(thoughts from January 23) I. If I’d gotten a Windows laptop after HS grad who knows where I would be - alternate paths set by choices I didn’t necessarily demand. Thoughts like this are 'trivial agonies’ but like in the Mr. Nobody movie— stop brooding  II. It’s like I spoiled a sacred Santa myth of some sort - or it feels like it III. I miss my privacy  IV. They killed the curiosity. “Who’s they?” V. I am no longer alive in a sense that I have acquired what I thought was a blessing in disguise - a diseased, mal-handled brain which I think no amount of meds is going to fix. Not literally ’not alive’ but in some sense the awareness is so much more acute that what my function apparently is is to be studied and gawked and dehumanized every day by perceptions of perceptions. And I have no way to prove it to retaliate which I badly want to do on a daily basis and the guilt is somewhat only relieved by occasional kindness or cats/dogs. Retaliate against what I mean is the events that I started and today I wanted to do unspeakable things which frightened me (not really). Saying that is almost pretentious but having these thoughts no longer faze me because I don’t think I can go through the actual act of harming anyone in real life. It’s the violence inside me that somehow wants to escape and I am only this close to snapping again or maybe if I don’t take Depakote. It might be time to take up a martial arts sport to release my anger. I realized I have so much of it. This  wasn’t new but the fact is that I’m acknowledging how much anger I have and what I need to do to solve it in a way that gives me catharsis and will empower me to make my life better instead of succumbing to a constant victim mindset where I 'chafe at the slightest’ whatever phrase I pretentiously came up with in the past. I want to slice things with a huge knife that’s lighter than a sword (not talking about fencing). After cutting up some fruit the gesture is almost soothing I forget I’m actually living a lot of people’s nightmares of being exposed and still being alive and not kicking the bucket or biting the dust or ‘insert native idiomatic phrase here pertaining to suicide.’ I remember playing fruit ninja for hours on a tab that wasn’t Apple. VI. I was consumed with the idea of earning passive income by investing in stocks. More details you need to write about incl. not being pretentious about trying to not earn money to buy things in any legal way I can, including cutting down on food. I don’t think there is an alternative to capitalism unless we hypothetically go back in time to stop its development but I have not read Mark Fisher’s book. Considering at this stage I have an aversion to asking my parents for anything and having no marketable skills for employment aside from transcription which I am planning to do.