There was a rat that doesn’t fear humans that got too close to me last night. Woke up at 4AM suddenly and something skittered away from my bed, literally sprung off my bed lightning fast and I saw it running for its life. But it wasn’t like that when it was snuggling next to my arm under my pillow. WTF. — I don’t want to be petty, but prosperity gospel proof-text [[Bible]]-thumpers really annoy me. For example, many people use Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the [[LORD]], “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” They really don’t read the whole chapter, clearly, because Jeremiah the prophet wrote this letter to exiles in Babylon, those surviving elders, priests, prophets and others who Nebuchadnezzar carried from Jerusalem. Then verse 14 really says, “I will be found by you,” declares the [[LORD]], “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” He was talking to Israel in captivity. It’s really irresponsible to use this verse to make it seem like it’s going to give you a good life on this earth by the world’s standards, like financial, mental, emotional, relational security. While God really is a great God, and He can very well do those things because He allows them for some people even if they were not believers, using this verse to bolster or motivate your faith or “give it a boost” or even advertising your faith in this way doesn’t really reflect the whole character of God, and other infant believers might go into the faith because they see this verse and want salvation for the blessings and not for freedom from sin and a relationship with Jesus. Sort of like that woman in the well who wanted literal water that if you drink it you will never thirst. — I don’t know what to think of the Toni Gonzaga issue but my mind tells me she’s not exactly wrong. She’s not exactly right either, which makes her still wrong. But it’s only because it’s incomplete. “No matter how many mistakes you make, you are still loved.” or “how your Creator sees you.” 1 Peter 2:9 says what believers are: > But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; I think people take issue with this because it ignores the truth and emphasizes grace, that God is all love and forgiveness. But we often forget God is also full of wrath and is a jealous God, “thou shalt have no other gods before Me.” We also forget that sinning and making mistakes does grieve the Holy Spirit, and despite that, we are still loved only because Jesus’ righteousness was imputed onto us when he died, and not because of something special about Christians that God finds lovable. This is why I sometimes struggle with thinking of God as a loving God. To me, He seems like this uber-patient, forgiving father who loves the adopted kid only because He loves his wife (Jesus). Make no mistake, without the mother, this adopted child would be told to “depart from Me” the moment the mother is not there or is not invoked. The only Way to God is Jesus. — “Double-arrow” argument. Maybe it’s not. Start with the assumption that all women can be a whore, and all women, therefore, can be a kabit. Whores—> Kabit/Mistress = You are a whore if you are a kabit/mistress The “if you are a whore” is a sufficient, but not necessary, condition for you to be a kabit, because this does not exclude the possibility that some kabits don’t advertise/are not provocative and don’t tell a soul, nor the possibility that there are actual sex workers who are low-profile; and for this case we are talking of “whores” by their effects on men and society’s pull towards non-monogamy and self-gratification over commitment, and how they sell beauty, charm, etc. to directly or indirectly attract and tempt men who may or may not be single. Even if the men were single, these whores would be selling their provocative beauty, indirectly or not, in exchange for attention, romance, money, and/or the unwanted (ideally not wanted) effect of “stealing” him from the man’s future girlfriend or wife, because she is contributing to his dynamic psychology and how he thinks about women and what they should look and act like, which is bound to color his relationships and dynamic with them, possibly leading to eventual infidelity, flirting, porn use, etc. This statement is equivalent to “only if you are a kabit can you be a whore” (necessity or the necessary condition of being a kabit to be a whore), or, it is necessary that you are a kabit if you are a whore or look like a whore, not in the “usual” sense of only cut-and-dried mistresses or lovers being whores. Thus, it is necessary that you commit adultery if you are a whore or you approach adultery by acting like a whore