oohmygosh. I'm 18. I'M 18. I AM 18. --- o.O Just hope this night becomes something I'll laugh at when I'm older. You know since earlier, I just got so flustered in front of a huge crowd of people and girls who probably hate my guts already because I was being surrounded by two attractive guys who announced that it was my 18th birthday. It was mortifying. I was staring at the crowd and blinding spotlights like the huge idiot that I am and I must have looked so clueless and nerdy and unattractive. I want to disappear. I want to never see Luigi again. I've embarrassed myself in front of him and he must think so low of me. Ugh. --- on the bright side nobody will remember me tomorrow. much less on monday, and the ff: days after that. i just have to tie up my hair all the time because i look drastically different when i do. --- I bet Luigi can tell that I kind of have a huge crush on him. GOSH why do i have to be so awkward? I hate my life. I hate it. I detest it. Why can't I be normal --- WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL ALL THE THINGS. I AM insecure. I am dense. I don't think I'm worth talking to. That's why I shy away when people attempt to talk to me. But I really really really hate this. I wish I had a normal life with normal friendships and a normal mind with no anxiety because of people. Why couldn't I have been born NORMAL???!? I can't believe I'm repeating the same thing again and again. I've done this in high school before with Ralph. And as a result, we never became friends. And now I'm doing the same thing to Luigi. Gosh I hope he doesn't think I'm snobby. It's just that I have this huge mental barrier. And it keeps me from being a normal, well-adjusted and sane adult. Why. Just why?? I am never going to live up to my potential if I keep this up. I wish, ugh. I gotta stop whining. --- I wonder what this journal would look like in four years. Like, would I even bother to reread all of them ever again? I feel like a 7+ years worth of journaling wouldn't be too interesting given the kind of reclusive tendencies I have. I wish I wasn't so reclusive. If i didn't have social anxiety, Luigi and I could probably be friends at the very least. Why do i subject myself to this? This is entirely my own fault.