Realized the depth of my dysfunctions. How could people be so abled as to not only accomplish 15-18 units before the pandemic but also, excel at them that they become university scholars, all whilst having a thriving social life and org life? People who awarded me valedictorian in high school were out of their minds. I have done nothing in the past 8 years but waste away in my head, in my dreams, in my insanity. I need a miracle this semester. Even 9 units require a miracle. If I achieve anything of worth this semester and upcoming months, it will be because I submitted my rebellious will to procrastinate and slack off to God. — Feeling like a very smart *12*-year-old. I recently stalked /@falguimike and looked at his public following, Prof. Audrey has been following Desiring God’s Twitter longer than me. Let’s see, so men will always choose biology, or, sex drives depend heavily on their partner’s attractiveness, that’s what you’re saying. Knowing that, with the premise of him being only slightly attracted to me, he is inevitably more attracted to Prof. Audrey, which is logical, since she’s really the more attractive and feminine woman in this equation. If the intention is to turn me off, it kind of worked. Knowing this, seeing it play out in reality, right in my face, something really personal to me, yes, I think this is okay. I should accept it and move on. Goodbye. — “He’s not yours; it’s just your turn.” — On the other hand I can formalize all my theories, I just need to read a whole swath of dead old people’s literature and attempt to build on them, to escape from this pain. — I just find it so ironic that Snow from The Hunger Games was right about hope. — I now realize why God put me through rejection. To actually feel the sting of his rejection of me, the logical, ‘you can’t do anything about it’ nature of it. I can’t get surgery to earn his affection or attraction. Same way a person can’t earn God’s favor. To feel rejected by someone I looked at as an idol, a god, feels like hell. It is a state without God. Hell is the absence of God/Love. The terrible weight of this glory, the inequity of it, the inequality, the ultimate divine lottery. Some people are destined by God to never believe in Him or accept His lordship over their lives. I am just in awe how that could have been my fate if I hadn’t changed course in my agnosticism. God put me through so much pain so He can save me, a prodigal daughter. The grace of God bestowed on us is likened to beauty. It’s even another word for it. It’s not because of something in us per se, but Jesus’ grace imputed on us from even before we sinned in the Fall. Maybe I’m wrong theologically (need to read more). — Some notions: People want what they can’t have. Beauty is power/currency. For example, I can’t “buy” him because I simply don’t have enough currency/power. Best not to take it personally because it’s not only you who experiences this. Some people win in the genetic lottery. My feeling “powerless” at times makes me want to improve my station in life in this regard, through the artificial route. I have this notion that if I am beautiful or approach a certain threshold of attractiveness more in line with his type, he will reconsider my “persuasive ability” automatically, because that’s not something you weigh consciously in your head, like, “Wow, she’s an 8 or 9 now, she really blossomed.” Which brings me to: Most people instantly decide whether or not someone is attractive to them or their type the first time they see them, which means visual input is really important in romantic relationships. This is not something you should be resentful of. It was God’s design for some people to have. Wouldn’t you be disappointed if someone selected you only to find out you were actually just second choice? Which is why men must be the pursuers. In exchange, the responsibility and potential of handling the burden of rejection is placed on them instead of women, who are the choosers. Theoretically, if they were so ugly or unattractive (the women) that no one would pursue them if they didn’t make the first move, they should just accept it and lower their expectations of life or lower their standards if they don’t like their prospects. It really is unfair, but this inequality is a result of the Fall. It would be to protect women from being used/being hurt from rejection (which is harder because they are the weaker vessel; not saying men are not “emotional” in this way, because some might react in anger or resentment = become incels, mgtow, redpillers, etc.). God has given the onus on men to accept rejection if it does happen, because it might possibly be because of a whole host of factors instead of just beauty—which is an overwhelming factor when men decide to reject a woman—like economic stability (changeable to a degree, [side: makeup/artificial surgery deception an anti-reactionary reactive response to this inequality/consequence of sin]), emotional intelligence, personality traits like charm or humor, political views, and other considerations. In this regard, men are biologically more “shallow.” Generally, they don’t really take into account educational attainment, more minor personality factors, political views, ability to provide, ambition, etc. Which is why I suffered so much, because I acted like a man. I had nothing to cushion the blow, the fragmentation of factors that went into the question, “Am I a suitable partner/help meet/potential romantic partner?” Because the answer, inevitably, points towards something which I do not have or