through manner, appearance, looks. In other words, it is not possible to be a whore if you are not a kabit, because by my definition, you steal men from their (potential, if single) girlfriends or wives. Of course, I am working with loose definitions. Adultery is technically only applicable if you are married. Otherwise, it’s “just” cheating. Whores are “strictly” sex workers. Otherwise, you’re just a hubadera who craves attention. But all these acts are sins, big or small, and God does not differentiate. All are equally abhorrent, this is why our sinful nature and the world we live in is a fabric of sin, all the same shade of wicked to God. This is why Jesus says looking at somebody with lustful intent is already adultery. I don’t think he was making a hyperbolic statement. We are all adulterers already. In my opinion, the reason why God seemed to turn a blind eye to men who had concubines or were polygamous is not because God thinks it’s okay or that the concubine’s bed is “pure and undefiled”, but because the society at the time has normalized it, much more so for very wealthy men like kings. The reason why God is so “silent” about the destruction of his plan for monogamy is because there literally never were women perspectives about it (that I currently know of) Except possibly Leah, who had to “buy” her husband with mandrakes to have sex with him: > Genesis 30:14 Some time later, during the wheat harvest season, Reuben went out and found some mandrakes in the field and brought them back for his mother Leah. Then Rachel told Leah, “Please give me your son’s mandrakes.” > 15 In response, Leah asked her, “Wasn’t it enough that you’ve taken away my husband? Now you also want to take my son’s mandrakes!” > But Rachel replied, “Okay, let’s let Jacob sleep with you tonight in exchange for your son’s mandrakes.” > 16 When Jacob came in from the field that evening, Leah went to meet him and told him, “You’re having sex with me tonight. I traded my son’s mandrakes for you!” So he slept with her that night. This is just one of the omissions in the Bible that I think I am put on this earth to propound. — Working theory: Jesus was nominally asexual. Since Jesus was the only human on Earth who could stay absolutely faithful to God (i.e. not commit adultery/unfaithfulness of any way), there would have been no reason for him to be “tempted as we are, yet without sin.” “Tempted,” in my definition, based on the Greek: πεπειρασμένον (pepeirasmenon): from peira: to attempt a thing, to make trial of a thing or a person. Various forces attempted to “test” him, but because he was also God, this means that, whatever Y gene God had to translate in his human body, was not ordinary, and this means that, while he might have the normal physical characteristics of a man, he might have had a completely different brain structure that could not be influenced by the environment. I think based on Augustine’s theories, lust is sin. And also, what Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount about lustful intent already being adultery, and therefore a sin, which he can’t possibly commit. It is either Jesus was asexual, or he was born with, aside from his divine powers, the original non-fallen kind of body as Adam, which was most likely not able to lust. Adam and Eve probably did engage in sex but there was no attraction involved. It was a conscious act of will, which some people might say is boring. I wouldn’t know what this experience is like because I have not had sex and I’m not asexual. But didn’t the Bible also say that Jesus wasn’t remarkable in any way physically? Then it must be that Adam and Eve were not necessarily physically attractive in the sense we know today. Possibly we will recognize each other in heaven by another sense, sort of how like some animals recognize sonar or parts of the electromagnetic spectrum we can’t see. Maybe physical appearance, in Jesus’ case, which seems to be omitted from the Bible, is just not relevant or connected to anything meaningful in that double plane of existence which Jesus walked. — Why am I getting the impression that leonardodicapr95’s message is just correcting my “pseudioscience” spelling mistake. I’m also getting the impression that the no period at the end of the sentence is deliberate. Collusion. Or, “their” “prescribed” interpretation: that I should correct it because they want me to become a prof, if not in UPD, then maybe some other college, which is frankly and honestly, really pathetic. Maybe I’m just projecting. “BuT ThOsE wOmEn WeRe SuPpOsEd tO MoTiVaTe YoU.” To become a teacher? No thanks. This is a writing prompt isn’t it? I’m supposed to wrestle with