This has got to be the weirdest day of the year. Possibly. I attended a dinner party at my cousin's house, and it ended up in the most unexpected way I could never imagine. For one, I started to actually talk to my cousin, the second eldest, and ended up confiding in him about my social anxiety and introvertedness. And there were some cousins from the US which I laughed and talked with. If someone who knew me all my life and was an observer tonight, he or she would've thought I had gone 180 degrees. I was even taking turns playing with Bomber playing Piano Tiles and laughing with Nikki and Armi. I just…don't know how that all happened. I thought I was going to be another shut-in in my mind. I was already sitting at the farthest table from the crowd. And my cousin encouraged me to actually get out of my shell. It was the first time I actually even had a conversation with him. It was unbelievable. And also, reflecting on all that, I forgot to mention something I felt. A kind of high, I think. A different kind of elation. I didn't know I could experience satisfaction from laughing and socialising with others. Quite frankly, with my history of thinking otherwise, it was weird. Very weird. I still don't know if I've overcome being an introvert, but I really felt myself talking like how I feel like I should talk. Like somewhat eloquently. And less stuttering. I was speaking what I truly felt. I don't know if that's a win. I hope it continues, though. I need more positive reinforcement. --- Also, I don't know if I've written about this but I got accepted into computer science. I'm quite happy about it. Although I don't sound like it. Maybe I'm just relieved. Come to think of it, what WOULD make me happy? Also, I saw Paul today at KFC SM. I didn't say anything, and neither did he. And should I mention that I still think about Ralph from time to time? Is that supposed to mean something? I hope it doesn't. I'm just sick of thinking about him for the longest time now. I just want someone to come along and permanently remove him from my thoughts. But I can't. It's impossible. Unless, he does something unforgivable. I remember once in school, I was sitting with him and Mia in the library at OCGS. I was reading from a math book about geometry because I was studying for the UPCAT. Although I never made it past two pages, I think. Looking back, I think that's when I had developed an inkling of feelings for him. I could figuratively feel his eyes on me. I don't know though, if it was just me. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. I wouldn't know for sure. Anyway, I decided to get up to get a pen because I'd forgotten to bring a freaking pen inside the library. I should mention that not much conversation was going on between any of us. Just musing about things, like I remember how Mia was talking about Aaron Uy's future physical therapist job and she said with giggles how she would like to get a massage from him. I wonder how Ralph felt about it. I got up and went out the library to get my pen, and then when I came back inside, he and Mia were talking about something I couldn't hear. Mia was smiling, and Ralph, well, I couldn't see his face yet. But he was holding my math book open, presumably because I didn't put a bookmark or remember the page I opened because it was the kind of book that would close itself if it wasn't held open like what he was doing. Now, i didn't think too much of what his intentions were. He was holding it open for me. Three reasons why he could do so were: he cared about me, he was told by Mia to hold it open, or he just really is polite. But one thing though, Mia was smiling weirdly at him, I remember clearly. And she was saying something to him and she abruptly stopped when I came back to the table. Is it weird of me then to think that he at least likes me even a little? Sometimes, i just really want to ask him. Another time, I was answering my English reading comprehension set, (I forgot the name), in the library together with who I remember were as follows, Kenneth, Zheny, and Ralph. I was getting SOO into my homework and furiously writing when for some reason, the guys were talking about porn. And I remember how my ears instantly perked up because I was really curious. Anyway, Ralph ended up saying that he didn't watch porn, but only did so when he "needed to," which I presume is when he's horny. Ralph being horny, huh. I can't even begin to imagine. He said all of that with hesitation and the kind of smirking tone that you would use to disclose that kind of information. And again I could have sworn he was looking at me while he was hesitating to say it. I don't know if it was really me he was looking at, but I think I was the only person on that corner of the table. And then you know, everyone was done copying off of each other and I was left there in the