I am a covert narcissist and I wish I wasn’t. I really want to live a life well-lived for God. Also, it’s so tiring being sad. I cried for almost an hour and now I’m just really sleepy. I cried because I just realized again and again how much beauty can earn you real love. It’s not even the shallow love that I deride. It’s the sacrificial love. The devoted love. The pure love. I wish I was dead. He got baptized at her church, leaving his family’s religion. He is basically saying, I do not care what my mother thinks anymore, I love you more and I am willing to become a different person and change for you. I love you that much. All that, risking her reciprocation. I’m not even sure what they are now. I bet in like a year they’ll be married. I won’t have to do anything drastic to stop it. Like kill myself or something. They’ll just move on and get married later. Or he’ll get married to a different girl from that church, whichever will kill me first. I just wish I didn’t exist. ## Why. Has it become so much so that I cannot adapt as easily as my mom and sister can? How can this be? How could I have inherited none of my mom’s positives? And inherited all her bad qualities? WHY THE FUCK? I couldn’t even adapt to Manila when I tried. My sister, meanwhile, got adopted into a culture right away when she shifted from Home Economics. How can that be? How has she progressed so steadily? How the fuck????????? How could she be so good at people? At language and speaking? At communicating and relating? How could I be so bad at it? How could I be so fucking ugly with my huge ass legs and ugly plain face and she gets to be so fucking sexy and beautiful. Lord, I really want to curse my life. I wish I wasn’t born. I don’t want to be toxic. This is so fucking unjust. I can’t. I just want to die. But I know I can’t. I have to adapt. I have to study how to be a human. It’s not over until I’m actually dead. I’m sorry God. I just sometimes wish that I’d been given more privilege than what I have. It’s just so unfair to me how I could have just as easily inherited good genes and social skills potential from my parents. Why do you want me to be so trapped in this hell? This must be what Pia Wurtzbach’s non-halfie sister feels like, if she has become so self-aware.