Sad day today even though it’s dad’s birthday. I don’t currently remember what my sister said during breakfast that almost made me cry. And my mom said something that worsened by sadness. And then I could feel my sister looking at me as I pretended to sleep, just her judging me I know it. And then she asked me why I was pretending to sleep. I tried to keep my composure by pretending that what she said didn’t rattle me. I was trying to hold in my tears. I was containing my anger asking God to help me weather yet another testing, for what reason I don’t know. Then after breakfast I crawled back into bed to cry myself to sleep. And then I was woken up to have lunch. But not before shopee came. And then I ask my dad to get it. But he says to get it using the makeshift basket with string through the window. And my sister starts the “you do it.” And I was going to already. But my dad said he’ll go down the stairs instead. And then I went inside my room to change into a white blouse but I had none. As I was looking for one in my CR my sister barges into my room saying, “Have you no attention span??!? Ginatawag ka ni daddy.” And then something inside me died. From then on all I could do was go numb and try to hold back tears but I guess my face betrayed my sadness. It turned out that my dad wasn’t even yelling for me but for “Shopee” “Shopee” to whoever was outside our gate. I don’t know but my mom noticed my fallen face while we were getting ready for pictures and she said, “Why are you like this? Would you be happy if dad died?” I never said anything of that sort. I don’t know who to trust anymore. I don’t know if I’m too sensitive. I just broke in that moment. Smiling for the camera was excruciating. And then all I could do was avoid being near both of them while I got food. And then my sister has the audacity to tell me in her faux “more mature than you” voice because she’s not bipolar or delayed: “You put a damper on things every time we have an event.” Of course she doesn’t know she’s the reason why I’m sad. Also my mom but still. Both of them, just failing me. I have no one in this family. When my mom said, “Would you be happy if dad died?” Dad just said, “Yes.” I guess I don’t know where that came from except once when I was really angry at him and said that I would be okay after he died because of the inheritance. Cast all my cares upon Jesus by crying again for who knows how long. Wasted time on Tiktok to get distracted from pain. Oh wait, I was acting really sleepy in the morning. And then both she and mom took offense because I should be awake and happy for dad’s surprise breakfast and lunch. And then my sister said something that kind of woke me up because it hurt. I don’t currently remember what it was. Maybe it was a cascade of phrases between her and my mom. I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I want to remember all the pain they caused me. Just so what? Remind myself I have no family on this earth except God? I just had a thought. Maybe if someone is actually reading this now and I’m not actually deluded, maybe they can figure out what is wrong with me just from reading this entry alone. I just remember that “drop of grief” in an ocean of happiness quote every time I’m sad now. Gratitude for God’s grace. Gratitude that He understands me. Gratitude that I’m not alone in this pain. — When all goes right in how a woman is raised, she will prefer the beta over the alpha. Because betas have resources that her children will benefit from. Alphas are only carriers of fit genes that may or may not be passed along to children. The trade-off is that the woman will not be as enthusiastic in mating with a beta, but will probably just let him do what he wants, which in turn, turns men off, because they want an enthusiastic partner who wants them, hence he turns to porn, where actresses can act like all they want is you and want to please you in every way possible and that everything you do to them is pleasurable even though it’s degrading. Money doesn’t equal tingles automatically. That’s why there’s mate guarding. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I used to be so deep into TRP reading all of the manosphere’s thoughts. There’s some truth to what they’re saying. And unfortunately it can lead to toxicity very quickly. Maybe the reason why I don’t see this dynamic play out a lot more often in my Philippine sphere of contacts is because not a lot of people are cut-and-dried alphas and betas. Or Stacys and Beckys. Of course there are a lot more categories of people. For women? I guess men will always want Stacy but will settle with what they can get. Or what’s available. A lot less picky. Unless they’re able to be picky. Porn is rife with all kinds of Stacys. That is one of the reasons why I consider it cheating. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Porn is a way to have an eye on the menu, no, it’s a way of stealing from the trash bins of a five-star restaurant you can’t afford. I am probably what they call “alpha-widowed” and beyond repair. What kind of alpha is he though? He thinks he’s a gamma. But I think for the context of the immediate society I am in, the UP atmosphere, where, let’s be honest, there’s not a lot of attractive men. Not a lot of rich men either. And he could very well pass as a rich man because he’s from Ateneo. And he’s mestizo. Maybe it’s like Linux distros. Alpha is Linux generally. But then there’s different flavors like Ubuntu, Kali, etc. My perception of him has placed him directly in the alpha basket. Because of the power differential also. I’m just a student from Mindanao. He’s a tenured heartthrob professor from Ateneo/UP. If he’s Redpilled, then he’s going to believe in AWALT (all women are like that), AF/BB (Alpha fucks/Beta bucks), the “hamster,” (women’s thought processes), tingles, shit-testing, dread game, “hitting the wall (woman’s declining sexual market value as she ages).” What’s he doing on Tinder? Guarding his true intentions by waiting for a “unicorn” to swipe right, whichever woman he has already had the benefit of selecting based on attractiveness probably, whilst giving away none but his interests in his profile. What and why? From a woman’s point of view, what could he offer in the relationship aside from good conversation? Of course he has the right to avoid gold-diggers. But not even an actual picture of himself? Does he want that element of surprise if they connect online with him knowing what she looks like and the woman imagining some geeky nerdy-looking guy? And then cue her being excited when she actually sees him on a bike date? And then his choice of physical exercise releasing hormones to induce good feelings to game the relationship to his benefit? Probably leading to sex before marriage? I don’t know if this is brilliant, manipulative, or both. On the one hand, women can and do manipulate men unconsciously or not already by just existing, through clothes, manner, pictures, etc. What’s the difference between him doing that and the woman looking hot in her pictures for him to swipe right? Am I just really bitter? Just because I’m a femcel? Just because I was tricked into thinking I was also desired? Hope kills. It’s better to squash it now before it can kill you again. I have a sneaking suspicion my mother found a way to photoshop or edit my face on Facebook for dad’s birthday post today. I can see it. I don’t look like that. I think this is an attempt to avoid any suicide attempts on my part, considering this entry, if they are reading this, which I don’t really know if they do, I mean, how would they even access this? Like email pdf attachments of my text posts or some condensed post like “you’re daughter is really sad because blah blah.” Well, I’m not suicidal, I’m just excited to die literally, not emotionally, because sadists think I like pain. New normal is being excited to die but not really committing to the act myself. #### New goal: become as rich as you humanly can because your purpose in life is to be a caretaker for Am-am. Move her to 1st world country to get top therapy specialists. ### Happenings: Come to think of it, I never questioned how Prof. Audrey knew I was a Baptist and valedictorian. Rational me says she looked at my DECL advising file with my profile in it and religion and high school honors. So they actually did do some digging on me. Which means I am not insane. Which means Prof. Paolo did spread it. And she did mention him coming from money, from Iglesia ni Cristo or something. ???? I don’t know what is real anymore. But I don’t understand how he could have published those Gacha/E is for Epal poems just a few days/weeks after. How? They work really fast. ### Grateful For: I am not grateful for this vaginal/vulval itching. Literal itching. Since yesterday. I do not need this problem on top of my other problems. I hope it’s not cancer. It’s slightly swollen and inflamed. I don’t think it’s a pinched nerve that caused the spontaneous orgasm yesterday. 2:53 AM. Heavenly visions ### Action items Arrange books on desktop