I just finished going to the library today. --- It's always raining these days. OH yeah, it's Lloyd's birthday again today. I wrote about his birthday last year in September. How time flies. Wow. I just can't believe that he's going to graduate in two and a half years. He's gonna be so successful. I just know it. I don't have a crush on him now, but if I saw him, all the feelings I had for him before would probably come back. I haven't seen him around UP this sem. I hope I do see him though. --- It's almost October. Wow. I am going to be 18 in a month. I'M GOING TO BE AN ADULT IN LESS THAN A MONTH. AT LEAST ON PAPER ANYWAY. I FEEL MORE IMMATURE THAN I DID WHEN I WAS IN FOURTH YEAR. --- oh yeah, I saw a picture of Ralph and Henrich studying with their accounting classmates. I think I had a slight crush on Henrich for a while, but it wasn't anything like my crush on Ralph. I have no idea why though. It seems like Henrich is a bit better looking than Ralph, and a lot more kind, but I don't know why I had such a huge crush on Ralph. If they only knew… Wow, it seems like I'm not totally over high school, even though I graduated almost two years ago. It was 2014. March 2015 is done. March 2016 is coming. And all the things I'm planning to do these upcoming months seem like a lifetime away. I'm gonna be watching the last installment of The Hunger Games film franchise. Just like I said I would when I was merely in high school, daydreaming about what it'd be like when I'll be in my second year of college and being 17. I had no idea, at all. I wonder what life will be like for me when I'm 19. Two years from now. Maybe it'd stay relatively the same. --- I mean, just looking at the sheer volume of my diary entries on the calendar feature is just…sobering. I don't know if that's the exact word I'm supposed to be using but, it's just that I always want time to go faster and I feel that it's really, really slow as I'm travelling up the stairs or walking/trudging from class to class, but one day I'm gonna be reading this in a month or two or maybe a year from now, and realise that all of these experiences have happened far, far into the past, of which I'm both glad and sad to be moving away from. It's like, I want time to run faster so that I can graduate already and be competent, but I don't know if I actually want to grow up and actually become responsible for myself, and have my own income, and possibly a set of close-knit friends if I'm hoping for the best, and a nice, well-paying job that I love to do. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. I don't know. This is getting depressing. I would really, really like to know what my future self and actual future would be. I just _want_ to know. I find that I really need that sense of security. Maybe I'd go back to Xavier and go to med school just how my parents always wanted me to. Maybe I would. At least I'd be home. Home…I can't wait to go back home, if only for a little while. My parents are coming here with my sister Amber on my birthday. And I'm also dreading the physics exam on Monday. I've reviewed. And it's multiple choice, but I just don't feel confident enough, even though I know all the formulas. --- Why do I keep writing about the future? Younger me never mentioned anything about her future. She never had a care in the world. She was secure. In the sense that she never worried about what was to come. I mean, I was insecure about my looks. But I was never insecure about college. I always assumed that I'd be smart all my life. I didn't anticipate the effect of bad habits. My procrastination needs to stop.