February 3, 2020 - Gail Yap's Blog | Isaiah 42 Ωω

**Social Anxiety Monitoring Form 2020** | | | | | | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | Place/Situation/Time | Fear (0-100) | Physical Feelings | Anxiety-provoking Thoughts | Anxious Behaviors | | January 7, Tuesday. I went to OUR first to settle the deficiency/accountability. I entered and I unconsciously stared at people too long because somehow I was in the headspace of a veteran scout. Realized my mistake and read Circe on my phone. Didn’t talk to anyone. Overheard a ‘gym bro’ talk about Jaybird and some other things which vaguely annoyed me. An employee who was calling numbers didn’t look me in the eye which I thought was strange. He read my student number which didn’t bother me anymore that I’m supersenior status and told me to go up the third floor, which kind of irked me since I could have remembered CRS problems are settled above. Saw Jacob Obinguar acc. to the nameplate and he didn’t talk to me because he was eating ufs food. And then went on my way to CAL. | 30-60 (mostly because of that ‘nabag-uhan’ feeling where I don’t like huge crowds of people aware of my presence) | Sweating, feeling tense | “Omg it’s that weirdo wannabe tv star! What a novel sight. Made my day HAHAHA.” “She’s so… normal. She’s making it up.” Would’ve preferred this life to be mostly non-recognition (amazingly) but events in 2019 made sure that would thereby be impossible from that point hence. | I don’t know what I seem like from a third person point of view but I guess it’s walking too fast. I still do not think I have to look at everyone I see but I try to make it a point to do so. | | January 7, Tuesday. I entered the CAL building entrance in front of Miranda Hall(?). Had to walk my way in the hall full of people waiting in their respective queues for pre-advising, enlistment, etc. I then went to the Theatre room near PH138 where there was a table with a printer which I spotted (thankfully) because I was already anxious about forgetting to print the paper which apparently slipped my conscious planning stew. I saw “the politician” (I forgot his name) and a girl who sat beside him handling the printing. The girl who printed her paper reminded me of Isabella which was somewhat calming. Then I printed mine and noticed a blank space where “Regular” was supposed to be. “The politician” had to handle it and then stamped my Form 5A with a star. Felt a bit awkward but it was just mild anxiety. | 40 | N/A or unnoticeable safety behaviors | Irrational thoughts on the lines of “You will never be competent enough to be an iskolar” “We can juggle our studies as well as serve the university community” | Looking down and trying not to seem hateful or aggressive. | | January 7, Tuesday: I sat in front of the bulletin board near PAV 1120 and read The Philippine Collegian paper, even underlining the words. I didn’t experience as much anxiety anymore even when I was sitting alone and was aware of how incompetent I was at Filipino, hence the underlining. And then I realized the line wasn’t moving. Or was it that I saw a pair of feet or pants which felt like Prof. Falgui’s or was it just my imagination or maybe it was a lookalike to signal that I was wasting time. I then went to 1114 after reading the paper posted on 1120’s door which I didn’t read, and saw Carlo exiting. Realized 1116 was the door closest to CW. Also realized I wrote antsy. Was already subconsciously primed to be afraid probably and the first face I see is Prof. Paolo’s and a squad/barkada of two women and a man, hazy language studies/comp lit people/woman, and Prof. Falgui looking down at his phone and smiling. The woman beside Prof. Paolo was talking noticeably loud inside a quiet room of course and she had curly hair. After the student before my turn with Prof. Sanchez was pre-advised, the anxiety had somehow evaporated and I could talk with a clearer head. I don’t know how many minutes passed but it felt like an eternity. | 70-100 | Shaking hands, racing thoughts, rising heart rate, general feeling of ‘doom’ although I wouldn’t realize the ‘delayed release dosage’ until later that afternoon and evening with the references which didn’t really (surprisingly) rattle me enough until the next day | “This is called “Lost Altitude” hehe” “My Ex and Whys”??? “You want to be the center of attention, don’t you?” “You probably think this scene is about you, don’t you, (don’t you?)