Sent to Prof. [[Audrey]]: Ma’am I know you will not respond but I would just like to be really honest based on my fallible memory. I think the reason why I wrote [[All_Writers_GOTO_Hell.app]] (all liars go to hell) was not only so that I could pass a “craziest and most amazing” (email response by sir [[Paolo]]) paper to prof. [[Manalo]] to have a chance for you to see it because if he thought it was intriguing enough to share w other faculty (why would i make up something like a possible student teacher affair and i even included the phallic suggestive shaped graph poem and also fyi there was no texting between me and prof mike if my piece suggested that nor there were incest in my family and suicidal ideations - i remember you said you didnt think i was suicidal) and not honor the privacy policy in the email and lie about it then maybe i could unleash my personal demons on somebody who could read it like you and prof [[Mike]] not thinking of the consequences because i have never received criticism that was honest about my work before that except a string of rejections from magazines i was trying to get published in and i was desperate also for validation and the need to make up for my being a foot-in-my-mouth student in cw 101 with sir [[Paolo]] because i had speech problems and staying coherent because i’m autistic) anyway i think the major reason or onus of the piece was because i was so mad after discovering the picture that [[Raissa]] posted as her cover with you and prof mike hugging which i think caused a spiral because i was so jealous that he had an attractive and young looking girlfriend and was in an age gap relationship with him which i stupidly fantasized about and was envious of and i saw all your grad pics with magna cum laude with him smiling in your photo op and i thought you were also a former student of his living the dream of being able to get to know him and teaching at up after u graduated and know i shouldnt have stalked people and i let my envy and curiosity get the best of me and its either i matched your face with the account from obsessive stalking of [[Raissa]]’s and finding iep man’s account commenting on your pictures and which i thought you were cruel for for not liking or interacting with as much as other peopl’s which i felt the need to be a white knight for and in my ignorance of what caused your breakup i ended up taking inspiration (an exaggerated one) in the last lines of all-go. i am not sure what i was trying to do but and im sorry that it kinda suggested you two broke up because you didnt put out and have sex with him or if i suggested you were a prude for not compromising your beliefs or priorities by tolerating porn or his writings about prostitution (idk how i know that it was your acct on [[Carousell]] who sold the pgs issue with the haunted man story by sir [[Mike]] i just randomly stumbled upon it when i bought a rizal book for cl150) )i also felt so angry at sir mike because i really thought he liked or seemed to like me because of me and not because he had a girlfriend or ex (i was willing to bet you two broke up before i was in his class and first met him in june 2018 because u had unfriended [[Raissa]], hos mother and who i thoughht was his grown up son jr ) who was a [[Christian]] and it was then i realized that he probably only liked me (or seemed to show me some favoritism in the midyear eng21class)not necause i was attractive (i was really starving for male attn and felt so ugly at the time and no one ever expressed interest or asked me out the whole time i was in up and which is not an excuse i know but i want to explain why i got so angry and sublimated that anger in my writing “creatively” for sir [[Paolo]]) but because i was writing all these suggestive words in my exam answers like “pagan” or “heteronormative” and laughing at his obv corny joke about irony its in the blood and just mirroring his interests in my exams like answering something vaguely coherent and interesting about the wife of bath in [[Chaucer]] to a question that went along the lines ‘who is an interestng character’ in the exam. anyway i was so angry and sad because when i saw your picture hugging i realized he only prolly liked me because he thought i was religious or interested in religion like you because of pagan and because i looked up immediately from what i was doing such as writing or looking at my notebook when he said something about [[Islam]] and [[Gnosticism]]. i also didnt ,mean to imply you were stupid or didnt do meaningful work because i knew you were more intelligent because i saw you attended a conference in hk and i am sorry if it made you feel bad about your professional achievement : [[Flannery o'Connor]] pic you posted about work from her journal. i am not sure what you said before but i also related heavily as a valedictorian when you posted yhe article about what is your valeictorian up to now. anyway i also am sorry for being so biased and insulted your age 37 with [[Wolfgang Iser]] character when you were only 34 which i knew because i calculated that from your lantern parade post with your age 31 or smth on the paper. i didnt think it was going to be i insulting because i thought you knew you were one of those people who doesnt seem to age or looks younger than they are. i just wanted to be really honest because i really think i had some hand in the pandemic happening because on april 12 i had pointed out the sarsi can and said something about bird flu and sars and i think [[God]] has really punished me and blessed me or at least gave me some relief because i learn better with zoom recorded lectures and pandemic related coping mechanisms like not having to recite in class. i know you will probably think im delusional again or at least if you remember my babblings about bird flu and sars (SARS-Cov) it would give you pause about the nature of reality but not be too sure. maam i must confess i wrote a bird flu story before the january to march lockdown 2020 happened (i submitted it in dec w final revisions) for CW 111 and my “response” piece to the microaggressions or “criticism” i perceived to be making fun of me like [[Mon Sy]]’s “I (E_YE or yee in all-writers) is very very tired” on twitter or an [ask.fm](http://ask.fm/) account which i also stalked which caused me to write that putrid piece “Mixed Messages A Viral Campaign” and sending it to sir [[Paolo]] after and being so defensive about my motives. maam i dont know what to do except write about my traumas in my fiction and i dont want to cause another pandemic or be a [[Cassandra]] who no one will believe about the effects of porn i am planning in my delusions of grandeur which i am not sure is realistic but i would like to dream to fund a feature film out of my thesis about a marriage with the husband being a pastor who is addicted to porn and cheats on the protag repeatedly. it is all that i can think about and i even printed out the screenplay which i have written so far because i no longer trust the computers and google drive because somebody i think has deleted my posts wothout my knowledge and i can no longer tell if somebody is actively trying to harm me because they think im the reason for the whole pandemic