i. Mildly productive day    Woke up late   Almost went to BDO Katipunan thank God I did not waste time thanks to a Google search    Bought food at Spam Place    Figured out cultural text would be Noli    Made progress with Term Paper    Saw Kuya Rico and got reminded to exercise [I forgot what thought process]    Got a NAT when I saw guy with stripes T-shirt around oval    Spat a yellow loogie inside a dirt opening just because [I thought it was okay since composte]; may be because I wanted to express annoyance without cussing.    Shower paranoia and Ju-on/The Grudge ii. Plan:    Finish term paper [bulk of it] tomorrow 24 and submit before 12MN    Read the rest of the CL121 or at least do a survey with the remaining to get a handle on theories you can use for cultural text [do this throughout the week]    Begin scrapbook  iii. Memory:    High school, second year: Karen Cabasa and Ma'am Hannah's illustration/example of how her dad would be okay if he gave her one hundred pesos, but would hesitate if it was me who asked. [I don't remember the context]    Karen Cabasa and our 'friendship' and eighties blush on: Her mom applied makeup on me in the backstage when we prepared to sing or present something, and I remember disliking it. Cakey/thick makeup, I mean. Another incident where someone tried to apply makeup on me and it did not sit well on my face [OCGS got talent] with me in a dress that highlighted how bad the makeup was.  iv. Sometimes there's no time to reflect anymore. Doesn't mean I am never going to progress at life. It's just that at this point writing is too cumbersome. And I don't think I can do much else this last two months of 2019 aside from passing at least two courses [Hopefully more] by rebuilding habits left to the gutter the past few months.  v. This week's been chock full of imperfect analogies. Felt ostranenie again and again. UPTC carnival yesterday. Couple hand in hand. Rizza probably seeing the lola in Ang Lumang Makina ni Lola Mina with the same shirt pattern. Them asking for me when I appeared to care for them [I say appeared because in my guilt of not being a good 'make a child happy' teacher I gave her money so she and her brother wouldn't have to diskarte in Area 2 for a night] and wanting to get inside Tita Alma Cruz's house, which I understand is a valid concern because she is worried about the father who is in prison and I heard would be released this December. The kids now see me as someone to secure them indefinitely [I don't know how they think]. I have some discomfort with this because I naturally do not like children, never mind children who are not related to me, and then children who are uncommunicative and underprivileged and who I think I only accepted because I wanted to prove how unfair society is to people like them instead of actually wanting them to be happy. Don't get me wrong, I do not wish evil on them or blame them for being poor, but I, being a student with my own problems don't know how this 'reading storybooks they can't relate to' [as what I currently had were Palanca-winning books] don't have the passion or extra-altruistic bone like people who do community care activities to alleviate pain and suffering. If this is what people think of me does not matter to me as much as my being kind of internally irritated by the fact that they will not respond as how 'normal' kids respond, normal as in privileged 'in-of-school-youth' people who have ideas and interests. I treated it as a kind of Benefit of the doubt thing where their drawings absolutely had nothing to do with me and them not taking advantage, but ostranenie as it gets, it did kind of become hard not to be annoyed by circumstances, and I was questioning myself the whole time about not being better prepared to talk to the kids in fluent Tagalog. I'm not saying I would have been better prepared to talk to them if they were Bisaya but maybe I would have been. I think I said dahon because I don't know what leaf is in Tagalog, because it's either I never absorbed the word anywhere or I never needed to use it, or I learned it once and my brain couldn't assimilate it into the other vocab words. [Google says it's Filipino but I always thought it wasn't also Tagalog?] vi. Getting back to an exercise habit and experiencing runner's high after a long while felt great vii. Felt like I can't repeat a scenario, according to Prof. Manalo or what I got from that short interaction last week after Audrey L. approached me [with Abbyabbyabby which was endearing], where I could ask for forgiveness in person as I have no wisdom of any kind in real life ["simulations" meme] where I could relive the whole thing while it's still fresh in memory and when there's not a lot of distance from it. I think I absolutely did not know what to do and just went with my gut—which was to approach Prof. Manalo even as he almost did not stop—or pretended not to hear me trying to get his attention. I somehow didn't think at all and decided to say, "Did you get my email." And I just got a "The two are not ready." And a question about my enrollment status. I think it's when I started to realize they don't think they'll want to see me either. And that my suspicions of an unspoken restraining order are actually true. Regardless, I have accepted that all they want at best is for me to graduate and deal with my disability as best as I can, even if I will not get to have that closure or meeting. If it is actually possible to have become sociopathic/psychopathic even if I was not born with it or did not act sociopathically/psychopathically... Or maybe the action of writing ALL_GO and sending it can be described as psychopathic and sociopathic, which I can agree with, and the unintended side effect of me living forever in a mind of a sociopath with severe anxiety and hence no social skills, but does not want to inflict more damage on people. That is on top of already being autistic.