the ethics of becoming a prof. in DECL just so I can have the chance to be asked out by the Man. I am not going through that pain, which makes this decision easier, even if it were so tempting, even if he was actually interested, and even if people pretend I’m brilliant and become my shills. If he does end up asking after I graduate it either means he is not reading my writing in here, that I am completely crazy and everything that happened so far has been coincidence, or he thinks I’m bluffing. To be quite honest, I’m just really quite angry, and I don’t know if I will still be as angry a year from now. I’ve decided to nominally forgive him and the rest of you people, but I will probably slap him if he tries to pull that again and linger somewhere near the vicinity of my parents or people who are supposed to have no reason to have any intention of putting me in harm’s way. I actually think that people in the future are still going to advise him to do it out of obligation to all the pain they think must be paid for by what I “want” in exchange for all the humiliation and the “simulations.” That’s really not what I want or need. And I don’t think there is any right way to even slice this situation such that I will be “happy” or that anyone will feel released from this. I wonder what Prof. Audrey had to tell him about all those messages I sent on Dec. 17. I have a suspicion that it’s either she’s decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and image Jesus by giving him grace, gently translating what I said to him leaving all the harsh words out, or, she’s decided that I am actually a burning bush because of what I said about SARS and bird flu on April 12, and that she is following a directive, which could be hers or not, to act like “the fake gf because of what I said.” Yes I saw her Twitter. I’ve stalked her Twitter a couple of times before back when her name was still Audrey Mirasol and when it was switched from private to public and then private again. Or she is actually in a relationship with him and they just haven’t made it public. I have no intention of stalking any of them ever again on Facebook or Twitter, and I think I made good on this promise since last week. The last thing I saw was Prof. Mike’s December Facebook post and Prof. Audrey’s Canva painting of her and Ivan walking toward a tree. Also, why am I getting the impression that people think it’s ironic, the whole situation. That I referred to Lyesha as a reformed hubadera? I am clearly not her, and I am clearly not thirsted after by men, and I was clearly not coming from a place of superiority because I really thought Prof. Audrey was better than me in every way, intelligence and attractiveness and personality. I was just a pathetic girl blathering on about how much I wanted him on April 12, to none other than his girlfriend, “could-have-been,” or “TOTGA,” and I even got the impression that she felt so sorry for me because I was literally the equivalent of a beggar dreaming of building a nice mansion, and she felt so bad that she decided to buy pizza... The whole thing is so absurd to me. I don’t know why it had to happen that way. I could have just walked away from him and got on that plane. And maybe they’d find other ways to tempt me after Holy Week. What was the point of it all? Don’t even try to tell me it was a response to my “Unmeshed” poem now renamed April Rain/You’re my God. I really think this whole pandemic was caused by something I participated in. Writing that poem for Eng 143, to please an idol, using God’s name in vain, prompting His wrath. But would I have even said anything about the SARS and bird flu on RC Cola out of a random thought process that went like, “Oh it rhymes.” And then me writing about bird flu in CW 110? It just seems so eerie now. And how I was genuinely not trying to write anything about the election but it just so happens that I was preoccupied with the idea of whores versus wives after discovering phillyastro’s account and Lyesha’s insta. Which I now know, by the way, thanks to Prof. Sanchez, Astro is cigarettes, not astronomy. So he is a smoker. That’s why his teeth are stained. Maybe that’s why his voice is that way. I honestly don’t know what to do with this awareness. I wouldn’t call myself a prophet, or clairvoyant, or someone with ESP. Why would I want to invoke that power or ability again, except to “control” God. It is better for me not to try consciously to manipulate these things. Whatever will happen will happen anyway based on God’s will. — On the other hand, I am interested in the intersections my “ability” has with quantum mechanics. Maybe something is obscuring my view