Such a crucial question. Pain comes from wanting something impossible. — my life is so pathetic. i’m the most ksp person i know. the one moment i tried to get attention desperately i paid dearly for it. i really wish i hadn’t. how can i ever get rid of this wanting for validation? maybe i need to do a detox or something. completely cut myself off from the internet. — how can i live with this pain? — so far none of the advice online helps — for your own sake do not think of him in an idealized way. remember everything that u are ignoring. come on, not everyone is that perfect. no one is. why do i crave him so badly? i really do have a problem. — posted my problem on reddit and hundreds of people can’t answer me. great. — Hebrews 11 **13** These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.  **14** For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.  **15** If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return.  **16** But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city. **39** And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised,  **40** since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect. The Bible tells us that we are aliens and strangers in this world. A single person knows what it feels like to live as an odd man out in a couple’s world. Why not glorify God by acknowledging that alienation while asking him to make you less at home in the world? Why not live a chaste life with the knowledge that you are embodying God’s will for his church as we fast and wait for our Bridegroom? Why not continue to pray for a spouse, even as you join in the words of the Spirit and the Bride who cry, “Come, Lord Jesus, come!” [https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/should-i-be-content-with-my-singleness/](https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/should-i-be-content-with-my-singleness/) — so i just literally told my parents yesterday that their behavior is toxic and they gaslighted me, and how if they think i’m acting crazy and unstable, it’s because of the trauma i experienced in 2019 and beyond. But no, they just completely ignored what i said. as if they didn’t hear anything. wapakels. i want to die. i want to leave. i want to stop existing. — my family and surroundings and life are deeply broken. there is no way out of this. everyone pretends they’re okay and good. mom keeps posting on facebook some sappy quote and a picture to tell the world about her public persona. none of them care except providing the most basic needs which they are obligated to do, and about controlling their unstable daughter. my mom literally got mad at me for not eating a fucking banana. i told her at first, with the most soft-spoken tone i could muster, that it’s just a banana. then she proceeds to rant about how i do not obey her and i have never obeyed her and how it is right that i should obey her always because the bible says so. and then she lays out all my failures starting from when i graduated and how i didn’t obey. i hate her and i will never love her and i am sorry god but i really can’t love her. i have to leave this place. then my dad came in the room and she tells him, the fucking gall, that i got mad at her because she told me to eat a banana, and she is a narcissistic toxic bitch who only cares about herself. she literally lied to get out of looking bad in front of my dad. and then i started crying for real in frustration and my dad really looked at me and said, “hoy boang!!” in the most vile and pinasingka way i have ever encountered. like i was an unwanted animal and not a daughter. how could i ever had the most vile parents to have ever lived and why God did you let me be born? my dad follows me to my room and then in a panic tries to get me to drink meds. then he starts to handle me physically and i said ayaw ko sakti. and then he excuses himself because that is supposedly what a parent is supposed to do. he tries to put the pill in my hand and i close my fist as tight as i could, and he starts prying my hand open as if it wasn’t hurting me. he only stops when i start collapsing in tears on my bed. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. i hate you. i hate both of them. i want them to die because i really don’t need them. i wish i could just die myself. — u/okaydamn “i think the healthiest route you could take in this situation may be to remove them from your life, at least for a little while, and focus on self-betterment. if you have the option to, then get into therapy to address your self-esteem issues. it sounds like you're putting her on a pedestal and experiencing limerence with him, but please remember that infatuation and love are not the same thing and our bodies can produce chemical reactions that don't necessarily mean it would be a safe and fulfilling thing in reality. therapy is not always accessible (me included tbh), but you can still find helpful resources online to contextualise these feelings and overcome them. i have ocd and turned to support groups and therapists on youtube, which both made a huge difference in understanding _the why_ for my feelings. you might also want to turn your attention inward and focus on building yourself up. comparison is the absolute thief of joy, but learning to appreciate and respects traits and talents in others in a healthy way can inspire you to cultivate that within yourself, and then share that joy with others. and i know we're strangers but i'm here if you need someone to talk to. wishing you the best, this will pass trust me.” i really hope it will pass. i really don’t want to go to hell after going through hell all my life. i just need to sleep it off for a few days i think. — i remember after having my tooth pulled and i had to buy condensed milk right after in the SM grocery. then i was lining up at the end of a very long queue and my tooth was starting to get inflamed after the painkiller wore off, but this kind guy and his daughter told me to go to the nearby checkout counter outside the grocery area. they couldn’t have known my pain but somehow God did. like even if they just noticed how i got two condensed milk cans they still talked me into transferring even though i wouldn’t really be taking up time in the counter. i felt my tooth really explode with so much pain i almost couldn’t bear it on the car ride home when i waited to be picked up. the relief after was great after taking the painkillers at home. i just wish i didn’t have to suffer while i wait for some dream of love on earth. — sublimate. — “You can’t meet people’s needs and show them you care for their whole person without being fully engaged. This is what our Lord requires of us—this kind of praying, burden-bearing, believing, rejoicing, hoping, enduring love ([Jas. 5:16](https://www.esv.org/Jas.%205%3A16/); [Gal. 6:2](https://www.esv.org/Gal.%206%3A2/); [1 Cor. 13:4–7](https://www.esv.org/1%20Cor.%2013%3A4%E2%80%937/)). It means your heart, your mind, your creativity, your time, and your comforts will be tapped.” — TGC [https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/professional-christian-woman/](https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/professional-christian-woman/) **Being Ambitious** If you’re like me, you might wonder if it’s OK to pursue big work goals and to desire to be successful. But given that ambition is [defined as](https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/ambition) “a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work,” Scripture seems to encourage it. See Paul’s exhortations in [Romans 12:11](https://www.esv.org/Romans%2012%3A11/) and [Colossians 3:23–24](https://www.esv.org/Colossians%203%3A23%E2%80%9324/)—and consider the praise given to the woman in [Proverbs 31](https://www.esv.org/Proverbs%2031/): “Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate” (v. 31, NIV). > Given that ambition is defined as ‘a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work,’ Scripture seems to encourage it. So, we can conclude that God doesn’t want us to dampen or deny our ambition. We just need to ensure we direct it appropriately. He sometimes gives us great opportunities—as well as the skills, experiences, and resources to fulfill them. The appropriate response from us is to faithfully steward all of that and to align our goals with God’s definition of success. Figuring this out takes hard work. It usually involves wrestling and surrender—wrestling, meaning bringing our desires before God and asking him to change our heart as necessary; and surrender, meaning walking with him through seasons of waiting and accepting his timeline over ours. We can be confident that God has wired us to be Christ-followers _and_ professionals—and by seeking him and his ways first, we can do both well. — 2 Truths for grieving TGC article: I stood with my friend and a small huddle of his family around the grave, looking down at a casket in the ground. My friend’s widowed mother wept. “There’s no right way to grieve,” Pastor Rick told her. We all listened in. “You will feel like you’re descending one step at a time, deeper and deeper into sadness. You’ll keep going down another step, then another step, still more,” he said. “At the bottom, Jesus is already there to meet you.”