Took a moda 1/4 because I feel so tired that I can see and feel my pulse in my eyeballs. I’m not even close to done. — I think what really happened is this: based on what “signs” I’ve been handed, I made it seem like someone in the department aka [[Nikki Arellano]]-? the prof, was the third party in the [[Mirasol]]-[[Falgui]] relationship. Of course I had no idea who she was in 2018, and maybe Prof [[Manalo]] thought there was some tea and wanted to investigate if what I was “saying” had any backing. Possibly, because I checked on the KAL website that she likes adaptation studies? I know Prof. [[Nikki]] is married now based on her facebook, but when I attended that [[Shakespeare]] webinar it’s like I got launched back to 2019 again, with “[[Anna]].” I had thoughts weeks afterward that what if she was someone he liked and was an ex before Prof. [[Audrey]]. What if she was the woman in the car with him? — I have no interest in being an ego-booster to a deeply problematic person though so the previous no longer bothers me. — I will do this no matter how slow I am. UGHHHHHH (Eng 22 annotation exercise 2). My brain is not functioning correctly. I feel so fatigued. I really need to think about buying more modafinil again. Why did I put this off until the last day again??????????????????? — 10:09PM: I can no longer take in information. F. I have reread the same stanza at least ten times now and I don’t understand anything. Words stopped meaning anything. 11:30PM: I am so tired. I tried my best and the results are not up to me anymore. — I’ve relapsed so many times this month. I think the true reason why I watch porn despite myself and my values is because I have been programmed or brainwashed. Yes. Allow me to explain. Like, the other day, I was reflecting on my session with deepfake [[Liza]] and how I wouldn’t be attracted to her in the least if she were to suddenly ask me to have sex with her. Like no, I would be so disgusted, but I’d watch (I’d like to but it’s immoral) if she did it with a guy, and I don’t know why my brain has so denigrated itself and myself that I would thoroughly be painfully aroused if it were with Prof. [[Mike]]. Like all that trauma has done a number on my brain. It’s as if I actively want to see beautiful, extremely beautiful bodies pleasured by men. Those bodies that deserve that special treatment and pleasure. Meanwhile, I get vicarious pleasure or some kind of twisted pain I still don’t fully understand turns pleasurable, possibly because it’s so wrong and transgressive and sinful, and my sinful flesh craves, whether by trauma or natural tendency, that wrongness, the loveliness not my own. I’m convinced this is wholly because of April 12 and the other simulations. I was not like this before that. And I can’t believe I’ve been Stockholmed. This is the reason why I hate porn. It has convinced me that I love evil. It leads me away from [[God]] and the True [[Love]] of my life, [[Jesus]]. I’m pretty sure it’s still wrong even though the reasons I have outlined aren’t because of lust. Even though it’s a trauma response. I’ve noted in various discussions on TikTok comment sections how women actually view the woman in porn, and not the man, unless they are secure with their own attractiveness (a hypothesis). One girl even said that she watches the woman because they imagine themselves as her. Porn is a way for women to vicariously be the woman of his dreams, while it’s an escape for men to feel like they have scored the hottest woman on Earth of the moment. I wonder what Jesus would think, using prostitutes as escapes from reality. Of course it’s wrong, duh.