I haven't written anything substantial in months. What use is my life if I don't do anything substantial. I feel like a zombie. Just going through the motions. Life's tedious motions. Eat, study, sleep, repeat. Oh and procrastinate. My mom just left for the airport earlier in the morning and probably arrived in the early afternoon. I just want to be with them, my family, just sitting in the sala, probably watch some movie with food, or just talking. I would love that, instead of this constant anxiety-inducing environment. --- I'm not ready for the slew of exams coming my way. --- I don't know if I remember correctly, but I recall going into Art Circle Cafe, and when my mom and sister were already seated with some food out front, there was this guy who went in, and I didn't really try to look at him for some reason, and then after some time, I decide to sneak a glance, upon which it was met with the guy's glance. I remember looking eye-to-eye with him, if not for a millisecond. It was a tiny fraction of a second. It couldn't be that he stared at me first, but I'm not so sure. The guy was sort of famous, Joseph Marco, an actor. I also remember walking with my mom and sister in an almost empty seating area in the airport. It was so nice because the chairs were comfortable and soft. We waited there until the airplane could arrive. Of course, this happened during the summer 2015, when we were going back and forth to Manila for my sister's early registration and my application I think. I remember another time when we as a family, with my mom and dad and sister, went to Ayala mall to eat at Harbor City, and I don't know if we went to the grocery or watched a movie. Anyway, I remember watching a movie, although I don't remember what. It was nice. I think this happened more than once, with different movies, although I can't remember. Also, speaking of movies, my mom and my sister and I, before classes started, I think, we went to SM North to watch Tomorrowland in IMAX. It was one of the best experiences I've had in a movie theatre. I think my mom has a picture of me smiling at the screen. I remember being 10 years old or something like that and I had to create all these scripts for the puppet show or something. Oh wait, I think I was 11 because I remember the classroom being for the grade 5 students. My hands ached, but I could have easily typed it on my mom's computer. I wonder why I didn't. And I remember creating a car or something. It was a cardboard blue one which I had to paint myself. For a play. I don't know why I'm recalling all of this. Oh wait, it's a prompt. This journal app has a prompt on the top of the entry. A different one every time I open. I remember my mom visiting me and then the night when she finally walked with me to Kalayaan, well, outside of it, and then she was supposed to get a taxi so she could go home to CDO. And she said something like, "I don't want to be a statistics." which I take it that she meant she doesn't want to just be a statistic. Like as in, in suicides. Because I think she was depressed or something because all the people in her office were ganging up on her as if it was like high school. I remember being in Oro Christian and just feeling the cold airconditioning during the lunch break when I could stay inside the classroom. Because looking back, it all seemed a much calmer time compared to now. I want to know why I hadn't appreciated it much more. Maybe because I didn't know then how good I had it. I had it so good. I wasted it. I wasted my time sulking. Maybe I'm doing that same thing now, and will once again look back at my college years and say the exact same thing. I should be doing something. Something grand every single day, whether it's studying, or enjoying my parents' company when they visit, and not worry about the future. Because my future self is bound to do the same. Worry about something that's not even supposed to be worried about. I just want to be stable. I want to be competent. I want to be fulfilled. I want to be joyful in the Lord. But it's just that I can't feel God's presence, it's like, I'm supposed to be a Christian. Where's God? Why can't I feel His presence? God, if you're real, then why can't I feel your presence just like my mom seems to. I want to figure out if you're absolutely 100% real, but it's just that all this university's taught me is that I should be logical. And all logic points to the conclusion that You don't exist. And that life is meaningless. I suppose I want to believe despite all of that. I _DO_ believe, it's just that it's so hard sometimes when I'm not given enough proof. A sign. Or assurance. Because it's just too hard. All these church services do to me are for nothing. They don't strengthen my faith, they don't make me feel like becoming like You, since I know that's one of my life's purposes. I want to glorify You. I thank You for healing me from Dengue. I pray I won't get it again.