I sat behind Renzo Chua today in chem. His hair looked so soft I wanted to run my hands through it. I mean, he kind of made me want to do it all the more because he was touching his hair from the back and it was exactly how I imagined my hand running through it. That didn't make sense. I just really want to touch him for some reason. --- #### 23 days. And again, I've been feeling a ton of confusing emotions from bored, guilty, stressed, sleepy isn't an emotion but it's making me really tired and drowsy and makes me want to give up on life and my grades. And on top of that, I don't feel any support from anyone at all, not even my parents. Nobody is looking out for my mental health. I have a feeling my parents don't give a shit about if I'm going to be happy in what I do in life, because certainly they don't believe earthly happiness is one of the goals of being a Christian. I know it shouldn't be the top priority. But it's just so hard to get up each morning knowing that you can't have anything to assure you that you are a valued person. I am so miserable right now. This is probably the lowest stage of my life. I feel like utter shit. I'm behind all of my peers in terms of knowledge, social skills, and looks. What's worse is that my parents are completely fine with me being a loser in the world because all that matters is Christ. Like sure that's true, but that's the ideal. I can't just turn off my emotions just like that so I won't feel the need to be on top. Everything I've been feeling right now probably stems from the fact that I feel like a loser, which is very different than what I had in mind when I was in high school. I fucking grew up thinking that if I was smarter than anyone else then I would be cool and respected and happy and rich and everything gets handed to me. And then for a while I really thought I could just get everything I want because I deserved it and worked so hard for my success in school. But guess what, college came and in fact, I was a nobody. Compared to these fucking rich conyos with their boyfriends as inspiration and cars and higher grades than me. And did I mention smart? And I don't even know if it's just jealousy. who am i kidding. It is jealousy. I don't understand why in high school people would sometimes tell me I'm pretty but no guy has explicitly expressed interest. And then there's these conyo girls who aren't even that pretty and they get every guy. I'm not saying I want a relationship. I am honestly just saying that it would be such a huge boost in my self-esteem if a guy could express interest in me for once. And try to pursue me. But I guess I'm not even attractive enough or worth the trouble. Because the truth is, I'm boring-ass, annoying as fuck, stupid, backwards, uncool, and probably really ugly. A few days ago I told my mom about this more expensive dorm which has a solo room that I could stay in if I somehow earned 3000 dollars. Well, instead of encouraging me to pursue and become productive enough to earn my own money, she says I'm 'destructed' by the whole thing. I don't have enough words to describe how I was disappointed at how she didn't want me to earn my way up. Like she wanted me to suffer all throughout my college life. I have told them repeatedly that I don't do well when there's people and all this useless-as-shit activities in the dorm and about how my roommate is a fucking know-it-all bitch who's rubbing it in my face that she's got higher grades than me. I just really want to be alone in my own room. And I said I was going to pay for all of that by myself if I ever had the money. Why can't I pursue things that I want in life? Oh yes, because I have to obey them all the time and let them dictate what I want to do. Like I know how the Bible says that I should obey them but I just can't help but feel why I have to do so considering how i was just a product of them having unprotected sex and don't really owe them anything at all. I'm their responsibility and they have to provide everything I need as they are capable of because they have to deal with the fucking consequences of sex. That's why I'm never having kids or getting married. I really really really want to be rich. Just so I could rub it in my former classmates who think I'm stupid and undeserving, for those people who doubted my capabilities, for the fucking look on my roommates face when she finds out that I'm summa cum laude (a long shot but who knows?), the fact that doctors never make much and she's reportedly going to become one. And to rub my success in other people's faces without actually having to do that myself.