I’ve become such a hedonist lately. By that I mean I have very little patience for work. That’s why I bought 24 modafinils again, because they take away the tedium and increase my mental stamina. Those little pills are my lifesavers. I don’t know if I was like this in high school. I mean, what pleasure did I get? The fact that I was recognized in the honor roll? Maybe that’s why. I get little pleasure from work because I feel like nothing I do will ever get me glory. Why do I crave self-important titles so much? Is that really why I like to do knowledge work? And not because I actually want to learn? Because say, if I was born with beauty instead of an aptitude for intellectual things, maybe I’d go and be competitive in pageants or something. — I feel queasy just thinking about getting started. Maybe it’s the modafinil. Maybe it’s grandiose thoughts about future me becoming a screenwriter. I just want to be over this aspect of my life, but I know the magic happens in the trudge. — Maybe I’m in the depression stage of bipolar disorder. My mania happened in December 2021 and peaked in late February. I don’t think I’m rapidly cycling. Or maybe I am but it’s attenuated by medication. On the one hand, I really want to stop taking medication to see what happens because I think my low energy has all to do with these anti-psychotic medications, but then what if I get all manic again, to the point where I can’t control it?