I don't know why but being concerned about how i look like really bothers me. I want to not care but i just can't avoid it for some reason. esp. my hormones going in whatever direction it wants - i keep thinking of sex all the time. I masturbate excessively. perhaps this is what happens when you're too depressed to motivate yourself to do actual productive work that you cover it up with artificial happy neurotransmitters via shower head. deep down, i know that i really care about not looking good, i mean, i look okay, but okay really doesn't cut it if i want to stand out or be taken seriously as an autistic person. my need to look perfect as a different neuroatypical person probably is rooted around the fact that i know people will just be put off by how i act, so i have to make myself as appealing as possible if only through my physical appearance, while at the same time i have this pompous belief that maybe i shouldn't seem like i'm trying - like this is actually the real me - because sometimes i have this urge to go on product websites that offer to give me a smaller waist, better minimalist clothes, a nicer jawline, plastic surgery for my forehead and nose and eyelids and natural fat breast transfer and all the things i want to change about myself in the hopes that sir [[Falgui]] doesn't see me - my current main reason - as a daughter. because i think he sees me that way, for some reason i can spot some similarities between our features and while it doesn't prevent me from becoming so besotted by him physically, maybe it puts him off to actually consider me as anything other than girl who might've been "what my future daughter would be like if i married [[Audrey]]." maybe this is an autistic thing - the crushing too hard to the point of madness - though i know there's a term for it - limerence. god i creep myself out so much, but this wouldn't be the case if i were exactly his type - maybe big boobs, smaller waist, smaller legs, whiter skin, smaller forehead, dainty features, and an actual brain that works on autopilot instead of every fucking effort to socialize feeling like pushing needles into cement and hoping it won't hurt your fingers and pierce through like it's cloth.