Still can't completely process some of the things that happened today. As usual, I was being clueless in chemistry lab, but at least that debacle was all over at 1:00 PM. I head over to the library, and I procrastinate because I don't want to study math yet. Then at 2:30 in the afternoon I walk (or trudge) to the chemistry building. A few minutes roll by, sir comes in with a handful of bluebooks, and I'm thinking, "Great!" and "Oh no!" at the same time because I've been really wanting to know what my score was on that exam, but not really having any ballpark of what my score would be. So, instead of giving us the papers at the start, he starts out with a story, or stories, interesting ones I might add, about the state of UP's relationships with other international universities. I guess he's just really enthusiastic about changing the system for the better. And then he goes through all of the exam's questions and I'm really starting to doubt that I would even pass that exam. Finally, after some time, I kid you not, he starts announcing the top 3 students who got the highest grades, and I was thinking to myself, "Not again…", because I really don't want to become competitive again with another person, especially if they're pretty, I mean it gets me all competitive and insecure about everything that I lack. Then, lo and behold, by some glitch in the universe, Sir Aaron actually writes MY NAME as the top 1! At this point I'm extremely incredulous. I was actually thinking that the odds actually favoured me for once. I mean it's CHEMISTRY for pete's sake. I failed one exam in chem 16 and I was scarred for life, but now I'm actually thinking about reading more textbooks about chemistry because first of all, I might not be as terrible at it as I think I am, and second, now I have to maintain that title. I know it's a double-edged sword, but really, now I'm just high and euphoric about it that I can't actually bring myself to study for the math exam tomorrow. It's like this temporary confidence has been injected in me all at once at such short bursts, like I had experienced this when I got the highest score in a geology exam and not believing it was real life at that time in the first sem. In hindsight, I should probably have more confidence when I know I've studied it, but i can't be too sure. I mean, I still may have studied just the right stuff that coincidentally came out in the exam. But I can't help but think that all of this is just false confidence, and that I'm not really competent, but then I also start to think that nobody becomes competent overnight. Okay. I'm going to start studying in a few. --- I really need to step up my journaling game. I want my life to be documented. As if that wasn't selfish enough. I read an article about this guy who's been journaling for how many weeks or months and realised that he had become better at expressing himself through words and all. I really want to be that guy. And I really need writing practice. How else am I supposed to write a bestseller if my writing is shit? And I really want to know what happens to me everyday of my stay here during the second sem, because, you know, it's mildly entertaining, like I'm reading another person's thoughts but they're actually MY thoughts. Not a really good explanation there but that's all that I can think of right now. I really need to get my shit together. Oh, and my shoes from the US have arrived!! well, i'll be receiving them on Monday because they're arrived at my house in Cagayan, and I can't waaait to wear them and finally burn all these fat that I've been accumulating as a result of my ass being so lazy. --- Currently and intensely procrastinating right now.