#### This is madness Abby. Okay, I'm giving you until 10 to get your ass to bed and sleep and wake up before 5 so you can review or whatever. --- I will start on the right path tomorrow. ---- Omg my mom and dad read my blog post. WHAT. --- What would 15 year old me think of myself now? hmmm. She'd have no idea at all. I mean, who's to say that I'd have any idea of what I'd become when I'm 19. Or when I'm 18 for that matter. --- It's really disconcerting when you think you have free time but then later in the week you regret not spreading out your studying. Maybe I should do that. --- I really need to follow through a rigid schedule. This simply won't do. I've had enough of being a bum in terms of time management. I need to shape up. My psyche, that is. --- What's stopping me? Is it fear? is it laziness? Probably all of that. How can I break out of this cycle? I don't know how. I don't know when. But I really, really badly need to. I need to be excellent again. I don't want to be stuck in a perpetual self-beating cycle. --- I just wish they could invent super accurate and objective intelligence tests so that I'd be relieved to find out where I stand in terms of brains. Although, I have a feeling that if they actually do get to make those kinds of tests, I wouldn't like the results. AT ALL. I believe that intelligence isn't fixed, and that it can be improved to some extent, but there's only so much you can do to improve. Compared to others that have had their head starts. I really wish I wasn't into entertainment that much. It's like when I do begin to study, it pains me. Like my mind gets anxious. I can't really describe the feeling but, whenever I begin to get myself to study deeply, it's like I pull a barely elastic thread that's getting weaker and weaker the more I push myself to study, and it really, really needs to go back and divert my attention to entertainment, because it's PAINFUL to have to force myself to do something unpleasant instead of being cocooned in the blanket of mindless entertainment. I have a feeling that I'll have to forcefully destroy that elastic thread that's holding me by the neck and binding me to entertainment. It's an addiction. And I keep fuelling it. I can't stop fuelling it because it becomes not physically, no, but psychologically painful to attempt to break out of this-- this stranglehold. I can't get out of it if I don't try though. I need to try. I don't want to graduate regretting not being excellent enough. And I know that my motive should be God. Why can't I realise this and actually follow through. All of my past epiphanies don't mean anything if I don't actually do anything about it. i keep having repenting episodes, but I don't seem to change at all. My journal entries don't really differ much to last year's. So I have a feeling that I'll spend the last vestige of my teenage years in this cycle of self-loathing and procrastinate. That is, if I won't do something about it. I have to keep telling myself that inaction is the enemy of success. --- I wonder what score I got in math. I am so nervous. It seemed so easy in comparison to what I've done in the past year's exams. Although, from experience, I know that that can't be a good sign. Not at all. Maybe I've forgotten to do something important, that's why it seemed too easy. I really have to study math again because the next exam's on september 17. And that's only two weeks from now. I have to start tomorrow. Or else, I will answer to God. Come to think of it, in my past, people have always made the point to tell my that I was "smart" or hard-working or something. It was very damaging, I think. Not only did it make me more entitled to receiving awards, it made me think that my mediocre effort deserves respect and honour. I don't know if my memory serves me right, but I think I wasn't really trying in the first place. All those years of lies and deception. Telling a kid that she's smart when she really wasn't. They, being adults, couldn't have thought about the consequences of telling a kid how she's the best, and not even doing anything significant to add the right kind of fuel, like say, tutoring, or mentoring, or whatever academic training, like perhaps, math, or anything computer related. Not music of course, you could learn that in your spare time. Why couldn't they have invested my precious time somewhere else that will actually be useful in the future? Is it negligence? Is it stupidity? Or is it just apathy? Not thinking of the child's future? --- I think there's only 99 days left until I go home again. That's still such a long time but still, it was once 130 days. now it's 99. And I think, it'll come sooner than I can count. I just wish by December, I'll have acquired a bit of competence in computer science. I'm not giving up this time. I know it's a poor excuse, but I never was interested in bio in the first place. Doesn't mean I didn't try. I couldn't handle memorising all these facts that I was bound to forget in a few months anyway. All of that information storage could be put to use somewhere else. --- Put it this way, you have to work really, really hard for your future self too. Aside from God being your ultimate drive, your other lesser motive should be to give your future self a reason to thank your past self. I mean, your past self won't even remember the times you slept really late, or suffered through studying, or the countless times you missed an opportunity to be entertained and having joy for a good 3-4 hours. You wouldn't remember that, would you? Instead you'd remember all the hard work you put in and how that hard work has paid itself off. You will then be grateful. So grateful. For working hard. And then when you're 21 and sitting in your own house or your parents' house maybe, and you're eating that luxurious branded ice cream that you can now afford without feeling any guilt, because of your hard work. PLEASE, PAST SELF, PLEASE. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER. GET OVER NOT BEING ABLE TO ENJOY AT THE MOMENT. GOD PROMISES THAT YOU WILL REAP WHAT YOU SOW. BETTER START SOWING NOW.