Okay, well, I had a really weird dream on the night of Jan 16. And I'm gonna write it down because nothing interesting happened today on January 17. I was in a weird version of my house where metallic things were scattered everywhere and there were lots of really weird openings like doors but not really. I don't know, I just felt really really afraid although I don't remember why. I also ate Mcdo's Chicken Fillet ala king today. And I went to church but I slept though most of it, as usual. Earlier this evening i did my laundry and I also bought a shake in the afternoon. I also rewatched Rick and Morty episodes. And just moments ago, I daydreamed about getting to do whatever i want and making caramel chews in a pristine kitchen because I saw that I had an email from Pinterest with Caramel Chews recipes I think. I'd just do whatever i want in the day and enjoy myself and my family presence because they don't have to work either, if we were billionaires. I don't know if that would make us better Christians, but I really really think that a lot of the stress we're going through right now is directly and indirectly caused by not having enough financial security. And by enough, I mean more than enough to allow us live a life of luxury every single day. I mean, we would have a more enjoyable and better use of our time. Instead, we're worrying about getting the right education and opportunities because we want to be financially secure in the future. And my parents are neglecting their marriage because they're tired from working all the time to provide for our education (which really isn't that worth it in my opinion). It's just that companies probably look for people who have degrees from big name universities. I just want to be happy with my family, and I can't believe how I missed that when I was younger and nearer my parents. I had nothing to do all day and I didn't even make use of my time. It's really stupid of me too, blaming my past self and all that. I mean she was probably stupid, but I can't do anything about that now. I just need to get my shit together for my future self. And also, she's counting on present self to become more disciplined, smarter, perhaps friendlier, and just generally pleasant. I can't believe how my life turned out. I mean i know it's not the end, but I see other people who seem to have it better than me and I just think that it's not fair. I mean nothing's supposed to be fair. But I just can't help it. --- LIFEPROTIP: think of your parents every time you're demotivated. Because really, thinking of your dad's tired hands and muscles and back, and your mom's tired mind and back.. well, it'll make you realise how you can't allow yourself to mess up. Don't be lazy, think of your parents. Do it for them at least. And also, don't forget God. --- Once again, I didn't win in the millionaire makers draw --- I bought an accordion folder from National Bookstore today and I also ate Mcdonald's ala king chicken fillet today for brunch and my sister had fries and I spent 119 pesos on the food and 246.75 on the folder. I also bought a new purple fan. I'm also quietly tearing up as I'm watching Brooklyn, a period movie set in the 1950s. --- Here I am, 18 years old, mediocre and possibly delayed for 5 years, and there's Sabrina Pasterski, MIT graduate with a perfect 5.0. And she built an airplane when she was 14. She's also somewhat really pretty. I really want to be known as competent. I can't become competent when I don't try hard enough. I need to put in the extra effort. I need to bust my ass. I need to overcome my habits. I need to be a robot if I have to, only taking a day off on a weekend. --- I'm going to turn 19 this year and I hope future me gets her act together and start being an adult before then. --- # Just in, my roommate just came in and saw my gift. And she asked to thank my mom. --- I just read the first part of Daniel and how Daniel predicted the King's dream and how he was able to do this through faith in God. It was really moving, because I sort of teared up. I read that he made Daniel a great man before the kingdom. If God is able to do these wonderful things for His children, then I hope I'll have his favour, because as of right now, the cynical part of me is predicting a very dim future. I don't think I'll be able to have a high paying job, or be happy in general. All my fears stem from insecurity. I know I don't have anything now. I am, for all intents and purposes, clay. To be molded and shaped into something. Although I'm not even good clay. I am stubborn, unmoldable clay. I struggle to break free from past habits that make me impervious to repeated chastening. I can't be shaped into something wonderful if I don't let God shape my life. If I don't follow his will for me to be disciplined in my studies and time management, then I WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING. AT ALL. I will be a failure. An unsightly piece of good intentions. I just pray that I'd be able to get through this discipline and will emerge out of it a different, stronger person who is better at life.