?” “Join us!” | Reading but not understanding anything I just read on that paper. I just remember hating myself and my brain for betraying me. | | January 7, Tuesday. I was told to enlist in either CW111 or CW151 and went up to the second floor at PAV1210 for enlistment. I saw Prof. Ledesma (?) and noticed his black-painted fingernails, and guessed that he could be on the LGBTQ+ spectrum. I felt somewhat anxious if I offended him or something especially after I remembered that I’d unconsciously had some spite for him last year when I avoided his gaze in a mataray(?) way and his wearing a trilby(?) (not sure if it was him or another person) then the part where he and Prof. Ong were talking. I remember saying ‘po’ after something like enlistment which was weird when it came out of my mouth since I was going inside an English enlistment room or was that too much brooding. | 20-30 | N/A, trying not to seem aggressive or was it just how I felt internally | I’m not homophobic or at least I try not to be so vaguely spiteful of people. Somehow have this fear that I’ll be reviled if I hate or dislike a particular person who just happens to be gay or on that spectrum. | Not really anything I could remember. I do remember not looking clearly at the two people beside him especially the guy. I might have a blind spot. | | January 28, Tuesday, CL154 class. I responded to a question/discussion about “Muted Cry” and about 2/3s of the way felt that my response was lacking/wanting. I think I even used the intentional fallacy and I only realized this afterward. | 60-70 | Felt my ears go hot, avoided Prof. Sonido’s gaze as much as possible. | Everyone is judging my response and how I keep unintentionally falling back on stock knowledge of movies and Sapir-Whorf. | Repeating myself to stall the growing silence I feel the need to fill up, instead of just a “So that’s what I think.” | | January 28, Tuesday, CW111, Amanda couldn’t open the door and I felt personally attacked again at how my art could be misconstrued when the broken key was basically me not trying to become a slave to my vanity by not getting plastic surgery | 30-40 | N/A | <- | The thing you do at malls/supermarkets when you don’t buy anything and you try to seem like you didn’t steal anything but with not looking at the door too much—>dampened my enjoyment/concentration of the movie | | January 28, Tuesday, CW111, I kept drowning in my own thoughts and I felt some anxiety about not getting as many of the details as much as what I’d felt Lauren did, or what I felt was her moving—intelligence being threatened—the ‘four ships’ or something | 40-50 | N/A | <- | Anxiety somewhat is motivating to try and actively listen to the movie | | January 28, Tuesday, CW111, _Princess Bride_ movie, come to think of it, I didn’t really enjoy the movie as much because I was trying not to react in any way that might give something away such as my biases or prejudice—laughing inappropriately at things no one laughs at, etc. | 30-50 | N/A | <- | “Wearing a mask” | | January 28, Tuesday, Intsik12-13, I wanted to prepare for the quiz, which I thought I did, although somewhat only marginally better than last time, but there was no quiz. I also thought that I did not need to over-worry about whether or not Jadeh was personally attacked by “instant connectivity” because that was not what I was referring to. But during the class I was somewhat ‘concussed’ or kind of lutaw in a way that I couldn’t concentrate, and my anxiety overrode any attempt at concentration (felt like the dumbest again in the classroom). I didn’t want to let Jadeh think I was a snob but I was kind of impatient at how I was trying to listen in class and he kept interrupting my thought processes. It might have also been Waklert withdrawal and lack of sleep. | 40-60 | N/A | <- | Trying to respond as a person who is patient just like he did on the first day of class with me. And also trying to show more emotions on my face to not seem like I was anxious/mildly irritated. | | January 28, Tuesday, Lunch, Dinner at NISMED canteen and Lutong Bahay. I left my phone on the table in a decisive but naïve course to communicate that I trusted absolute strangers because I didn’t want them to think I thought they were untrustworthy. Which I should have learned already not to do. The first person beside me kind of looked like Prof. Aquino so that might have factored in my trust rating. | 20-30 | N/A | <- | N/A | | January 28, Tuesday, Intsik12-13, the preparation for oral exams with my group with Reg and Jadeh. Also remembered how many slips in concentration—like the wei shenme “what’s cause,”—I had in class and felt like a block of wood in class. I didn’t want to use OCR at all because I didn’t think it would be helpful even as Jadeh suggested it but just debating with myself in my head about whether or not to disrupt their conversation and brainstorming with my new app feature made me not want to open it. Matters were made worse when I felt Nana, who I felt was looking at my feet earlier, asked our group if we needed the app she was showing us, and I didn’t respond. For some reason I couldn’t and my anxiety or selective mutism took hold and just pulled me into a draining vortex. | 50-80 | Similar to the feeling I got when I was new to the whole ‘being exposed.’ I can’t adequately describe what it is but I felt an ‘out of body’ as well as being ‘sucked inside’ feeling that just made me lightheaded coupled with the lack of sleep and Waklert withdrawal | I have no personality and am the weakest at language and expression and I don’t exist outside of my head. | Not responding, stonewalling? | | January 28, 2020, Tuesday, Mom calling me to remind me of everything I missed and still have to do | 50-70 | I got home and slept for about four hours after contemplating exercising around the oval, which I didn’t do because I was too exhausted. And then I think I lost all my patience and poured all of my bottled anger on her for reminding me of my failures even as I was trying to—in my perception—already get started. | Anxiety at being 22 and not having accomplished anything in the adult sphere. I am going to miss a workout on Seven if I do not hang up as soon as possible. | N/A | | January, Not sitting beside people. At this point, I don’t know how I couldn’t muster enough momentary initial confidence to sit down beside people esp. after an experience with a girl in CL154 whom I asked about the index card. I also don’t like sitting beside people because that means I would have to talk, which I know only hampers my progress, and it’s not because I don’t want their company, but because I’m afraid of making even more social mistakes and seem boring/off-putting | 50-100 | N/A | Maybe they think I’m not worth talking to, or maybe they’re thinking, It’s my turn to roleplay, which I know isn’t a productive way to think. | Feeling safe by being far away from people and sitting away. | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— With Cha: I sat beside her, and then immediately felt nervous when people to my left and front greeted me, like Donna from CL154. I made small talk with Cha from Stat about AO3 and anime. | 30-40 | N/A | I’m a really boring person without any interesting hobbies—I don’t even write or read regularly, and I couldn’t help but think I was being judged for having a very narrow scope like Your Name, and Nodame Cantabile, which were all I could name when there are all these people out there who could quote entire volumes of a bunch of writers or series they regularly follow because it’s their passion. | Avoided sharing things about myself because I at that moment really didn’t have anything I was particularly engrossed in. | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— Roland | | | | | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— Lawrence/L from CL121 | | | | | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— Angeli | | | | | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— Abby 1 | | | | | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— Erwin | | | | | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— Lakan | | | | | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— Cal | | | | | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— Julia | | | | | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— Won | | | | | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— Burger | | | | | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— Girl with pink hair convo with Cal on AS steps—word you’ll invent and use in a story/scene or ________ | | | | | | January 31, talking with people in the UPCW Apps Orye— Nadine | | | | | | | | | | | | February 1, spiel in class about a paper I couldn’t defend | 70-80 | At first I thought I could better control thoughts of impromptu doom—the shaky hands didn’t interfere as much as it did before but it was still there I felt. I think the real symptoms started when I went up on the platform and tried to express in Taglish, but then couldn’t exactly, and then backtracking and resorting to English. Had a slight increase in conviction in the middle when I started using hand gestures. I could not relax in what was supposed to be a wonder-provoking discussion about the future. | I sound so dumb and uninformed and my thoughts are oversimplified platitudes because I was not getting any confirmation that I was heading in the right direction. | Not looking at the audience because I can’t seem to communicate and think at the same time; looking down to think. | | Feb 2, Talking with Ate Christi after church | | | | | | Feb 2, Talking with Francesca in the CR after church | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |