Well, this day turned out all right. Even though I struggled with math a bit. To be honest, I don't even like math. I just want to code. And today, the CR door was fixed! I'm alone in my dorm room right now. I have to make a summary for EL 50. And maybe some points. --- In spite of all those stories of people dying and recalling being in a void of nothingness instead of Heaven, I still believe that there's a God. And that He chose me. Amongst many other Christians. Because I truly am of the opinion that those people never really died completely in the first place. They still had a bit of brain activity no matter how small. Maybe they were somewhere between unconscious and dead. Maybe really close to death. But not death itself. Because nobody can come back from the dead. Aside from Lazarus. I don't know why I had to write this down. We have so many unanswered questions. And I have my doubts sometimes. But it's truly impossible that a God _didn't_ design this universe. There's so many things left unexplained. I don't even understand how higher dimensions work. I don't understand black holes. I don't understand how it's possible for wormholes to exist. I don't understand anything. And God Himself created and allowed all things to be. He has complete control over them. And complete control of time. Yes, time. --- 111 days left of school! --- I want so badly to come home already. And then maybe approx. 100 days from now, I'll be reading this entry just like all the other ones I've read before in 2014, and I'm going to be repeating this cycle for another three more years, until I graduate. I actually want my thesis to be about internet connection and how to improve it. Like I think it's practical, and I think if I work really, really hard, I might have a shot at being the best thesis, if I somehow manage to kick my procrastinating ways to the curb. I want to see the house. I want to eat out with my family. I want to go on joyrides. I want to hear my baby sister laugh. I just want the simple things that used to make me happy. And now, I don't even know. Growing up really sucks. I have no idea what I"m doing 3/4ths of the time. Maybe 80% of the time. I really, really like this period of my life though, for some reason, even with all the problems, because someday, I'm going to look back on all this - my college life - and laugh. Seriously. And probably cry too. Because I'd know how and where God's hand worked on my life - which is in all aspects. Even the lows, which lately have been inundating me with emotional distress. Emotional distress seems to be making itself an unwelcome permanent resident. It's being exacerbated by my anxiety. And my paranoia. I don't really know. Some days, it's easier. But I like to think I'm improving. I'm almost an adult, although I don't think I'll feel like an adult. --- I can't believe I'm pathetically counting down the hundred or so days until home. Really, 3 months and maybe 2 weeks ain't that long. But it feels like it is, though. And once again, by the time I reach December, I'm going to be making the "It went by so fast" remark faster than you can say "2nd semester ugh". I don't actually know if I'm going to be having a midyear term yet. Maybe I can, but I'd really be pissed because I won't have a break. And I'm planning to complete my NSTP units so that I won't have to worry about them. --- I feel really guilty for not really using my planner. And then when I do write stuff on it, I don't follow what I write, so yeah, I suck at following schedules. Because I'm the kind of person who'd rather be entertained than actually do any work. If I was an heiress, I'd probably have no problems right now. Or maybe have fewer problems. I just find it so unfair that all these rich people have so much money that they didn't even earn themselves. They're parasitising on their parents' wealth. If i worked really hard, and somehow "make it", and God forbid, get married, my children would probably end up like them. --- I wonder why I can write tons of journal entries but I can never get myself started on that summary thing in EL 50. Oh, and our report is on Friday on August 28. Why is it still August? Due to past experience, I tend to think that time passes by faster. And now it's going painfully slow right now. I want to get it over with. And I want to go on joyrides. And eat out with my family. And probably earn money. I want to please God, but somehow, I only made Him as my escape when I was at the peak of emotional distress. I'm really sorry God. I know I'm ungrateful and that I only come to you when I feel like I need You. I'm really sorry. I know graduating with honours or becoming rich aren't supposed to be my sole goals in life. I am chosen to glorify and magnify your name. And live as how Jesus did. And I'm sorry, but I'm having a really tough time. Even though my problems don't really seem difficult to some. Please help me grow and mature. So I'll glorify You, and make my parents happy. And make everyone see You in my life. I'm supposed to be excellent. Because you deserve only the best. But it's so hard to fight off procrastination when I'm naturally predisposed to like being entertained by mindless worldly things. I'm sorry.