#### here i am, alone in my dorm room at last. My roommate just left earlier. All these months I've been waiting for this golden week. The week where i don't do any homework, and I could watch all the movies I wanted to watch, and listen to all the songs I've bookmarked, and generally just relax. I have been doing that. Maybe too much actually. But something isn't right. I mean, I've still got dreams to work on, and I feel particularly guilty about not doing the computer science work I'm supposed to be doing as stated in that letter of intent. I feel like I made myself sound so much hardworking than I actually am. Now I just want to eat. particularly donuts. JCO donuts. Blueberry, Alcapone, and green tea donuts. And other flavours if my wallet could handle more. I just wish I was happy right now. Because I'm not. I feel droll. DROLL. Maybe it's the depression. Maybe I really do have depression. I'm not denying that i don't have it. It's just that, it would be nice if I didn't have it? I feel like everything that has happened in my life has set me up for depression. I'm 17 years old. And I'm depressed. It sucks. I don't feel suicidal. I just feel empty. Devoid of anything that used to make me motivated. I used to be excited about reading books. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED. No matter what book I read or what movie I watch, I just can't seem to get into it enough to finish it. I can't. All I've been doing for the most part of the day is watch questionable videos and gifs. And that's because being horny is one of those urges where I can still feel anything. I feel like a brute. I'm not supposed to give in to all these urges. I'm supposed to be better than that. I'm supposed to be disciplined and Godly. I don't know what to do. I wish I was genuinely asexual. I mean, all day, my thoughts wander off to this guy in my Kas 1 class. I'm not even 100% sure if he's straight. But he's attractive. And sometimes that's the only thing that qualifies guys to end up in my fantasies. He's also smart apparently. Now, I can't wait for my grades. I'm just waiting for my profs to submit them on CRS so i could finally submit my second semester grades to the engineering building. I've noticed that my writing has taken a nosedive. I don't even have the energy to write meaningfully and deeply anymore. I'm just describing how i feel in the simplest and fastest way possible so that I could have a record of what it was like when I was in my first year of college. On recent dreams, I had a really weird one last week or a few days ago, and it was me walking towards an awarding event or something related to school, and somehow the people from UP and the people from OCGS got mixed up, and we were forming queues and it was all very formal. The place was really nice and I began to walk in a spiral from the first floor to the next above it because the building was designed in such a way that you could do that for some reason. And i kept going until people were following me up. And then somehow I reached the roof, and nobody was there, and I remember feeling like I led everyone to the wrong floor and then I don't remember anything else. --- Dealing with insecurities stemming from the unavoidable reality that I'm currently struggling to face: I am not THAT smart. Sure, I can be smart at times and get a high score every now and then if I'm fortunate enough to have studied the right things but still, in UP, I cannot be considered as one of "them" as in, the uber-smart university scholars who seemingly rack up unos effortlessly. For some reason, that seriously hurts my fragile little ego. I know I'm smart enough to get more than the required grade to pass but unfortunately not smart enough to reach US/CS status. It is entirely possible for me to achieve the same, just that it would require me to give up sleep completely, and probably my sanity (as if I ever was sane). I'm quick to lay blame on all the factors I've thought of throughout all these months of constantly feeling inferior and inadequate and almost bursting from the pressure of attempting to live up to my impossibly unattainable standards. Here are some of them: Not really anyone's fault. Although younger me would have liked to place the blame on my parents. The genetic aspect of my inherent intelligence was determined by random genes fusing together in which I had no say in, and I thought that was unfair. Secondly, I thought that all of my initial potential intelligence was wasted because I wasn't really exposed to science-y books and the fact that I didn't know what a science high school was until I was already well into high school. By then, it was too late. On top of that, I wasn't really curious about anything. As you can see, my brain was already stunted before it had a chance to realise what it was missing. I try not to be negative about these things because so many factors could have had a part but when I look at my grades, eh. All these negative thoughts tell me that I'm right about how I'm lacking in brains. This isn't today's entry btw, it's from a note i have a long time ago when I was so jealous of Andrea Estuart's note on Facebook that I decided to write down my problems in a very sophisticated manner that could make people love me too on Facebook. Alas, I didn't' get to post this because 1. I would never post any of my deep-set insecurities in public, and 2. I am not as pretty as Andrea Estuart.