library doing overtime. Except that I wasn't alone, yet. Ralph was the last person to go, for some inexplicable reason. He asked me if I was fine if I were to stay in the library by myself. I said yes, of course. I'm in my natural habitat. I didn't actually say it was my natural habitat. And then he went. And then Kate and Alizeiah mysteriously come in and talk me into going to the canteen. I said no of course, that this was my 'destiny' or whatever, (staying in the library). Ralph was walking toward where the three of us were. I don't know what prompted him to come back inside. Maybe it was Kate. I wouldn't know. But it would most probably be that. You know, I should stop overthinking about this already. I only wrote all of this for writing practice. That's a half truth. I just really need to let him out of my system. My mind. He probably doesn't even think about me at all. I mean, who would? I could write about a thousand memories of Ralph in here, like when it was prom practice season and I was elated because of the fact that the eighth person to be my pair for the square dance was him. I think he was my partner twice. I of course know what it's like to touch his shoulder and being held by him on the waist. I remember it quite clearly. His hand. On my waist. It was wonderful. I felt his shoulder muscles. Although I remember he kept looking down at his feet. I was just savouring it, you know? Getting to touch him on the shoulder, because without prom, I wouldn't have any good reason to do that. I also remember him touching my forehead to feel if it's warm or something like that. To put into context, it was prom season too in third year, i think. Ma'am Ging made us recite the third year promises or whatever with the fourth years. It just so happened that my partner in reciting was Angel Phonzo Tan, my crush at that time. I remember feeling really, really hot in the face. I think I turned beet red. And I was standing there in the corner of the aisle the students formed and Ralph was there beside me. He then proceeds to put the back of his hand on my forehead. I think he knew I was nervous. I already mentioned the late at night two of us alone in the waiting area at school story in this journal somewhere, which I've replayed in my head a thousand times. I also remember crying in the classroom once because of a low grade in accounting. He comes in the classroom and just faces back me but i knew somehow he was listening. I don't know if it was him who told the other students in the other classroom that I was crying. But it seems like it's plausible because then everyone in the other classroom knew I'd been crying. Also, I remember term paper season in my fourth year, and I tasked JM to distribute the surveys because he'd contributed jackshit. I saw out of the corner of my eye, how Ralph got inside of the classroom and JM handing him one of my surveys. Of course, it was a beauty related survey. I was curious, as I'd said before in another entry many moons ago. He rated himself a 6. And he's attracted to hair and eyes. And how he "doesn't need" to change his appearance through surgery with a ":D" at the end. Then he gave the paper to me, saying "Abb…". Then I thanked him and asked where JM was, and he said in the softest voice possible, "I don't know." I don't know but there's just something about how he said it. Something really charming and gently and quiet. I feel like i'm romanticising everything he does. Maybe I am. Or maybe he hadn't said anything since and his throat was dry. Then just when I thought that he'd already left the classroom after answering my survey, he comes back in and observes me, or four others, conversing. I was with Alizeiah, Paul, Gerry, and another person I don't remember. I think it was Harrison. And then, and then, I'd ask myself, why would he come back and stare at us talk? I remember him sitting across us, not saying anything, just sitting there. I could see him out of the corner of my eye. I know for sure that all of these accounts could amount to smoke. I knew they don't prove anything that would affirm his feelings for me. But something he did on August 1, 2014 made it all harder to disprove. Mia had posted a picture of me and her on Facebook. And Ralph liked it. For some reason that's still haunting me to this day. I could never know what his true motives were. I wouldn't be this suspicious if it weren't for the fact that he doesn't really like any of Mia's pictures. And then out of the blue, he just likes one with me in it. Like what am i supposed to think about that? I know there's some kind of message he's sending. Or maybe he thought i was kind of attractive in the photo. Or maybe he's glad that I'm leaving for Manila to go to Uni. Because Mia's caption said something along those lines. I really can't get him out of my head. Maybe it's some kind of