i. I can't believe it just occurred to me now at 1:37AM. There's probably no agency that has lookalikes but someone who got their foot in the door, or someone who knows someone who knows someone, to let Facebook database engineers hand over people's face data so that accurate matches can be found or discovered.  [showerthought] from the picture of myself in the red dress with yellow flowers on it. I remember browsing on my dad's IBM laptop in that dress in the back room beyond the foyer, looking at cat pictures, my face lit by the thin [probably Gina Earth]-curtained windows. "People worked hard" to create algorithms that matched faces according to very specific specifications[?] Google Art App I had to download along with another app with a function that's like the Tor browser because it's not available in the PH. I tested my face with it and got upset with the results. I also tested my face against this experiment/app[?] I don't quite remember and then the results showed that I looked and resembled, or at least the proportions of my face were close to those that black people had, because I was shown mostly black people. I admit I was a bit let down. It was a problematic reaction because I wanted to look more white. ii. I suppose the only way, in an ideal world, or a fantastical universe maybe, for me to escape being "taken out of context" or unintentionally refer to something I know could be there, and others know could be there and aren't sure if I referred to something when in fact I was just trying to recall detail, would require me to invent a new language system with its own vocabulary and with a way to refer to things in their own contexts to mean specifically that thing, so that nothing gets clouded[?]. This is the mess I made with steganography and I hate what I've done to my head and other people's heads. The vocabulary and new language would be too cumbersome to be useful or necessary.  --- From index: random pages -Nodame -Pancakes and waffles -Isabella  -April 12: "I'm flat-chested" -     "He won't love me if I don't have boobs" -Going to Sia's house—a memory of her going up to me and copying my footsteps to try to initiate conversation. -Sia grad pic with her bf Mio -Ignoring possibility that the overweight lady beside Prof. Mike might be the mom of Francisco B. de Guzman, who probably got adopted by a relative, say, his uncle, when he was in his twenties because he was still in school. He is a biological dad. -"Not as squeaky clean" -~~Probably not~~ -Gita doing labor -Prof. Audrey compersion looking at the windows. -Prof. Mike trying to write unselfishly -"fatphobia" -Paranoia -     Preselect Me! -Oh no everyone  [is just using me] [to get some direction!] [or a new love] -Needs massive PR repair -F everyone -Paranoia -More paranoia -Not knowing whether I am in hell or hell is actually bottomless, if you catch my drift -*deletes human nature pages* -Me making the celibacy vow not because I had a nightmare about having twelve kids somewhere running around in the house chasing me, but because I do not want to compete and lose, and have that be my reality. -Trying to use this "bitter" and turn it into sweet. Ain't possible.  -Don't expect actors to be ideal, folks. Or kids. Whatever. Vow made for other reasons such as: -can't take rejection well -being a narcissist or having narcissistic, navel-gazing tendencies.  -"Unfit" for romantic relationships because of the above ALSB actor who makes wallets rumors stop thinking and use the power of compartmentalization. Thanks. You have bigger responsibilities.  You are responsible for how you act, not how you feel. TV is propaganda. TV isn't real. TV is TV. Telescopic vision Stars and Northern Lights. Opium. Hopium. Hope abounds in small quantities. You try to pack stardust It becomes ash tomorrow Moments and stills Yellowed and dog-eared Moth-bitten  Snap its wings then In half Or quarters Horror for injustice lasts a moment Opium takes you places To forget KUMBAYA We're all in this together We're all going down Together --- Passport is grace Installed what sense of privacy I can get with 2 fly-like eyes staring at me [chair leg caps from shopee]. Don't know when I did this but it was recent. I could probably take them off but no one has the right to see my face.