## Intentions: 1. Make some headway into Fil 115 backlogs 2. Read a lot. Train (stubbornly scatterbrained) attention. 3. Make sure I have the right motives for everything ## Happenings: Did the thing again where I stalked everybody online. Found that the [[phillyastro]] account follows a wine store chain in Pennsylvania which is in Philadelphia. I don’t know if it’s actually a diversion tactic or if he’s really a fan of Philadelphia or he considers it his true home or something. Maybe it really isn’t his account. Maybe he follows that account. Maybe he knows who that person is in real life and follows their Twitter because he considers that account a friend. I’m not so sure now. But then I’ve known from Ty Severen that he may be spoofing his identity so it wouldn’t be so obvious. Unless of course he actually is a troll, which should theoretically turn me off. Anyway, found a tweet from him replying to another man who tweeted something like, “it’s astonishing how a lady married me” and he’d said, “pray for the men who can’t get married.” I don’t know why but is this why he really wants to get married? All his fascinations with prostitutes. All his porn. He wants to get married so he can finally have sex. Maybe he’s a virgin. Maybe he’s contemplating going to prostitutes. Is that why he wants that person to pray for him? Or maybe he wants him to pray that he would also be married. I hate that I still care. In an effort to respect the humanity of my bitchy mom and Mr. Mike, who undoubtedly feels the same even if it weren’t his account, I found myself uttering in my head some kind of prayer. Like, if you want to be married so bad, “God, please make him marriageable.” Because clearly something is so wrong with him that Ma’am Audrey didn’t agree to marry him even though he’s a Christian tenured prof who’s really hot not in the “even though he’s 50” way. And my mom, bitchy narcissist that she is, to be more mature and willing to actually listen to what I have to say, instead of wanting me to be her accessory to show off again, as her once brilliant piano contest winner daughter. Goodness mio. I did the thing again. I have “THE PRICE OF PROCRASTINATION” tacked on my bulletin board. It’s 3:41 PM and I’ve just finished re-reading my entries in the last few weeks for the nth time. I don’t know why but I’m kind of proud how far I’ve come. Anyway, I’m just reeling because I am once again in a semi-manic episode. I can clearly tell when I’ve switched over to fantasy. I just stalked phillyastro again and there’s this tweet from a guy who’s been recently followed by phillyastro (since he’s the latest one or close to the top of the people on his follows). The tweet has the opener question with a pic of Sarah Silverman. Who suspiciously looks like me in a wig. I can kind of see it. Anyway, he replied something like, “The Way of the Gun. Punch her in the face to surprise her boyfriend.” I mean, what? WHAT?! I normally would be put off, but then this Tweet caught my eye. I Googled this movie and found Sarah Silverman, cue rabbit hole of wikis. Eventually the part of me that “wants to be married to him” (I’m putting it in quotes because it’s just so shameful to even type) was elated. All because she saw that A. I kinda look like Sarah Silverman, and B. she starred in a film in 2022 called Marry Me. I actually, I mean, the superego part of me, wants to die of embarrassment for the id. Like really? You would take that gambit? Why? Why do you want to plunge yourself into another 2019, “I think he likes me.” Why do you want to do this to yourself? At best, and I mean, clearly, at best, if this was all intentional and that he’s actually stalked my instagram, saw my profile photo with the artificially thick brows, he only wants to say that I don’t look like a man because he’s guilty of being part of the reason why I sin. He wants to help you. Not marry you. Anyway, this is clearly the rational answer. There is no literal interpretation here. You have to sear that in your mind’s pain-reality-wounded-narcissist-who-wants-validation organelle. Fantasy fantasy fantasy fantasy fantasy is not reality. You can look like a man in some angles. He doesn’t love you. In fact, you anger him. It’s nothing more than your brain rationalizing irrationally that they, whoever “they” is, are evaluating you for your potential marriageability to a guy who is effin’ 26-27 years older than you. Wala ka KUYAPI???? Even if it was possible, even if Prof. Audrey approved of it, you would inevitably suffer. You would probably be cheated on repeatedly. He would probably be a selfish lover. He would probably become lazy just like Nick in Gone Girl. He would probably lust in his heart for a student who reminds him of you but in a different way. He would never quit his job and be like his brother who works at an all-boys school. Really, Raissa, once again, has won. “They” are all working together and it’s far from over and I know it. He’s not the person who Googled Sarah Silverman and went through all that effort to find an appropriate Tweet, if that was the intention. A team of people did this. To “fix” you. I don’t think it’s possible. I will