Hospital memories I got dengue sometime in the middle of the semester when I took Physics 71/72? and I got whisked to the hospital - first in UHS, then at the hospital in QC [insert forgotten name here]. Basically, since I was eighteen or seventeen, I was ushered into the children's ward and the place had really garish sea-themed paintings meant for kids' eyes instead of the usual white sterile walls. I don't know why I dreamt of that hospital but I remember this so clearly because it was the worst - I considered it even worse than actually getting dengue - because a bunch of intern-nurses, about six or seven of them barged in the room and inspected me for some goddamned reason. I was weak and was in pajamas and I didn't have socks on so they all saw my horrible feet. That's it. I know a lot of other people who are insecure about feet - if I'm remembering correctly, I read something about Miranda Cosgrove hating her feet - but in that moment I wanted to shrivel up under the covers, and the covers were of course, pulled away. I remember thinking, "I would get dengue again if I could have pretty feet." Also, I got wheeled around the hospital in a wheelchair which was embarrassing because I could walk and I didn't think I even needed a wheelchair, but they insisted so I just plunked down on my ass with my mask on my face taking in the scenes from the neighboring patients who were bedridden and children who were sicker than me but had less than ideal rooms. The actual dream was so hazy I don't even remember anything because I had one too many cups of coffee. My shirt - the Diliman dri-fit one - was the clearest image. I didn't really get to pack anything because it was all in a hurry - the stress and blurriness of waking up with red spots on my hands and thinking I had some hand chickenpox when it fact it was DENGUE. I could die from dengue. I had to be rushed somewhere. I don't exactly have a good memory but I remember this guy, his name was Van Dyke Alfanta, and he commented on my picture that my mom posted on Facebook which was also embarrassing because why would you post my pictures when I was in distress and undignified? And it had my feet on display for the entire social media people/sharks to see. [Why is there an o in people?] Anyway, Van Dyke I could tell had a crush on me because everyone at church kept pestering me about him and of course, I didn't like him back. He was too like me in the sense that I thought he was stocky and a bit unfit and he was dark, which I know from self-hating colorism days meant I detested dark skin. It would be enough to say that I didn't like him back because his attention was cloying, but that would be a lie. I didn't like his attention because I thought he was unattractive. And if they were matchmaking me with him, then what did that say about me? That's right. I'm a cold bitch. I wasn't in a good headspace back then too. So he commented on the picture and all I remember is irritation. Fuck me for feeling annoyed that I got associated with an unattractive guy. It's human nature and I'm not exempted. Kirsten's mom, Ate Che, as everyone called her, asked me again and again, "Why don't you like him?" in Bisaya, and I really didn't want to blurt out that I didn't like him because there really was no attraction. It would be impolite. But it's the honest answer. I didn't want to lead him on by talking to him because he might think he had a chance and I would be burdened by thinking of so many ways to let him off or cut him out of my life without breaking him. So I thought ignoring him was the best. It's not that I ignore people if I think they're ugly or unattractive, but rather I ignore people, all kinds of people, if they provoke emotions in me that I don't want to confront or acknowledge. It's the avoidant in me that makes me do this. It's too much energy to be expended to care about people so might as well disappear from their sight. I once debated with myself whether or not I was born with a social battery because I almost always freeze when random people from my past show up. My social battery didn't come with the package of being born. In fact, I might have had a twin in the womb who shared the social battery but then I ate her/him before they got to develop further. And it was karma that decided I shouldn't be born with a social battery because I killed my sibling in the womb. Maybe. Maybe... that twin could have been my friend and I wouldn't have ended up hating my entire existence. Why wouldn't it be possible? Twins run in the family. My uncle Noel from my mom's side had a twin who died at birth. My cousin Eunice from my mom's side has identical twin brothers. It's possible... That my first meal was my twin and not my mother's pre-digested nutrients. ??????????????????????