I am so repulsed by conventionally attractive people now re: [[Tony Labrusca]] I know sir [[Falgui]] isn't conventionally attractive to everyone but he undeniably has that magnetic appeal to a lot of girls who like older men. I really want to stop thinking about him because he's taking so much of my mental energy, i even fucking dreamed of him twice last night. the dream went like this: he is sitting in a circle with a bunch of teachers and [[Audrey]], and then just when i think they couldn't ever get back together again, she apologizes and sings him a song with a violin part from her twin sister, and then she wins him back or something. i don't even know why it got into my head that she initiated the breakup but i can only remember that it ended up really swell for them both and i felt really sick. doesn't mean anything. i know. and then there was this part where he overheard me say, "I don't really care" in a bizarre scene with me talking to [[Isabella]] and some other schoolmate from high school. i don't remember what it was that i didn't really care about but it left me feeling really embarrassed and full of regret. My sister and i had a huge fight because she thought i stole her money but i am positively sure and could even bet my pathetic life on the fact that i didn't steal her money and that she wrongly gave me seventy pesos. I really think she is a sociopath who's only goal is to manipulate me into doing stuff for her like buying her food, but other than that i do not mean anything to her, and telling her that she might be one of the reasons why i'll kill myself was a stupid decision that i kinda regret. i mean, why place all that power on her? i mean on the other hand if she did care even a tiny bit, maybe she'd feel bad for a minute and move on right? hahahahahahahahahah fuck her fucking bitchy devil whore spawn. Also, yesterday was kind of a better but still bad day because i ended up overspending money and time just to deposit money in seven eleven to buy a stupid bag that i actually need. i wish i didn't fixate on these things but i guess i just have to meditate more. earlier today while trying to stopper my tears by sheer force of will through meditation, i only ended up staving them off just for them to come out in larger waves. it's literally like just trying to stop a dam from exploding when it's already overcapacity - it feels futile. But i know it's just a temporary thing and i'll probably benefit from it - as a matter of fact, whether through modafinil or subconscious need to transform pain or whatever, i managed to come up with a children's plot akin to astro boy that i could work on for that lampara children's contest. the challenge is, how do i insert a world of complexity like that to very young readers while at the same time not scaring them in any way or damaging their psyches, while also pleasing the adult judges? i have to do a lot of double thinking - not doublethink - considering multiple ways how the story could be read, simple or more complex ways. also because i want sir falgui to understand what the fuck was going on in his english literature class in the midyear when he encountered me, someone he can see is struggling but - i think - deserves to have a higher grade - i don't know why he chose to give me that grade in the first place though - it's like he wants to encourage me but i doubt it because he gave the other student that i know of the same grade, and she couldn't even finish the final exam, so…