Say what if I humor what Prof. Audrey said that everything virtue or vice can be surrendered to Christ and used for his glory? So I’m going to take advantage of people taking advantage of my weaknesses? So that I “recover” and use this tool towards improving my circumstances because my dopamine receptors are still inevitably tied to an ideal that I am desired by him or that he wants to be desired be me? This is going to kill me. Knowing that it’s impossible. Knowing that whatever he thinks of me, has forever been altered on April 12. Or possibly way before that, in December 2018-January 2019. I will always be distracted, for one. It’s going to lead me to all sorts of temptations. Idolatry, for one. I don’t think I’m that mature in my Christian walk. As if writing this constitutes proof of maturity. I am always somewhat of a wreck 90 percent of the time, because of what is constantly running in the back of my mind. Always hurtling towards the cliff of backsliding. Always just one bad day or two from giving up and giving in to sexual temptation. If people are reading my notions (heh), they probably think I’m being facile most of the time. Because it might not fit what they experience. To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure of anything I say, but if it affects some people because they’ve suffered within the lines I’ve described, then it means it’s their truth, or lived experience. — It’s probably wise to just stop looking at his sins. I mean, look at you, both full of lust _and_ full of greed _and_ full of pride. — Reading Phylicia Masonheimer sexuality articles as if I will even apply them someday. I don’t even count as a woman who can actually have this possibility. I’m A. bipolar and no one decent is going to like that or else some might think I’m “crazy” in that way B. I have no real life experience hence no one will think I’m ready for marriage and hence all this writing to me feels like progress that is mostly fueled by the need to prove myself to some imaginary audience that I am a woman already. C. I have no support network nor the drive to get one. If that isn’t abnormal then I don’t know what is. Maybe I read these articles because I’ve become a masochist. That’s the science explanation anyway. Do I like making myself sad? I don’t consciously think so, but my habits are really starting to make me think that I am. ## Grateful For: 1. See Bible Study entry Jan-28-22-Acts 10 2. Attention span sort of improved. Maybe I’m starting to see effects of meditation. Was able to read a ton of things today. Tabs, books, like two stories from Prof. Sanchez’s book. Weird that I never read “To the Memory of Nipples and Whiskeys” before. I feel like I’m an echo of what she’s written, everything that I’d done in December 2021-January 2022.