i. No one is probably going to believe me, but I wrote the CW140 essay abstract with a character in mind who would "transform" as the essay progressed. I don't know if I was trying out a fiction technique that entailed the character's voice to change when they realize what they did was wrong, but that exact thing was what I was trying out even though I didn't consciously try to. Disclaimers are qualifiers that make my arguments and defenses look whispered. I should stop doing it. Part of growing up is having integrity by being consistent in my defenses.  ii. Prof. Anon probably resembles a girl from high school or from his past. Just as someone who conveniently looks like Sabby [Ronald] is in my CW110 class and is good at writing. To be honest how 'hurt' I am at the thought they could have an MU or are dating could be a barometer of how I feel about him. It's not really affection because I don't know him. I am/was an overzealous fan. People thought it would be best to torture me and gift him a throwback to high school, or someone who reminds him of a time long past, since high school [or college] probably feels like ages ago to him. I'm not denying that I feel a kind of urge to drop CL172. Too late for that. "Feels like high school." What I am doing is "escaping the ups and downs" by flatlining? I think I do this through ~~zen~~ temporary depersonalization. I strive to look at the emotional terror and see it for what it is, a threat to my growing sense of self. The only reason it didn't kill me today is because I know what's good for me is not at the DECL department, and this is because of a continuing consideration of God's will for my life. This kind of calmness, or developing this kind of emotional stillness, is as close to peace as I can get, and I'm fascinated at developing it further to harness it somehow—not a type of adversity quotient pill. It's more like a way for Christians to make sense of fear and to live in the freedom from the world's guises, guiles, vanity fairs and such, so that they are prepared and become God's ambassadors. If one can't describe Heaven or make people look up, and only up except luring them and not keeping them there because they were lured by worldly prosperity, then the thing I want to develop is the hope and peace on this Earth despite the physical and mental hells, where the only constant is change and chaos, where you could die tomorrow in an earthquake, and where relatives and people you love could turn out to be unsaved. iii. Also felt the urge to drop CW110 but I wouldn't be able to graduate if I did that, would I? It is true that the word friend doesn't mean what it means anymore. Or is it just paranoia? iv. Above point sounded a bit snarky. This is the vileness I have to shut out. I honestly, despite praying to God to make me forgive them, want to get far away as possible from all of the vile I felt. Of course, this is God's way of loving me. He is preparing me for something I don't know yet, I know it's nothing compared to eternal life He has promised. v. Why Prof. Mike cried is probably the same reason as any normal person in his situation would. The whole of Quezon City knows his face and while he wouldn't be able to tell their thoughts, no one likes to become a person of interest for the wrong reasons. I know I've put other people into similar boats and they probably feel like celebrities, pariahs, indifferent "I know her from...," and more. What I was too naive and blind to believe was that the world loved me or at least I'd gained some kind of notoriety. I abhor it now. What I was. I do not know what mindset people have that makes them fit for the entertainment industry, which is another moniker for "opium" industry. I hope what I am doing, this attempt to atone by training myself to become a steadfast Christian, is for the right reasons. To lead people to do the right thing. Including myself.