of things. Maybe I’m just a sniffer dog but for diseases and viruses. Why do I have this? I don’t know. Like how people can smell Parkinson’s on a person. Maybe I’d go to that Institute of Noetic Sciences or some other study. I actually want to take up a Master’s degree abroad. An MFA. Only I don’t think I can convince my parents to invest in this. I’d have to earn the money myself first by writing and making a really good book land in the hands of just the right agent in the US. My grandfather has no notion of investing in education; he even yelled at and fought with the Shakey’s waiter because it was too expensive. He’s too senile now. — I don’t know why I apologized to him for “involving Raissa and her son.” First of all, I didn’t intentionally. Maybe something they thought they read into the text. I was just extremely guilty for everything. I also remember apologizing for insulting Prof. Audrey’s sister, which I now know wasn’t really an insult, unless she takes me comparing myself to her as the twin that’s less successful as an insult, which, by the way, was based on my incomplete judgment of her relatively emptier Facebook account. Which bugs me about the leonardodicapr95? 95% sure. Or if you count on your fingers it’s i = 9 and if you continue back to your first hand it’s o = 5. And his message. Thank you so much for your love and endless support. I mean, is this his response to what I said about him being an influence? Everything in my message to him I knew felt insincere. Because what I actually meant to say was, I wasn’t able to see the things about him that other students raved about on the internet, how he was such a great teacher and said all these profound things that left a mark. In those two months in the midyear I really honestly didn’t see it, possibly because the class wasn’t very responsive at all. What does he mean about endless support? The fact that I got hold of every story or poem he’s ever written that’s available publicly? By love, does he mean my undying idolatry? I didn’t actually apologize to him about doxxing him or being part of the reasons or chain of actions why people started stalking his account and finding it for themselves. I was just so angry with him that I felt it was justified for him to be exposed. Maybe if I’d fixed my apology he’d probably feel better, but the fact that he “replied” with those Stranger Things memes probably means he thought I wasn’t being sincere. I can’t message him now, of course. Maybe I caused his sinning. Maybe he’d become so hopeless that he really did resort to finding women who weren’t aware of the porn, dancer, or prostitute pages. I feel really bad and I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’ve put him on a sex offender registry. Maybe he’s putting up all these wholesome DnD posts about his hobby because he doesn’t want people to see him as this guy who has a double life. If this is the case I really think he either hates me so much now, or that I actually have a “I feel bad” reason to let him ask me out, unless he’s found someone else, rekindled his relationship with Prof. Audrey, or unless he thinks I’m too young. To be honest, it really is a huge gap. (I’ve noticed this before but it’s just weird how 13 seems to pop up everywhere. Like I’m 13 years younger than Prof. Audrey, and she’s 13 years younger than Prof. Mike.) That makes me 26 years younger than him. All the difficulties with that dynamic. Like I’m way behind. He’ll have to teach me a lot of things about what I don’t know, and he’ll probably be turned off about how much I don’t know, and he’s going to compare me to Prof. Audrey who knows a lot, because they’re both profs. He’s probably read hundreds of books by now. I’ve barely read 50. Or at least I haven’t really read 100? He’ll probably not seriously consider my opinions. I’ll probably be less attracted to him as he ages. He’ll probably think I’m an alien who has no social battery or skills. And let’s not of course forget the logistics. Like what Prof. Audrey said, “Who’s going to take care of his parents?” on April 12, when she tried to argue with me when I was unfazed. Where will I live with him if we decide to get married? Some people seriously consider these things at 24, or during their early twenties. I know my mom got pregnant with me when she was 26, before she got married. Why am I even writing this? Except possibly to let out what’s bugged me about this whole thing. Maybe he just sees me at the very best, a friend. If that’s the case then I can’t possibly be reconciled to him, because maybe I can’t be like Prof. [[Audrey]], if she isn’t now in a relationship with him. I can’t imagine myself