[x]Hongkong in the Sixties []Sa Loob ng Maynila []Take home seatwork CL121 afternoon [late submission] Medieval worldview section paper equivalent ~~[]CL121 Section Paper~~  []Write the Street Smart essay due Thursday [late submission] []Prepare activity and things to do for the child []Write RP6 due Thursday [late submission] []Write Story due Wednesday night [late submission] [x][]Study for Exam Friday [x]Pay rent []Get receipt for rent payment ~~[]DL 2005 version~~  []Come up with a title that will help you frame story []Call mom []Journal again --- Delusions you need to quit/stop feeding: []That you will become Eurus and predict things before they happen—those are just coincidences/chamba Nov  6: I: 1.5 A: n/a D: 3 7: I: 2 A: 3 D:2—went to the library in the afternoon after eating at University Hotel [Lechon kawali + mixed veggies]. Some foreign people talking and a Filipina who used to go to UP talking about how back in the day they still allowed smoking, which brought back memories of my mom telling me that she once had a class with a prof who also taught her eldest brother, Manong Teddy, the father of my cousin Eunice, and how he would smoke and pee out of the window[?]. Also brought up a memory of that 3 Idiots movie where they got drunk and fell asleep in the back row. I was reading logical fallacies in the Dadufalza Reading Into Writing textbook and felt envy when I saw the foreign woman with the bigger than average breasts in a peach-orange sleeveless shirt. Anyway, it rained really hard and I couldn't help but for a split second entertain that my "Sendong" timeframe in the story contributed to the sudden downpour. Or the Mean Girls' movie. Stop it. You didn't actually predict anything. To be a Nostradmus/events analyst means you must actually read and listen to news. Had some internal conflict about whether or not I actually meant harm or that maybe I was just trying to think my way out in the complicity of everything ALL_GO has done, by what I had done. Thought of Atonement and "BRIONYYY." Marixsm and Christianity. Being really irritated that Marxist critics ignore Roman Catholicism [majority] and religion and spirituality. Or maybe it's just my experience? Do most Filipinos who profess and list down "Roman Catholic" as their religion not actually think about what happens to them after they die? Do they just naturally develop good virtues without religion? Raised well? What does that even mean? Having the right disposition at birth and parents who foster friendships and halubilo and the opposite of what I am. Do Marxist critics think that oppressed people not have an eye for art or ...? I don't exactly know what I'm saying. Why am I getting the impression that everything proletarian or written for the masses has to be or is required to break rules or disregard rules altogether or do the impossible—not be propaganda and still be art, but not too art because you're being to circular and philosophical? Maybe it's just that I'm once again under-read and unable to read literature in Filipino or those written from the point of view of the masses just don't resonate with me because exactly. It's not "my cup of tea." I don't like the fact that I'm feeling this selfish urge to scream, "Oh, so you're all saying I can no longer create art for my own pleasure?" And yet I look at other people who have none of my privilege and think they must not have time for creation. Like my parents. They don't work on a craft that is peer-reviewed or part of an institution that actually trains people to do it excellently, unless you count my dad's framing business and his customized dog tags, which I think are labor in the sense that they don't exactly serve him as a "Framer ng Bayan" in a way that someone who is emotionally moved by a painting or a piece of writing that someone who is a "Writer/Artista ng Bayan" made or labored for. I am not talking about how his vocation is lesser but more in the sense that it's my opinion that it's relatively rote or mechanical, and he doesn't [probably] derive as much creative pleasure from framing or making dog tags as someone who is deeply in a state of flow while they're doing a mentally stimulating task. My dad is intelligent in other ways except he has had to put his hobbies aside because I and my family have to have some kind of income.  Really worried about tomorrow's exam. Ann B. Dobie. Ann O. Nimus from Yesterday. Athletes and a child named Robin who kept talking about fruits. Dream logic? "Nigh" I don't recall any dreams that led to the development of ALL_GO or dev hell or anything. I just described it as such. I don't remember the exact circumstances of writing it but I remember alternating between writing on the bed, and writing on my desk at home in CDO. Saw a woman with a lab coat yesterday who reminded me of a summa cum laude graduate from Xavier University who looked like a white version of Prof Chingbee.  Made me consider going back to CDO because I don't think Quezon City is the place where my calling is. Maybe it's just me wanting to have some kind of direction by modeling myself. Since there's already a Sydney with YA and Alfar and people who hate me and the like. Form a writing group like Altered Carbon and actually release an e-zine? Googled autistic regression and I once again rued the day I discovered it. It's like early acute seasonal Alzheimer's. Exercise is not going to fix it. Prayer alone will not fix it. I felt myself slow to a halt in the library today. At least mentally. Sentences don't make sense anymore except when like now, I'm in a manic mode because I just realized I'd spent three or four years in the same episode. At this rate, it's just going to get worse. I'm just reminded by a torture method they used in Sinister where they trap rats inside a cage and burn that cage so the rats end up burrowing inside you. Metaphorically speaking I don't even think it's apt. What else can the rat really gnaw at when there's only bone? You know when you have a toothache and you feel that pain in the bones of your face. My mind isn't exactly desensitized to shame and pain but I'm just really exhausted by the rat's gnawing, like I'm frustrated because it's either I'm evolving or regressing new pain receptors except I can see my body rotting, my head at least, how's that's possible? It's probably depression and being plunged/stabbed ineffectively. Like how my mom tried to spank me with a belt and my sister and I just laughed because it didn't hurt. I feel dead. "Fascinated at what that ___ can do." in "Vision" Delusion with a fix-it: He was too shy to text Prof. Audrey or approach his estranged girlfriend, so he had Raissa "fetch" her so she can talk with him. I was just squatting the whole time on their profiles and texts. Got in the way. Like a meddlewoman. I'm really just amazed at how in denial I was. How willing and desperate I was. Fascist energy, hormones, moral bankruptcy, no foresight, mental disorder, thought disorders, loneliness, selfishness, ego, thinking I was special for having no problems touching myself, etc. Prof. Audrey is the better woman and I had no right. Of course, this has no effect and it's just text on screen. I will somehow amass all my courage [after learning to talk to a deprived child, which I think is at least 60% or 70% on the anxiety-inducing scale; talking to her would be maybe more or 100% if it included talking to Prof. Mike and Prof. Manalo, since I haven't really had an equivalent April 12 incident] Questions: What exactly is a treatise and how do you not make a story that sounds like it's "dressed up like a treatise on sociology, economics, and other references and solutions/incisive comments to local -isms without "universalizing?"  "The story is too generic" "Seems like a template" "Simplistic, reductive, unschooled in material dialectics, concrete jungle dandyism, see you in the next life type" "It must be useful and beautiful and have social value" If it's just useful it's propaganda, if it's just beautiful it's an object, if it's just social value it's probably echo chamber fodder [assuming you don't want to make enemies] I don't believe in reincarnation because that's unbiblical. However the Bible mentions a kind of spiritual transformation from a heart of stone to flesh. Something Son Lux and signs --- []CL121 report paper --- Sunday Nov 10:  I: 1.5 A: 0 D: 0 Starbucks 2nd Story is still Be Right Back and I have nowhere and nobody but God and the problems brought on by impulse decisions when I shifted out twice [x]CW 110