Today was horrible. I mean really. They say that if it won't matter in 5 years, I shouldn't be worrying about it. But what if in five years, at best, I could be laughing about it, or at worst, maybe cringe at the memory. You see, I broke the CR door. I was stupid enough to close it all the way even though I've been living here for almost two weeks. And the faucet was running. I panicked and got to the ground floor as quickly as I could, but there was no one there in the admin office, so i hurried back to my dorm to find my roommate looking panicky too. I was so guilty. I mean, I'm not as bothered by the breaking the door thing as much as annoying my roommates. It's my fault. All my fault. Or maybe 80 percent my fault, because the knob hadn't been working properly. It couldn't be unlocked if you were outside. It was perpetually locked, the doorknob. Ugh. Now I have to pay maybe a lot for the door and the labor. And I don't think it can be repaired right away. --- I've been in Manila for 20 days now. There are only 114 days left of school. I'm on week 3 of 18. So it's almost 1/6. I'm 1/6 over with the school year. I just need to get through another 5/6 of the whole semester. Hmm, 1/6 times 5. Somehow, I can't really equate each portion as the same, because I really haven't done anything _that_ stressful this past week and the week before that. And it's going to be September soon. Hmm, I have 8 days to prepare for the presentation in EL 50. And I haven't really started preparing aside from downloading the book. --- Wow I hadn't realised that I'd have to report three times with my group mates this semester. If anything, I hope it'll improve how I present myself in a public audience. I hope I don't mess it up. And, I really think I wouldn't be able to get much unos this time. I have the exact same problem last year: procrastination. It's going to be 2016 next year and nothing will have changed. I really want to change. It's just that, I have no willpower. Not motivation, because it's simply unreliable. --- Funny how two days ago I wouldn't have thought in a million years that I'd break a door. I mean, it made me realise how nothing is predictable and that just maybe, I can be in a freak accident, or my family members. I could die tomorrow, and I'd never know, of course. I know it's not really a huge life-changing realisation to maybe anyone, but today was just-- I don't know. It's just so surreal. I'm glad it was just a door and that nobody got hurt. Of course I'd have worse days than that. I know from this Christian book I've read that security basically doesn't exist, it's a construct. God did not mean for us to lead happy, blissful lives. Maybe I'd break a bone, or lose something important, or maybe fail a test, and I might even get depressed again, or maybe contemplate suicide, (GOD FORBID), but you know, I'm a sinner. I don't know what to do, or how to live my life, or keep it together, or even be emotionally stable without God's help. If I were 12 years old and sent here to UP, for instance, I'd maybe end my life if I broke a door because of my stupidity. But here I am, 17, almost 18, and I sort of feel bad about it not because I broke a door, but because my parents have to pay for it, and my roommates will be inconvenienced. I sure do hope that they don't hate me for it. It seems like they don't. As a human and an immature Christian, I sometimes doubt that there's a God at all. I know I shouldn't, but I hope God understands that I'm the type of person who doesn't like hardships and then not getting any clear answers on to how to fix them or to improve them. I know God exists, I just-- somehow want to know 100%. I guess that's what faith is for. I think God is building up my faith. Because he's started His work on my life, He's bound to finish it, and I'm just along for the ride, wherever He takes me. --- Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things? Well, I sure hope that, by the end of the year, I can say "No" with the assurance that God will have made me stronger and better emotionally, and spiritually. Never mind physically, as I'd come to learn that I no longer need to worry about it to such an excessive level. I just need to keep myself presentable and my lather on sunscreen so that my skin won't be ruined by cancer or become wrinkly too early. I guess that's still vain, but I think God would want me to be a steward of what He's given me, especially my largest organ. I hope with God's help that I'd become more competent. I'm coming to terms with the fact that God will never make me successful if that's all I care about. That means that I won't be publishing or self-publishing those putrid book(s) that I've started on with clickbait themes. I intend to publish a book that has Christian themes, or the kind of books which will affect young or old Christians so that they'd be more ready for eternity. God knows I'm far from done, in fact, maybe I'm still miles away from the proverbial iceberg whose surface I'm supposed to be scratching by now, since I'm verging on becoming an adult. I also have to come to terms with the fact that life will never be problem-free, no matter how hard I try to avoid them. I don't mean to say that I should live recklessly, but if they do happen to me, I'm just going to have to accept them meekly because God might have a good reason to let them happen to me. And it turns out that He did. I've learned way more in one night in my dorm room than in the church service at Destiny. I'm not supposed to hate on other Christian groups and that's their business with God, not mine, but I still want to intercede for them, and that they shouldn't sugarcoat Christianity. As if earthly success and happiness and contentment will bring you closer to God. Sure, it's an intuitive notion that if God blesses you richly and gives you no problems, then you'd worship Him and love Him alone without condition. But I think it's the opposite. When you're so broken and helpless or in the very least, aren't sure of your life decisions and how to mitigate your worries without God, then you become dependent on Him even more. I think we shouldn't ask God for riches, even though we really want to live the luxurious life. Even I have a hard time comprehending that and applying it to my own life. I mean, who doesn't want to be fabulously wealthy? Even God said somewhere in the Bible that it's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to inherit the kingdom of God. Of course He didn't mean it literally, but the analogy still holds true somewhat. I think wealthy people can still go to Heaven, if they were chosen by God. I hope God helps me deal with the admin tomorrow. I'm just sad because my parents have to pay for it. God, please provide for whatever amount I might need to shell out for the door. Maybe this is God's way of showing me how to be thriftier. Because I can't manage my money, or time. It's been an eye-opener for sure. I just hope this will last. It's all part of God's chastening. I just have to trust Him, because He knows everything and everyone's thoughts. God, please persuade the manong to repair it as soon as possible. If I have to go to SM and order a door, I would. But then again, it's all in God's hands. I could keep writing in here for as long as I'd like, but I have to sleep early. With all this stuff that's been happening today, my excitement to watch Inside Out has been diluted to maybe 20%. God, I really need your help, strengthen me and comfort me, if you allow it. I'm not asking to stop the fresh wound from hurting, I'm asking to be strong enough to endure the rawest pain. I hope I learn something from that movie that would relate to You. Because I've learned that a Christian can also partake in pleasure in this world to glorify You, as long as we become mindful about what kind of fun we have. --- This incident today has motivated me somewhat. Although I feel like it's not a right motive. Now I feel like I owe my parents. I do owe them, in fact. I just had to have this happen to me so that I'd realise it again because I keep on forgetting. If my numero uno motive should be to please God with high grades and a good performance, thereby reflecting His Standards and Awesome Glory, then my second motive should be to give back to my parents. I can't repay their sacrifices with money, as I don't have a job. It's not even supposed to be a transaction of debt and payment. It's supposed to be done and expected of me because of the assumption that I love them and I love God. If I genuinely had this in my heart all the time, maybe it would be easier to trudge through the nights where I'd rather just read and watch movies or listen to music. Tomorrow, I'm going all out. I'm done with my past. God help me. --- They say habits don't permanently etch themselves into your daily life until the 21-day mark. If so, I should just keep at it, right? --- I keep reminding myself that every problem God presents me with, it's supposed to be an opportunity to grow, because if I don't experience these things now, then when? I'm bound to grow up and have more harrowing problems. I guess it's never too early. I'm just happy that God hasn't forsaken me yet. I mean the thought of being chosen and then believing because He chose me personally, that's-- WOW. Out of the millions of professing Christians and non-Christians, and I don't mean to be high-and-mighty, He chose me to be one of His children. Even before the universe. Whenever that was. I can finally see how this path of mine leads straight to Him, and if that means I have to go through hardships to experience His glory, well, all these hardships don't hold a light to His everlasting faithfulness. I'm going to strive to become more like Jesus, and try to glorify Him as best as I can. Of course, it's not up to me and my abilities to please Him, but His mercies and guidance and loving arms are glorified through my weaknesses and shortcomings. All of those lessons because of a broken door. Well, maybe a broken door leads to a better one. --- I've just read and reread my older journal entries, and by older, I mean hours or minutes ago older, and I found that I actually do write decently when I have a good purpose for doing it. I mean, not everyone could write like I do, and this is not to brag, but I think that somehow God has given me this gift to use for His glory. To study theology and make stories which illustrate Him. Or have God as the central theme, and how nobody can escape Him, no matter how hard they try. Because God is everywhere. He's in the fabric of our universe, and He can overturn it or twist it or even cut it in whatever shape He pleases. We are just spectators of His glory. I know I won't earn much from it, but I'm even considering releasing it as a free ebook first. So that more people can know about my writing about God. --- This journal is full of blank electronic pages that would become filled as the year progresses. I just can't fathom how every single day, something happens that may or may not be good to me subjectively. Everything that happens to me has a purpose, according to God, because I'm chosen by Him. I just wonder what kind of journal entries I'd write after this one. I hope it'll be none of those "I should be studying but I don't feel like it" kinds of entries. Something has changed. I can feel it bubbling up within the trenches of my psyche. --- And you know what, every single thing that will ever happen to me has been written in His books. Who knows? yes. Who knows? Everything that I feel or experience or encounter will have an effect on me. It's up to me and my decisions on how to handle them. I should uphold God as my first priority. So that I'd be straight on His path to His glory. --- Wow so much can happen in 5 years. --- I don't understand how I could feel 'unusually excited' when I was coming back for school in January 2014 for the 2nd semester. I mean, I had a shorter break, and I was younger then, but why do I feel like I reverted to how my freshman self was feeling when she went to UP the first time? Seriously, my entries from August 2014 closely resemble how I felt during the first week of August 2015. Will it feel like this next year in August 2016? Wow. I'll be turning 19 next year. And i'll be 20 in 2017. Then I'll be 21 when I graduate, but I have a hunch, that nothing will change. But I could be so wrong. --- Okay, so I've done exactly none of the things I'd set out to do in my Accountability book today.