possess enough of, and which I cannot conceivably change or improve unless I do something drastic. With men, they can improve those aspects to a degree, considering class-based factors (or is it just my bias because I have some privilege of education and financial stability courtesy of my parents), and they can improve other things that all factor into the unspoken list, much more so than women can. My working idea is that men can have more “hope” in this regard because in my experience, I was born with some intellectual aptitude that could potentially lead to monetary returns. And also, men generally earn a lot more than women (research). And women, they can improve beauty to a degree, with makeup and clothes (which you need money for, which comes from a job) and flirtatiousness, or charm. Men can also improve their humor, or personality, and most women are reportedly won over by these types of men, those who can learn game, even if they are not so great in other areas, but I’ve never heard of a funny woman who is unattractive winning over a man’s affections, and if it does happen, it’s more rare. So generally, it is harder for women to improve their attractiveness or ability to attract a partner (all factors considered) than men. These men on Redpill or MGTOW saying that it’s easy for women to get men because they see dating sites swarmed by men and only a limited number of women, well, the reality is that men are simps for only specific women, that they don’t even see the unattractive ones anymore. Some might argue this is also true for women, who apparently go after the top 10% of men even if they were ugly. It is true, because wouldn’t you want the best you could get? It’s just a double standard I see because those men complain about how easy women have it, not taking into account their own actions like sleeping around with girls they are not really that attracted to because for them, the cost is lower than it is for women to consider giving her body because they have to worry about other factors like is this a person who will not ghost me, is this person going to invest in a relationship, is this person going to value me, whereas men’s concerns are generally, is this person hot enough, is this person going to cause me any inconvenience if i sleep with her. They sleep with a 6, but pine and lust after the 8. [Also, women do this, because of course women can lust. It is just that if somehow a woman who is married to a husband who is a 6, she has likely invested emotionally in him already, and it is harder for her to feel lustful towards another man, than say if the genders were switched. I’m not saying it’s impossible for a woman to be lustful of or to covet another man while she is in a committed relationship, I’m just saying it’s harder for them to feel this and even follow through on it, since statistics back me up, that men cheat more than women. I don’t have to wonder why.] But as I said, the Tinder blight, and the feminism that preceded it, has forced society’s orientation to change. It’s now socially acceptable for women to go after men. This shift—women taking on the role of men, has introduced some kind of chaos I can’t articulate right now. For my specific situation, being bipolar, being a nosy “detective,” being autistic, being schizoid, on top of all these problems, like being too contrarian, being prescriptive and legalist in some people’s eyes because I staunchly hate pornography and raunch culture, logically, I am not a good prospect, even though I am a Christian, am reasonably intelligent, might possibly have a good earning potential in the future, not too bad-looking, etc. All because I am not his “type.” Just something about me, which if I attempt to quantify, might have qualified as suifuel before, but for some reason doesn’t hurt as much now as I’m writing this. Maybe someone might point out how I don’t have a sense of humor, am too bullheaded as well about my views or confident in my way of thinking, but if I were those things indeed, and look like a celebrity like Julia Barretto or Liza Soberano, just imagine the potential reality. Not them literally, but possibly older 30-year-old versions of them. I would be considered feisty, sexily quaint, that hot antifeminist Christian. I would be considered a “homebody,” an “introvert,” “she has no friends because other women hate her.” Men don’t want their “looksmatch.” They want someone who looks better than them. If you pursue a man, there’s a good chance you are more invested than them, and that spells doom in your future relationship. Generally, if he wanted to, he would have already. — I am not knowingly trying to manipulate people into believing God. That is not within my power, because only God changes people. Just to get that out there, if people really are reading me. I try to study who God is and how He works in my life so I can better serve Him and become more like Jesus, which is impossible in this life to achieve completely. — A clarification on theory I posited on Twitter: that porn is being ignored as the cause of men automatically objectifying women’s bodies whether or not they are wearing something revealing, if they find them attractive enough (if they don’t, they are still objectifying them because you only think of them in terms of looks). In the past, women were objectified because they were treated as property, which was the major reason why men thought of women in that way, and in some sense, this thinking is still present in 2022, in very different expressions. Women now are not traded or