“It is not okay. It is invasion. It is torture, and you are torturers. You, who are reading this, seeing it, feeling it. These feelings are not yours. They belong to me. Get out of my head. My head, the head of this woman in this room, not yours, wherever you are.” “In twenty minutes or so they’re going to read my entire mind to protect the security of the state. They will hollow me out like a pumpkin and leave me with a pumpkin smile: a wide, idiot, toothless grin. They’ll go home and tell their friends they did a good job. They’ll greet their partners, their spouses, their kids, and if they let on in the small hours of the dark that they’re not without qualms, they’ll say in the same breath that they know it’s necessary. Their partners and their spouses will tell them they are brave, because they accept the sleepless nights of troubled conscience so that everyone else can be safe. No doubt that’s how it always goes with torturers.” “Justice has been perfected and the Witness is everywhere.’ That’s the pitch. And it works. We are all transparent to one another. There are no secrets, can be no secrets. Must be no secrets. So I will be read, as a page is read. If I have nothing to hide – if the System has made a mistake, which it almost never does – I have nothing to fear. That motto is written in Latin over the door, and above it is the odd little colophon of an axe wrapped in sticks that has been the symbol of magistrates since Imperial Rome at least. The modern phrase is attributed to William Hague, who was a great Conservative politician decades gone – a real champion of rights and right thinking – although I happen to know it was also a favoured maxim of [[Joseph Goebbels]]. ” —[[Nick Harkaway]]’s [[Gnomon]] — The human condition is always that of losing something. Losing freedom, time, patience, temper, youth, mental health, physical health, money, will to live. **[[Philippians]] 1:15-25** “It is true that some preach [[Christ]] out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former preach [[Christ]] out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, [[Christ]] is preached. And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of [[Jesus Christ]], what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always [[Christ]] will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is [[Christ]] and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with [[Christ]], which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” ## Intentions: 1. IF YOUR ATTENTION SPAN DOES NOT IMPROVE I.E. YOU CAN’T FOCUS BECAUSE OF INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS/RUMINATION THEN CONSIDER BUYING AXEPTA AND NOT ANYTHING ELSE WITH YOUR VO MONEY BY MARCH! YOU REALLY NEED IT FOR THIS SEM I CAN ALMOST ANTICIPATE YOU BREAKING DOWN AGAIN. ## Happenings: Woke up really late near 12PM. Ugh. Even though I did 6 hours of reading today I’d still give myself a silver star sticker instead of gold because of this. Decided to give myself a gold star because I really tried and I need to give grace to myself. — The pressure to be beautiful is a tangible, crazy-making thing. It is on par with physical pressure. Only depending on God’s strength rather than my own, to detach from this world and not conform to my own fleshly weakness, this ruined psychology plateaued in the wake of invisible yet powerful forces that I am helpless to. (Found myself comparing again and visiting various websites and forums “researching” for Korean clinics) — Your weaknesses: 1. Reading too much into things. Especially in papers. I think the reader response is interesting and maybe it’s a pride thing - to outdo the author and give more meaning than what was originally intended. To impose a kind of order or arrangement that makes sense. You really don’t have common sense. On the other hand, how would I even know what their intention was? Unless the author had a purposeful, well-thought-out reason and knowledge of the web of symbols and subtext and the specific references they are making (intentionally), how would I be so sure of anything? Most authors probably don’t give too much thought about every little thing, because it’s all a creative soup, associations in their unconscious way of writing and doing and being. What am I even pointing to when I do this arranging? To forward an argument or agenda? — Loneliness can explain immorality, but it doesn’t excuse it. You can’t seriously be condoning porn just because you were lonely and nobody wanted you. Same with fantasy. The high road of the [[Christian]] life demands that I die to self. I cannot rationalize going to [[Korea]] to achieve this goal of being desired once and for all. His behavior is certainly an explanation of my psychological makeup, but it should not be a reason why you should alter what [[God]] has ordained. It’s just not your gift. Accept that now or you will inevitably fall into despair. **[[Matthew]] 6:25-27**. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? — What I hope to gain 90 days from now—a lessened or attenuated sex “drive” which is mostly spurred by fantasy. I’m convinced this is 70% the reason why I’m overly tempted or horny. My actual sex drive is possibly lower. I remember a period in 2020 or 2019 where I did not masturbate for months because of extreme guilt. Now I’m quitting it for the right reasons. — It’s important to be at a healthy weight, but give yourself permission to just be you. Not having a completely flat stomach is fine. Not having nice legs is fine. Not looking feminine is fine. Having big-ass feet is fine. Who cares. Not having nice features is fine. Not looking like a sex object is fine. You are not required to be those things except by this toxic standard the world demands of you and which you have absorbed as law. You have to completely detach from this in order to concentrate your energies on what really matters. ## Grateful For: 1. The will to plod on. Was able to study writing and read various books for 6 hours. If I do this every day where would I be in six months? ## Action Items: - [x] Pray for strength