I think I’m no longer emotionally volatile. Something died in me, but I think it’s for the better. The only thing that frustrates me now is that I think I think too much before making my opinions. I noticed my past papers just had this flow-like quality to them. My stories. They all flowed from somewhere, a muse or something, caused by my emotional volatility some few years ago, when I could still live in poignant songs and feel them deeply. I’ve become number now, which is really helpful because I get to focus on academics without breaking down. It’s not a bad thing, but this “strength” and stoicism because of gratitude and God’s grace, makes me oddly jealous of my past self even though I wouldn’t trade my relative peace now for her creative madness. If I were to talk about this in dissociative identity disorder terms, it’s like the manager has taken over the other personalities now, and they’re not currently fronting. I don’t feel negative emotions as strongly now, and it makes me kinda sad that when I encounter beautiful prose, I don’t have that desire anymore that leads to me practicing or writing my own versions of beautiful prose. I stopped appreciating beautiful things as well as feeling painful emotions deeply. ANOTHER PRODUCTIVE DAY WITHOUT MODA!!! I even exercised. Although it was only 7m. I woke up really early, like 4. And I haven’t had caffeine since 12PM. I wonder where this focus is coming from. But I really am not surprised because [[God]] is looking out for me. I was even able to have a little entertainment—[[Sherlock]] S4E2