Lord, I'm deeply sorry for what I've done for the past years of my life. I did everything for my own gain, and I'm trying to repent of everything that I've done. I've been complaining about my suffering all this time wondering how could I deserve this pain that I can't bear. But according to what I've read today, you're not supposed to offer us comfort but you give us strength to power through the pain. I am asking you for strength to conquer my stay here in UP. I wish to become more like Christ and glorify you even further but what you want me to do might be in conflict with what I want for myself. I really, really miss CDO. I miss my dad, and my mom, and my sister Am-Am. I miss Nanay and Manang Lydia. I miss the comfort of the house. I miss the food. I miss the bathroom. I miss the Sunday afternoons where we'd go out to eat and I'd do nothing in the afternoon. I desire comfort and security, but the Christian life that you want me to live doesn't allow me to because what I've read today says that it all is temporary and is an illusion. If that is the truth, then what am I going to do here in UP? I know I should strive for the highest of grades and not being lazy to glorify you. But I can't even do it. I can't. I'm not capable of anything except what you will me to do. Please help me overcome this semester and eventual years of my stay in UP. I haven't even started classes and I'm already very stressed about what's going to happen tomorrow. Indeed God, you're the only one I should put my faith into. I'm sorry for not realising this sooner. I also pray for high grades, specifically 1.0s in every course that I'll be taking. I do not know how, but I know that you'll provide me with strength because now, I know that I'm only primarily going to do this for You, and you deserve only the best grades possibly achieved by my limited intelligence. I also pray that my motives will be slowly corrected and that I won't treat everything as a chore. God, please help me. I have a very avoidant personality. I'm supposed to channel Jesus into my life so they see Him, and I don't know why but I'm ashamed to be polite and inviting. I don't know why I'm like this. I try to think that I've always been like this. My brain is the problem. I don't know what your purpose is for creating me this way, but I hope you have a good reason to do so for your will. It seems like I'll never be happy with this kind of personality, but I know that that's not my ultimate goal. Maybe I'm meant to do great things for your Name. I'm bawling my eyes out and I feel like I'm suffering all this week. I can't stop crying. This probably is the most I've cried in my life. I can't stop the tears. My heart hurts. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But it just hurts. I don't have objective pain, but I can feel it in my heart. My soul. It aches. Help me welcome this because I know it wakes me up. It sobers me. It keeps me on the right track to your glory. If I had a painless life, I think I wouldn't have any need for a God, but pain makes me realise how insignificant I am, and how You love me, despite of that. Please Lord, help me to become more grateful for my present suffering. --- I went to church today with my sister and ate Eunice, and I was crying for most of the sermon and songs. After that, we went to different places in UP where my sister would have her classes. It was tiring, but my sister needed the help I guess. She ordered McDo and is now probably done eating. I've been doing my Bible Reading and praying and preparing my accountability book.