married off, unless you are living in a culture that still has that, or are being trafficked. The women back then were not socialized to be go-getting feminists so of course, they went to their marriage beds as virgins, and men, if they did not go to prostitutes, also did the same. There was more pressure on women to be virgins because it made you a pariah if you weren’t one. If men used prostitutes back then, this effect of seeing women only as objects to be used for sexual pleasure would not be dissimilar to porn, but once you really look at the differences, it is striking. Once you are with a prostitute, you can’t likely fantasize about them or idealize them anymore unlike in porn, where everything is airbrushed, perfect, scene-by-scene. There is still the mess, the smells, the wearing out of bodies, the imperfections, the tiredness, and most crucial, the humanity, or the “humanness” of the woman is there. She still has to talk to you, still has to ask you money right after, you are completely aware that you are not indulging in something fantastic or lovely or some dream-like activity, unless the prostitute is paid a lot and you paid for the girlfriend experience, like with sugar babies (different story altogether). When you look at porn, however, you are completely able to switch the person off, their humanity, their humanness, their flaws, their messes that are not too acceptable when you are actually the one performing and smelling and feeling these bodily wastes. You can even select the “garb” or trope/situation or roleplay costume. Women are in that plane of suspended dopamine crest (if you can look at it like a graph, with troughs or lows) with nothing to knock down the waves, which is not only addiction-forming, but also dangerous in that little by little, men or women are trained by this repeated incentivized exposure to see women differently, as objects of pleasure, devoid of humanity. This is why I can see this consequence happening in my own life, where I can logically see that the women I masturbated to in the past are probably scummy people, who would probably not see a problem with selling their future children’s porn to foreign pedophiles on the internet, or they are willing to sell their bodies online for clout and just for kicks, which is a reflection of their character, which are not taken into consideration by my porn-fried brain, although it helps in some small way, to see those women as sinful and lost and capable of evil despite their sexual attractiveness. — I forgot to add in the krabby patty secret formula of why I am not a good prospect: I’m no longer innocent in this regard. I know too much. I’m too aware. I can’t be won over by some manipulation tactic proven to work on 99% of women. I know too much of the manosphere, apparently enough to be a man myself. I don’t have Prof. Audrey’s mystery and manners. Her being tight-lipped about sexuality, at least in public. I don’t have that “purity” even though I’m a virgin. Heck, I even own two sex toys. My hymen was broken a long time ago by a bike ride when I was young. I suppose men like the idea of “corrupting a virgin” and “leading her over to the dark side.” If they end up together, that’s sure to be fun. Also, I’m really unpleasant or off-putting in real life. Socially awkward and not in a cute way. Just really autistic, well-intentioned, but ultimately, really cringe. For some reason, social skills never became my special interest. Maybe it should be my special interest since I am going to be a writer. — I don’t even know if I should dignify this, I mean, it just had to happen today so I guess God has a purpose for it. So somebody gave my mom these pink Ferrero Rocher-looking chocolates colored pink, and I ate one, and it tasted so bad, I think because I was expecting Ferrero Rocher. The fact that I tasted Ferrero Rocher and was led to believe that this chocolate might taste taste similar is really strangely analogous... of something. Can be anything. I mean, I guess the discernment that God has put in my consciousness eventually, after all the rumination, is that maybe I’ve been too insensitive myself. I mean, I’m no stranger to bullies, so I should theoretically know when my words hurt people. Sometimes I get so angry that I really don’t think anymore about the effects of my words, and since people assume that I assume the Man is reading my notions or some form of it, because someone who hates him or doesn’t like him, in the vein of “how to send this to him without sending this to him,” has actually found a way to convince him to read my writing about him, and I’m sorry for leaving it up to people instead of making sure my words don’t cause people harm, like the mistake I did with ALL_GO. Like, I just remembered all the other things he’s said in the past, like, “this is the best that I could do” when he’d brought his android tab instead of the projector in Eng 21. And now, me, thinking how that poor man’s Ferrero Rocher was “the best he could do” (not that I’m accepting that it’s from him really), because I complained/whined about being envious of my family’s gifts. And how I really said that Vico Sotto was an actual HVM. I mean, if somebody told me I was low value I’d be pretty sad. This is one reason why I’m contemplating not writing in here my real feelings or feelings that come to me first without judgment. I really think I’m being watched now. Prof. Reynaldo’s email, which I haven’t opened yet, has the “hypothes.is” in it. I don’t know what that is yet but I plan to schedule Eng 22 tasks tomorrow.