always think I’m mannish. I want a face other than my own. I will erase all traces of it in the future. I clearly haven’t learned from what happened on [[April 12, 2019]]. If that is how they will treat you. They will inevitably do the same thing when the opportunity to fool you again presents itself. Memorize, recite, plaster everywhere, imbibe the thought: you were tricked. You will be tricked again. Say he asks you out in some impossible scenario when you’re like 30. Wouldn’t you think it’s all a cruel ploy to get sex from you and break your heart because he’s just that tempting that he will manage to override your long-held values? I know sin is in me. I know sin is in him. He is going to seduce you in some way. And then he’s going to ghost you. Because to him, you’re a hate fuck at best. He doesn’t see you as a worthy woman, if he ever saw you as a woman. He hates you because you’ve indirectly or directly (depends on his view of what I did) soured him in Prof. Audrey’s eyes. Even though all you did was point out the obvious to her and directed her to the truth of his sexual immorality. That fantasy scenario _cue voice from Big Hero 6_ “will be a revenge story.” Actually, read this entry every time (Jan 24) you become weak. The devil prowls always for someone to devour. Goodness mio Part 2. I just had a vision. A weirdly horrific scene. Him turning “manic” while we’re both married and him punching the living daylights out of me. Punching me and kicking me like Victor in that ““Ghost Voters”” story. Him abusing me. Very real possibility. If you were so unfortunate to have that future of being married to him. Why would he do that? Maybe the devil possessed him. Maybe he really has a dissociative disorder that is why he needs two Twitter accounts. And the beast inside him is just lurking in the shadows waiting to come out and unleash hell upon any poor woman who gets to marry him. --- Once again humbled by my past self’s writing. And the ideas! The concepts! I don’t understand half of them right now because they’re all so mind-boggling. Have I regressed? I have to step up my game now. I just have a little bit of the motivation and discipline to actually develop and harness them now. Why was I hibernating for so long? First half of January is always ripe. In 2021, I was producing all these dazzling high-concept ideas. Come to think of it, why is it that I have no idea what happened to me in 2021? It’s like I don’t remember anything from July 2021, for example. Oh wait, I was deep into my VO work. Is this a side-effect of autobiographical memories being offloaded to a journal? Possibly. I have no autobiographical memory functionality anymore because it’s been pruned away. Oh no. Is this why revisionist propaganda takes root so easily? I need to read my past more. --- Why did this online entertainment website suddenly get my number and text me? Suspicious. [Mg901.](http://Mg901.com)com which redirects to [Mg601.com](http://Mg601.com). And then I get blocked or my IP gets blocked if I try to Google it in the same window (incognito)? Weird. --- God has graciously bestowed upon my puny brain the wisdom I need: analogy. See, I was just eating dinner an hour ago. I sat in the dinner table, thinking how eating the satisfactory liempo was a chore. Eating, right then, was a chore. But then, hadn’t I been craving to eat sweets earlier in the day? Was I not tempted to drink the sweetened diabetes concoction called Minute Maid? I said no to the sabaw because I usually do not like soup of any kind, except for mushroom soup. And maybe noodles sometimes. I don’t like sotanghon. I poured it back into the bowl from which it was ladled from. Which had to be disappointing to the cook (my mom). Is this what married sex will be like? All the other sweet sugary things like porn, new people, variety is the spice of life, etc. All of them be so much more appealing and actually get my brain going? And when I’m presented with actual food, like sotanghon and liempo, I will turn my nose up at worst, or eat up to maintain homeostasis at best but not really enjoy it? Wow. I’m never getting married. Better to have sex be an ideal than have my vision of it be sullied by actual reality. --- Finally able to break exercise fast, about 25 minutes of vigorous exercise. Also finished shaping up some poems and the story for my “second” submission for MPs 115. Took me about 2-3 hours. I think. I stopped tracking on Forest for a while because I actually let the trees grow even though I wasn’t doing any work just so I can get the 2022 Tree. So I’m in debt for about 9 hours left. Come to think of it, I was productive today even without moda. So my limit without moda is about 3 hours. I think. For today. I gave myself a gold star sticker. ## Grateful For: 1. At least I have something to aim for these days. 2. OH MY. Found a gem of an idea lurking in my Notes app just begging to be written. Wow. 3. Finding I had a period of false sanity in which I was trying to heal by writing all these personal letters. Cue surprised Pokémon Pikachu face meme. ## Action items - [ ] Fil 115 work - [x] MPs 115 rework old poems you actually wrote yourself