Most of the time, I don't write anything in here because my life is just too unbearable to confront. But this time might be the exception, even though I still am sad about doing it. Okay… well, i'm going back to hell in a few hours. And then I have no idea how to do all of the things I want to do without having some sort of mental breakdown. I know what I did last semester wasn't healthy, and I'm here wanting so badly to fix it, but I'm scared. I'm sad and afraid and slightly depressed that my oasis is suddenly disappearing for another 5+ months. Today we went to Centrio for about 6 hours after going to church and we ate at Mesa with a friend of my mom's. And then I bought a violet frixion pen and a g-tec pen. --- Maybe all this time, the only time I was _really_ and genuinely productive was when I was melting my fingers on the piano. I was never really productive in school because I didn't need to. I never developed any system whatsoever. And I didn't develop any coping strategies for when I fail. Maybe that's why, along with my non-existent spiritual life, my life is a mess. --- I'm pretty sure that I'm going to bawl my eyes out when I get the chance to be by myself, unlike my sister, who seems to be leaking every five minutes.