#### And it's officially June 1. It's nothing significant really, but I already permanently checked out of Kalay earlier this afternoon and I'm here relaxing in an air-conditioned room at Doctor's Inn near SM North. Woah I sound so formal. I don't know why, but I can't seem to get myself into my old hobbies, like watching sci-fi movies or reading books. I mean, I don't get interested in them after a few minutes. I hate it. And yet I'm restless to do something. But whenever I try to actually do something like a hobby, I don't feel like doing it. That's why I ended up masturbating in this room. And I came. Twice. I know it's not becoming to say that as a 17 year old girl Christian girl. I try to rationalise this behaviour by pointing out that since I'm not getting married, I have to take care of my needs myself. i feel bad about watching porn though. I have to quit. I don't know why but it's really the only thing that I could get myself to do today. I feel very barbaric. And uncivilised. Giving in to my instinctive primal urges instead of using my head. I mean, I could be learning a programming language right now but all I could do was jill off. I can't believe I've become like this. Everyone's up to something these days, and I mean, my high school friends are probably having nice vacations and eating really good food, (not junk food or fast food). I really hate the fact that i'm still not completely over high school. I mean, I shouldn't care about them anymore since high school wasn't very nice to me. And yet, I still wish to be acknowledged by them or something. Maybe it's the UP thing getting to my head. I mean, only 2 people from our batch went to UP, most of them are from XU. And I feel the need to make them know that they're inferior to me in any way possible. I know this isn't good. But in high school, I was made to feel like shit every other day in fact. Revenge could be my motive. I can't wait till the day I become wildly successful and filthy rich and famous and respected. And they'll claim to be close friends with me. HA. HA. HA. And I'll act like I don't know who they are. This isn't addressed to a certain person btw. Just generally. Because I feel like they've pitied me since high school. Like they probably think I didn't deserve the valedictorian award. Or how I just barely made the cut for accounting. And how I'm going to end up sad and alone forever. Funny thing is, I probably wouldn't be this way if I were attractive like Chloe or Kate with all the boys' attention on me and getting my ego stroked and my self-worth validated constantly. I can't help but think if I had their looks and Kim Tee's brain, I would rule the world. The main reason why I've publicly and proudly announced that I'm never going to get married is that I know that nobody will ever want to get married to me. Aside from my mediocre physical assets, I wouldn't be the ideal submissive wife who can cook and fuck and clean. And I'm competitive as hell. And very very jealous. And don't forget insecure. All I'm saying is, I'm a mess, and I would rather not bring someone in my life who would have to deal with all of my problems and shortcomings. They'd end up as miserable as me.