Synthesis of Synthetic Diamonds  I. Paper writing responses No matter what I write I always seem to not get to a point where I feel comfortable with the accusations against my writing that I sense are coming from a place which are meant to manufacture pressure points. This is some kind of view I’ve been working towards adapting this mindset to maintain my own sanity but sometimes my head does not cooperate. For example, I think people think I meant “profit off my generosity” refers to actual love interests who are not me, like Lyra or Prof. ___ , which, given my history, is plausible, and the fact that there’s the word territorial somewhere in the essay pertaining to my behavior before I realized I was not entitled to TV personas. Lately I’ve come to a point where writing about responses and defending myself feels like needless nitpicking/overthinking. It’s definitely anxiety. And it’s definitely tied to my compulsion where I want as little ambiguity as possible.  ii. Losing so much data didn’t feel like something I could be broken up about until I realized I’d forgotten to back up important books I downloaded in 2019 and the journal entries. iii. Atrophy December to me feels like that month where I get to relax and recharge before I do the sprinting/marathon acting gig again.  iv. Yesterday was the second or third time I’ve cried since I got home.  The first time I couldn’t sleep and had tears rolling down to my ears because I think I was mourning the numbness or lack of spirit/creativity/motivation to write/create/study or even genuinely feel anything other than the pain. Yesterday was a mix of normal hormonal fluctuations and some flareups stemming from all that nostalgia for things I did not actually experience. If there was a word for it I think it would be pastalgia /s Usage: I experienced a moderate bout of pastalgia when I saw a bit of A Very Special Love with John Lloyd Cruz and Sarah Geronimo in it, a movie in the early 2000s when Prof. Mike and me living through Prof. Audrey met at UP (J.L. Cruz as Prof. Mike because I spot some kind of resemblance especially the upper part of his face and eyebrows) and then his lesbiana nuns in his "Saving Nuns at the Height of the Christmas Shopping Season” story. It’s kind of like reading two books in parallel where the whole experience is just a bit too indescribable to theorize about. One book is completely fictional and the other isn’t and all the associations write a ghost world in the middle made up of hypotheses. v. I think I’ve been too harsh on myself for denying my own feelings. They were real insofar as the artificiality was not visible to me, and then time ripped the curtains eventually. So what I’m feeling these days can be likened to an artificial breakup of sorts. I was never so amazed at what my brain could do when I realized towards the end of my saying, “I remember when I was in grade 5 and I peed in the bed” to my mom when she woke me up one morning during the LOA in early 2019 that it wasn’t actually me who did, but another classmate. It’s possible that I experienced some kind of dream state or experience a lot of other subconscious lives without me realizing it, but I didn’t remember anything when I woke up. vi. I was on Omegle a lot as a tween and pretended to be a white girl who "runs track and was fit.” “You sound hot” the other girl on the other side of the world said. I disconnected because I was like 12 or 13 and was scared. I can definitively say I’m not lesbian, neither did I give Kate’s profile to some stranger, or rather, I was running the possibility of sending it out of jealousy, and I have some suspicions that the girl who posed as her on Facebook could be a classmate she had in Qatar when she went there for a part of high school at PISQ, or maybe someone from OCGS [because I remember it was her picture with the rose that was used]. vii. I have to believe I’m worthy in order for this recovery to work. The whole idea of future diamond brain when it looks like plain carbon/graphite or something at first.  viii. I have some curiosity over what Prof. Mike sent to my mom in the email but I don’t want to read it for the reason that ’to claim a genuine hit you have to make your predictions in advance’ and also because I feel like he didn’t actually send her the email. ix. What I remember this week, in no particular order: a. Taking armodafinil and then sinking into the kind of flareup that I can’t easily stop b. Watching/flipping channels while my family was away shopping and then talking to an imaginary friend/s.  c. Doubting whether or not psycho-social disorders all have overlap and that I’m unclassifiable because I seem to have all those traits in varying degrees. Downloaded some books on Selective Mutism and I faintly remembered tropes like the Mary Sue who has special powers because her weakness at the start or what makes her different and thus dangerous. Except that I’m a magnet for mental disorders and I occupy a huge stretch of the spectrum which includes but is not limited to, selective mutism, bipolar disorder, autism spectrum disorders, anti-social personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and who knows if I could grow up some more and show symptoms of schizophrenia, dissociative personality disorder, and other thought disorders. d. Thinking that I don’t have the same qualia as Prof. Mike and it’s likely that he feels hurt and used and rightfully angry (not that I don’t have any right to my own feelings of being hurt, used, and angry). I pray he finds happiness with someone else if that is what he wishes. Or if he and Prof. Audrey mend their relationship. Seeing him on 11/26 at the Profernalia tore down some of my arguments in my final CL151 term paper.  e. Found myself regretting that I hadn’t seen The Haunting of Hill House sooner. f. Saw Alyssa Magriña near that BB Mike store on our way to church   g. Tina Mende dressed up like Kate. Remembered how she looks like Jennylyn Mercado.   h. Felt a bit overdressed when my mom and I showed up in the same outfit since I can’t pick my clothes myself nor do I really care at this point in time.   i. I think this just made me think [writing this right now] how hell is going to be a place where “whatever your worst fears are we will make sure of it and more, permanently, without any letup”   j. Armodafinil is effective but perhaps with my new issues from when I last used modafinil I guess a half tab wouldn’t work as well.   k. Some part of me wants to submit to a journal and write something that will matter like anti-capitalism.   l. I don’t think I brought it up in writing before but I knew there was some kind of implied text in Smartphone Arguments where the parents aren’t actually arguing but telling each other what they want to do re: “tell me what you want to do” and the threeway communication between Sabby [Looking for Alaska/John Green tweet on Facebook], Kate, Prof. Paolo, or Prof. Mike or Brainlinks Sir Edward a.k.a. "[name of Ralph’s girlfriend] who?” comment to try and see if I’d attempt to “break the relationship open”. It did kind of rankle me but then I let it go because it’s irrational to stay mad at something that’s illustrative to teach me empathy.   m. “Do you want me to write a letter?” — Prof. Mike, first day of Eng 143 when I thought he couldn’t really mask his anger.   n. I would have punched me in the face/mouth on April 12 if I were Prof. Audrey.   o. When I submitted that story for Seat14c I had a fantasy where I would win and ask Sabby to go with me