Maybe I was a bit too obvious when I messaged Prof. Audrey, that I actually didn’t have any close relationship with him that I was able to get in his car or that he repeated or answered me back with my own words when I was in Eng 21 during recitation. Maybe the reason why I said that is because I sensed her idea of who he was as a person was already tarnished by my existence and what I did, and I had to do damage control. I was really the one at fault. For leading myself on. Perhaps I should really let go. Completely. Cut my losses already and stop pining or wallowing in my unrequited love. This isn’t the right thing to hope for, no matter how tempting or appealing or romantic the idea is. That he’s somehow just waiting for me to grow up a bit. That’s not right at all. I was really just subjected to disciplinary action in an unusual and creative way when I sent ALL_GO, because they couldn’t just suspend me for no provable reasons and because they might have thought I was suicidal or some kind of genius and wanted to torture me, lead me on, make me think I had some fun doing it, and not see how it was all to keep me off balance and distracted, eventually leading me to become AWOL. I just kept embarrassing myself all this time handing my brain and heart out on a silver platter to anyone who would listen and read. It’s not becoming at all. I’m so naive. — On the bright side, I managed to do some voice acting and it was easier now. Like I could do a better American accent than before. At least I have this stream of income for now. — Afternoon: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!HH!!!H!!H!HH!H!HH!H!H Restlessness is gonna kill me first. I JUST WANT TO BE “ON.” I CAN’T TAKE THIS—BEING IN THE MIDDLE TRUDGING. — I really can’t quit coffee now. One, I don’t want to be dependent on moda. Two, coffee is a really good appetite suppressant. — It is the 40th day of 2022 and I haven’t really done anything I can be proud of. Unless you count the unfinished One-Act-Play which was a humongous pain to write. And also the story book for CW 150. But those things are from classes I had to take. I haven’t done anything that I set out to do with my own direction and initiative. I have these habits that are slowly forming to be proud of but I’ve been stalling this week and I feel very shitty. Maybe this is the solidifying point where I either give up again or make it through a plateau. I know it’s still day 40/365, and so much can be accomplished in the months ahead, but I have so many doubts and fears about it. — OH NO I just remembered something. Maybe in the months after Eng 21, some student wrote in the CRS SET that a certain student seemed too close to him or something, which is untrue. Maybe it was [[Trist Lim]], or [[Iñigo]]. I had a feeling that Trist said something because I was in CL150 by the doorway and Trist and another girl were talking outside and I had a feeling they were talking about me. And when I saw that girl in Antas, she looked at me like there was recognition and I didn’t even know who she was, and I felt like she looked at me because she was trying to see what Prof. [[Mike]] saw in me that Trist was able to convince her that he liked me or had a relationship with me. That, or they both thought that I looked like him, and she was looking at my face because she was spooked. The reason why Trist could have said something is because in Eng 21 when Sir was going to show us our recitation grades, he made us stand up and go to his desk to show us our index cards, and almost all students stood on the front of the desk with their back turned away from the chairs. And I, because I didn’t want people to stare at my behind, decided to go to his side and look at my card, where he wrote a 1.3 and wrote manual math division, and he was smiling because maybe he liked that I was “feeling close” by standing nearer him, though at the time I just really didn’t want people to look at my butt. Maybe the students or Trist thought he liked me because of that, because he was smiling, and maybe Trist and that girl were talking about how OMY Sir likes a plain jane girl! And also the “dressed too modestly” as the sem progressed and sitting next to Iñigo. Maybe either of them could have said that in the SET or the Google form where you report concerns regarding a prof. Maybe that’s why he looked down immediately when he saw me staring when he was carrying the projector to his class. Somebody really informed him about me. And that’s why he ran in the library after we made eye contact and he’d possibly thought I was uncomfortable with him staring. Maybe he really did report his side. And I was already “monitored” by the time I was in CW101, like, who was this loner and what has she got that made Prof. Mike the Americano like her? That would explain why Joanna was there? Or maybe this is too farfetched. I even noticed that in 2018, I saw Prof. Audrey too. Sitting in the library. Maybe she noticed something, that a student was eagerly looking forward to a certain person because she kept looking at the Faculty reading room because I noticed he was always going there. Was I being too obvious? Maybe she already knew by then that I was the student who was reportedly in a “something” with him. There were times when I saw him because I sought him out in the library, and times when I wasn’t deliberately trying to see him. Maybe I just noticed him more because confirmation bias. — I have this unconscious bias that says my work has no value whatsoever if it’s not compensated financially. Otherwise, if I’m not getting paid for my sweat and toil, I’m just a person with potential. I really don’t want to be that “has a lot of potential” person. I want to be competent and equipped and well-compensated.