regret I'm feeling. That's why it's so hard to let go. Maybe it's the regret instead that I'm feeling right now, and not the crush itself. Maybe lesser of it. I was never friends with him because I was a stupid coward. I mean, I could have totally talked to him and we'd surely become friends just like how I'm on talking terms with Brent or Kenneth. But I let awkwardness get the best of me. WHY. I couldn't detach myself from my feelings for him and form coherent friendly sentences. Instead I might've sent him a wrong message by blocking him out of my friends list whom i talk to. I feel really really bad about it. Maybe he thought i hated him. Or if he was smart, he would've figured out why. Because I'm the exact type of person to avoid any distractions, like crushes. Maybe by avoiding him, I'd avoid falling in love. If he was aware that I didn't believe in relationships, he would've guessed that I had the biggest crush on him, because I wouldn't go to great lengths to avoid him as he was my biggest distraction, right? I knew he was smart. I felt it. I knew that he knew. I feel stupid. I hope he forgets me. But I still can't find any solution to this. It's like I lost something. --- Ok so I just realised that i'm more than halfway done with 2015. I'm turning 18 this year. Weird. Oddly enough, I just really want to see Ralph before I go back to Manila. But the odds of that are astronomical. I don't know what he looks like anymore. One year has passed. Of course I see pictures of him. But I don't know what he's like anymore in real life because all I have are memories. And they're quite lacking. I just want to finish two novels. I'm working on the plot but you know, it's as easy as being Einstein. HEH. --- I noticed there was bit of a gap in the journal entry dates, like nothing from 2012-2013. It's because I haven't manually encoded them from my paper journals. It's a very long process. I just want them here and safe. --- Why am i still thinking about an old crush??? UGH. --- I'm feeling quite pumped up to do something great while also having no energy to do anything. WHAT EVEN IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS LIFE? --- Late 3AM thoughts. I wonder what I'd be like in 2019. When I'd graduate. Would I even have the same laptop? Would my books become bestsellers, by then? I hope they do. Would I be the same person? Would I look at myself like how I look at my 2009 self. 2009-2019. Ten years. And in this little time frame, so many things could happen, who knows what they are. I mean, it's four years until 2019. Already done with the 6. And I think i'd experienced a lot of change. But I bet the change between ages 17 and 21 would be much more significant and meaningful than the changes that occurred when I was 11-16. I wonder what the house would look like? I wouldn't know what it'd look like in december 2015, 5 months from now. I wonder what my grades would be like after the first semester of computer science. Theoretically it should be high if I try hard enough. I wonder if someone will ever take an interest in me romantically. Right, like that could ever happen. I wonder if someone will ever make an effort to win me over. And maybe give me stuff or attention. I know it's selfish but I could use some good ol' ego-boosting. I wonder how I'll write my sentences when I'm 21. Would I still have the same writing personality? Maybe I'd have ingested dozens of self-help and fiction books to the point where I wouldn't recognise my own writing voice if i wasn't told it was mine. I wonder if Sherlock would still be running seasons. I don't want it to end. I wonder what I'll feel when I watch the Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 movie. I wonder who Ralph would get as a girlfriend when he's 21. Or 20. Or next year. Or next week. I wonder if I'd still be kiss-less. Nah. I'm positive I would never let anyone kiss me. I wonder if someone in our fourth year high school batch would get pregnant early. I would then pretend to be shocked. I wonder if someone I love would die. I hope not. I hope my parents get what they have always dreamt of. I hope I become more like Christ. Even though it doesn't seem to be looking bright right now. I just…hope. --- I wonder how thick this journal would be if it were bound into a real hardcover book. --- Ok so my mom apologised after saying all those nasty things like how she preferred Keziah over me. --- I mean my mom says nasty shit when she's angry and I try to forgive her but doesn't that mean she's telling what she really feels when her self-control isn't working at the moment because it'd been replaced by blind rage? --- How many journal entries could I write before i get sleepy? --- I fantasise about having sex a lot. There, I said it. I'm a teenager and a human being so i'm not exempted from having those kinds of thoughts.