1:41AM: I guess I masturbate to the idea of myself being desired. And I know that it can't be my own face or body so I self-insert. Imagine that girl as me. Of course, dread kicks in which I can't avoid knowing they're a real person esp. if they're a certain coworker or acquaintance of a love interest. This is where compersion probably makes me feel conflicted. Sometimes it feels painful, in a spicy (though pleasurable) way that I can orgasm without feeling that bad. I am talking of past experiences where I have actively looked for girls the Man might find hot. Like Sarah Holmes, for example. I think I stumbled upon her through TikTok (kakatiktok mo yan lol) and found the clip of her in a movie called A Girl and a Guy (or vice versa?). I even created a gif loop just for that specific scene. She reminds me so much of an ideal mestiza prototype/specimen. I am sorry if I sound weird. "Specimen" in a joking way like (can't quite remember where I know how this is used jokingly, prime specimen or?) It's just specimen can also mean poop in some fields(? I got a stool exam once yes). I think now, of course, this is sinful. I know I can't (hypothetically) enjoy sex with a husband if I don't find myself and my own features desirable, but then in reality that kind of does whether we like it or not depend on how our partner makes us feel about our attractiveness. Whenever I try to imagine myself (? risky) doing it (as in, not the porn-manufactured kind of sex), it's like I don't focus on the person who is supposed to be "made love to" and I only hyperfocus on whether they find me visually appealing. I think it's just sad that if on the off chance I get to experience that I will probably "fail" because I want to perform. Of course Phillyastro's ungracious comments about body hair and physical fitness and "base" don't help. I just don't understand why they don't completely obliterate any chance of future fantasies from taking root in my head. I already know I'm pitied. I already know he's looked elsewhere for that new high. I already know that it's impossible. And yet all the sad songs and blackpilled armor can't put it out. And why do I even imagine him as my husband? Fuck. This. Trauma. I am not wedded to him. It is sinful to even consider the idea now. I try to fantasize about celebrities (romance tho) and it feels wrong, like I'm supposed to be "faithful." Faithful to what exactly? A ghost. A phantom. Something that I frankensteined with the "help" of "signs" and all the shit. I will get the facial surgeries because I see his face. --- 1. Can't in good conscience show my own face in play knowing what ppl are capable of 1. research eisenhower matrix etc. how to go about "titillation" or just depiction of reality - possibly edit the film to contain some horror aspect re: social horror to lessen "glorification" or unintended or unconsciously sinfully recreated scenarios illiciting some kind of "defrauding." Ideal audience: Christian, evangelical, Baptist, etc. or People who are hurt from unfaithfulness and betrayal and its effects 2. Helps to pretend he's married and happy without you 3. Concentrate on unrelated project 4. Make Bible reading and prayer absolute non-negotiables. 5. Intermittent fasting? Depends if I want to die early from hereditary heart disease from mom's side. On the one hand, I can't stop it if it's what God has in store for me. Uncle had/has it, grandma died in sleep in 40s. Might've gotten those genes. Who knows. 6. Lol, on the other hand, I can't imagine a future 30-year-old me rationalizing going to some EU country to go off themselves. As in, "nothing can separate you from the love of God" or your chronic pain might just kill you. What's the difference between emotional and physical pain anyway. Elephants have died from a broken heart. 7. People who think I look like my biological dad are blind. I really don't. Just because I don't look like my mom or a woman. My features, on my face, if honestly examined, are really bland. My dad's type of features on his face are long, tangos nose (mine is, although also like that, it's big and flares into a triangular bulbous arrow esp. when I smile with teeth), I do not have the same lip shape as him and my lips are really fucking asymmetrical. I don't have the same cheekbones as my bio dad, which are high ones. My cheeks are really flat. I have a semi-very slightly babyish kind of like thing going on (but not chubby or big or even wide) with a weirdly placed set of teeth bones above and below my teeth that makes my mouth protrude or look weird when I smile with a closed mouth. They're kind of rounded instead of flat gums that my lip skin can lay on top of normally. So when I make the "w" shape or try to pout, it looks like a balloon end or anus? instead of being appealing. I try to deliberately not move the upper lip so this does not happen. Also, braces kind of ruined my face shape because when I was in grade 6 I had no braces yet and I had a nice V-shaped face, though with crowded teeth, with a narrow tapered chin. Compared to now, all rounded out and U-shaped, though straight, bottom teeth. 8. Tbf I'm not denying that in some carefully calculated angles my face can pass. Most days maybe I can be pleasant or what my mom's word (learned from her and not comment made about me): may itsura or itsurahan. Human nature and porn and celebs and grass is greener me wants to appeal to widely accepted (and not niche) beauty standards like ultra-feminine luscious lips, almond eyes, upturned nose, high cheekbones. I don't know. for 12-14 - written on Jan 15 morning when you're supposed to effin' do comments for one-act plays.