Irritants however mild today: people at the oval: girl with blonde hair near UP Law, girl with bigger than average boobs with two other girls near Gonzales Hall or that building beside Melchor, the thought of Loujaye having my dream career [and possible degrees that I could have wanted in the past]. The "fake degree" in CREDO wasn't a dig at her but it was aimed at myself. I'm not even sure if I can produce enough work for a workshop that will expect me to have done away with juvenilia like UPNWW. When I saw that pic of her with J. Neil Garcia on Prof Audrey's profile, it was like a 'Hydra got replaced and two more in its place' situation. I think she was the girl in Prof. Mike's car if that was him. [blue and white checkered polo memory]. Compounding anxiety of my inferiority and feelings of disparity. "Wow I'm really deluded" like that guy in Parasite. Electra complex in _full swing._ Competing with sexually attractive mothers for the sexually attractive fathers.  - Deep-seated mistrust/distrust of women - Women who "marry up" because I thought they were only chosen for their beauty - First women and girls in my life only brought misery: mother and sister - Where the "I'm not like other women" comes from but the version that goes something like, "I'm really not even close to how a woman should be, though I want to be, even though I hate succumbing to expectations I can't reach" - Why my favorite princess is Tiana - The last time I felt any kinship was in high school with Isabella, Donna, Kate, Alizeiah - Memories: - Kurtwayne (to me): [context I don't remember] You look like Kate  - Me (thinking): We both know it's not true but why would you say that? - Ad on tv with the girl who climbs an Everest-like mountain. Looks like a grade 5 Kate Tumala. - When your whole life is defined by wanting to be someone else. An idol. Like how P. Burke sheds her hulking mass for the blonde asset Delphi. --- For the weekend: - Dept. of Speculation, or my trying to figure out what kind of responses Prof. Paolo got, what Prof Audrey told him, who contacted Prof. Mike, my paranoia projecting: "She hacked me!" or someone questioning him through the phone and him feeling like a boulder crushed him with what I was implying, and then that being cleared up with finding out from my parents and sister what my motives/causes were from my notebooks: ALL_GO seemed "harmless" in comparison to the bomb that was Mixed Messages and alerted everyone involved to my clearly deranged psyche