It's pretty funny how I thought I was stronger than this. I'm not. I'm bawling my eyes out for no reason. I mean a lot actually. It's just all too much for me to bear. I just realised that I'll be going through four more years of this hell. --- I am a crybaby. I've been crying non-stop since morning. I don't want to believe that 2015 will be my most miserable year, but really, even with a summer break, I'm back to zero again. It's like it's my first time to go back to Manila without my parents. I thought I'd gotten used to the loneliness already. I didn't think it'd be much worse this year. Is it going to be like this for the rest of my four year stay here? These four years will kill me inside. --- And I still can't stop crying. I can't. The tears don't heed to my commands of staying stoic and unfeeling. I can't. I'm a small child again. I guess, I never really grew up. Why am I suffering so much? I've prayed again and again, and I just can't stop feeling sad for myself. I now know I love my parents because I feel really torn without seeing them. It's like I'd rather be stabbed and see my parents rather than staying here for another 4 gruelling months. Why can't I go back to CDO? Why can't UP be in CDO? Or why isn't my family based here? I really miss Am-am and even the nights when she'd cry. --- Oh, I forgot to mention that I got into a boarding house that's a tad nicer than my former dorm. It's small, and the CR doesn't have showers, but at least I have somewhere to stay for these 4 months. I'm just really, really sad today. Nothing else is on my mind other than homesickness and anxiety. My cousin Eunice, Ally, and I went to Katip today in National Bookstore and this restaurant near Barkin' Blends. It was raining super hard too. --- I have to concentrate on my studies, but how am I supposed to that when I'm an emotional wreck? --- Okay, now my mom's talking about butterflies and how they evolved from the painful cocoon process, but I'm starting to think that I'm an exception to that. Maybe I'm meant to suffer till I die. I actually want to die because maybe then all of my problems would be solved by forfeit. No wait, I don't want to die. Maybe if I went to school in CDO, I wouldn't be feeling like this, and I'd have a better chance of doing well in academics. As far as I've experienced, UP education is overrated. Everyone's slapping themselves on their backs because they think they're superior. But really, when it comes down to the individual student, it's a different story. ---- Wow. I feel so much better now. I've rewatched Sherlock and other movies on my computer, but I think it was God who gave me peace. I don't even feel the urge to break out in tears every few seconds. I even took a bath.