being friends with someone I am sexually attracted to, just can’t turn that part off in my brain. Maybe he really does hate me in a sense. All the events that started with me to his mind must have seemed poised or orchestrated to drive him apart from Prof. [[Audrey]], because they were freshly broken up I think in 2018. Seeing as he still likes or liked every single post she has on Facebook even when she unfriended him. His way of saying he’ll always be there for her even if she doesn’t acknowledge it. He’s always going to be faithful to her, or the idea of them together, and that’s not something that’s changeable. If he’s still in love with her of course I won’t have to make any decision at all. I won’t be the pickmeisha. This is what happens when you take moda. I took moda 1/2 tab. It does enhance something in my head. I just had a thought pass by me, like a cloud. I feel numb. If he ends up pursuing me, he’s probably settling. He’s gonna think of all the women he could have gotten if it weren’t for the fact of ALL_GO. All those other women who aren’t bipolar and are sexy and have big boobs and have good breeding and can spar with him intellectually. He would really miss out. It just sucks when women are usually the choosers in dating and I don’t have that. He’d feel like he was the one who selected me, and we all know women are happier in relationships where the man is less attractive than them. Just another day in the life of a [[Leah]]. — What if I myself design an ESP experiment? Just to see definitively if I possess some kind of sixth sense that’s underdeveloped. Maybe I turned out to be the ugly one in this family for a reason. — “THE SMELL OF NEBULIZER” story. I mean, why and how would that work? Controlling the smell to get me to say something about some breathing difficulty leading to death. I’m pretty sure some people in the Bible did bring curses upon enemies, but I think it’s not okay to pray for. At this point I have no idea what people’s methods are and they’re just being blind people leading the blind. Or is this just me? I mean, if he wins, it will really be a sad day, and a wake up call. We’re the number one social media capital in the world, and look at our education, our pandemic response, our rampant porn use (not just men, women in the Philippines, looking at you, PornHub survey stats), our gullibility, our whole culture of Gwyneth Chuas everywhere, sociopaths who only want to party while Rome burns. I try to work it out. Feb 1, 2022 entry. 02 01 2022 = one 1, four 2s, three 0s, . Or maybe the just the anger and wanting Blengblong to win for vengeance’s sake. Well, that was a mistake. Romans 12:9: [Forgiveness](https://biblehub.com/bsb/romans/12.htm) 18 If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone. 19 [Do not](https://biblehub.com/greek/3361.htm) [avenge](https://biblehub.com/greek/1556.htm) [yourselves,](https://biblehub.com/greek/1438.htm) [beloved,](https://biblehub.com/greek/27.htm) [but](https://biblehub.com/greek/235.htm) [leave](https://biblehub.com/greek/1325.htm) [room](https://biblehub.com/greek/5117.htm) [for God’s wrath.](https://biblehub.com/greek/3709.htm) [For](https://biblehub.com/greek/1063.htm) [it is written:](https://biblehub.com/greek/1125.htm) [“Vengeance is](https://biblehub.com/greek/1557.htm) [Mine; I](https://biblehub.com/greek/1473.htm) [will repay,](https://biblehub.com/greek/467.htm) [says](https://biblehub.com/greek/3004.htm) [the Lord.”](https://biblehub.com/greek/2962.htm) 20 On the contrary, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink. For in so doing, you will heap burning coals on his head.”… April 12. Eisegesis: “Let Blengblong win the election and maybe there really will be an EDSA Revolution again where he gets assassinated by an angry mob. Possibly a revolution that will throw us into anarchy and remake our country and can’t happen again.” Good thing I have seeds because no one’s gonna be going to grocery stores by that point. It will actually be like a zombie apocalypse. There. — “Accurate statistics regarding rape are notoriously difficult to obtain. The biggest complication is that most victims of sexual violence choose not to report it. There are many possible reasons for this decision: embarrassment, victim shaming, fear of reprisal from the rapist, even fear of how the victim's own family will react.” Even then, if suddenly all women in a country will unite and decide to be modest or go on a sex strike, men will find a way to get porn from the majorly white or Western media. Or they will start raping. On porn: “Saudi prince” has a crush on Ivana Alawi. Go figure. I mean Brunei. 80.9% identify as Muslim.