I'm bawling my eyes out right now. I arrived at Acacia at 11:30pm and while I'm happy that I already have a table and a bed and bed frame, nothing will compare to home. I miss my dad and my sister Amber and the house and nanay and manang lidya, i miss everything about home. I miss not doing anything. The second semester hasn't even started yet I'm already a mess. --- Earlier today when I was still in CDO, my family and I had a convo in the car of which I don't really know the details. But they work really hard, and they barely buy anything for themselves, so I guess, when I feel particularly lazy, I should just think of my family, who is so proud to send me here to study. And they really love me. They want the best for me. Even if it means that they won't get to see me for months at a time and they won't have as much money if they didn't send me here. I'm crying right now as I write this. It's always going to be a guarantee. The crying, I mean, when I go back to this hellish place. --- This is one of the those days where I want nothing in the whole universe but to be home and be with my family. I want nothing other than that. I don't want an iPhone, I don't want money, I don't want high grades. I just want to go home. --- I'm just extremely upset right now. My tears aren't stopping at any foreseeable time. I'll probably have really puffy eyes tomorrow. --- Well, I woke up at 11:30ish in the morning and I had tons of dreams I barely remember. My alarm was cutting them off so I had varying dreams. I remember playing with Isabella, Kate, and Alizeiah in the old Shekinah lawn. I don't know why. And then I dreamt that I had 590 followers on Tumblr or something. And then I went to SC and called my mom and found out that they were going to Ilang-Ilang with my sister. And then when I finally got there my sister said I looked like I'd been crying and I said, "whatever", but I could see that she was happy because she wasn't the only one who felt sad about this ordeal. She even said that she feels happy because she let it all out in the past few days, whereas I held it in and then it all gave way to tears last night. So now I have puffy, heavy lidded eyes. I reread my old journal entries and I was really thinking about publishing them for all the world to see, but I'd have to change some names or omit pages entirely. Maybe I'll do that when I'm sort of famous already, because nobody wants to read the diary of a failure. I'd have to be successful first before I show the world my troubled past. --- Also, for the sake of filling in the details when my future self is reading this, probably in an air-conditioned room and just relaxing (looking at you, Summer 2016 me), I bought two Dewberry pieces, one blueberry, one strawberry. I also bought this bottled Kopiko coffee. It tasted weird but I had no choice. I spent 38 pesos and used the Ae money. I really have no idea what's in store for me this year. I mean last year, January 12, 2015, I didn't even write any entries. Just goes to show what type of person I really am. As in, I only write (read: rant) about my life when it's not going well. I don't even write enough of the happy times. Like when I'm on vacation. In an ideal (billionaire status) world, I would not have to worry about any of this. I'll probably be inside my high-ceiling room, writing and taking it slow while eating expensive and imported food. I'll have no deadlines, no stress. In fact, maybe I wouldn't even have to go to college if I didn't need to. Or maybe, I'd be the opposite, as in, I'd be able to go to MIT or Harvard because of my alternate reality's fortune (and connections). One thing I'm really grateful for is that I have the best parents, no matter how flawed they are. That's the only thing I've got going for me, really supportive parents who love me and my sister unconditionally. And they aren't deadbeat. They aren't like other parents. They want the best for me, even though it's hard for them. I really really really am grateful for that now. --- I am at a loss for words, not because I really am, but I don't want to sound redundant and these journal entries aren't interesting enough to an outside observer. I write about the same things, the same fears, and they aren't going to change soon if I don't do something drastic. I HAVE to finish my book. I HAVE to get high grades, just to see what's waiting for me on the top floor. I am stagnating. I am regressing. In fact, I might be at the worst stage in my life relatively, but it's also all going downhill, so this time next year, I'll probably be in a worse state than now. I HAVE GOT to stop spewing out negative things about my life. I know God is still in charge of my life. I just can't cope properly sometimes. I mean, when have I ever been well-adjusted enough to cope with whatever life throws at me? I have not been trained to cope. So I don't. And if I attempt to, well, I end up apathetic, and bored, and suicidal. --- My sister, mom and I came back from SM North after we ate fries and Wintermelon Tea.