I just realised I had the wrong answers to both questions in math today. And I mean, the questions that were worth 6 and 5 points each. that means 11. That means I probably got 29 or worse. FUCK. There is no way I'll get a high grade now. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FCK. WHY. I should have studied but I actually made some pretty petty mistakes. Like I forgot all the rules. I just hope I'll do better in the final. --- #### WHY AM I SO DELUSIONAL??? --- Why am i getting so worked up over one possibly bad grade in math? I mean i know i did horribly but it's just one exam. And yet it's 5AM and I haven't really studied Kas or chem lab and chem lec. I need to study. RIGHT NOW. ONLY, i'm so jaded and numb that i don't even care anymore. I just want to get out of here and work on the most important things in life first. Like my mental health, my relationship with God, my parents, sisters, and probably my study habits. Who'd ever think that a valedictorian could suffer from procrastination and bad grades? Like, what the hell, life? Why couldn't I be more consistent? I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I'm planning to take modafinil in a few minutes. I only got like 3 hours of sleep because i drank coffee. I'm just so angry. At myself primarily. And sad. And numb, but mostly sad. I think I do have to accept that I have depression. It's not that I'm suicidal, but it would be totally okay if I get killed in a freak accident. I don't know what's wrong with me. Every day is a negative blur. Even though some happy moments exist, most of them don't hold up to the magnitude of the bad ones. Like everything is defined by negativity. Positive feelings don't really last and therefore don't make a dent on my already dim view on life. I don't know anymore. I think it's because I've been neglecting God for over a year now. Only I don't even have the energy to work on that too. I feel dead. Only I'm still physically alive. What kind of suffering is this? Because it's like, I'm not visibly sad, but I feel like nothing on most days and it's just a pitiful way to live. I'm aching, and for something that's not really a problem for other people. Other people worry less because they don't have anxiety and depression. And a whole cocktail of other mental problems. I knew I always had problems but I ignored them for so long, and now they're toppling over me and burying me in liquid lead. I can't even cry anymore. But when I do, it's for the most pitiful things like imagining my nonexistent future boyfriend confessing that he cheated on me. This is unbelievable. I'm weirdly irrational. I'm not consistent, and when I do become consistent, it's because I worked my ass off and not because of some natural talent. And maintaining high grades is seriously difficult that it's wearing me out so much. Not that I get high grades now, but in high school maybe I did sort of make the grades. I don't know why i didn't get tired back then. Maybe I changed for the worse. I always am regressing in some way. I feel like a shell of a person who used to be successful. What even is this? A midlife crisis at 17? FUCK. I don't even have real problems yet. I'll probably die because of a heart attack in combination with high blood pressure. I won't be surprised if I get that in the future. I don't deserve to live. But here I am thinking that I deserve so much better than this. I DON'T deserve shit. I don't deserve high grades. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve anything worth living for. I'm a horrible person. I'm starting to think that i don't have anything to live for. I know that's completely against my Christian beliefs, but I can't deny that I currently feel like a worthless waste of space. And the worst part is, if I got good grades, i'd probably not feel as sad as I am now because grades have somehow melded into my self-esteem. If they're low, I'm low. Currently I'm super low, so I don't even feel like improving my grades or my quality of life. This is not what a normal person is supposed to feel like. Other people have more problems than me. And they seem like they could handle them better than I can mine. I want to blame everything that has made me so ill-equipped to handle this pseudo-adult life that I'm trying to imitate. I'm 17 for fuck's sake. Why the hell would people expect me to get really high grades when the school I came from didn't really do me any good? I feel so embarrassed for myself. I'd probably graduate with no honours. And people will say, "She wasn't that smart anyway, she didn't deserve it." I HATE MY LIFE. --- there's only two weeks left and i want to back out now???? WHAT THE FUCK ABBY. GET YO ASS OFF THE LAPTOP AND START DOING THE THING. THE FUCK YOU DOING WRITING DIARY ENTRIES? --- I can't believe so much could change in six years. I mean, I was just looking at the calendar view of my journal entries and read snippets of my entries from when I was like, 11 or 12. And boy, she did seem like she wasn't me at all. I feel so disconnected to everything. She doesn't seem real now. Only I don't know why. I still have the same mind, the same body, the same everything. And I feel like we are total opposites. Like nothing in me could be similar to her right now. Everything has changed for the worse. Except possibly how I look. I mean, i haven't actually gotten more attractive over the years, but i like to think that I've lost some of the awkwardness that my eleven-year-old self had. I mean, both looks-wise and personality wise. Now, I actually am fine with talking to people, although I don't crave social interaction still. My eleven-year-old self would even dread going outside and in the public because she thinks everyone is judging her every move. I can't believe i was that stupid. I wasted a good number of my young years to worrying about something that wasn't really a problem anyway. If I didn't have anxiety, I could probably be 10x smarter now than I am today. FUCK. Why did i have to be born with the genetic disposition to anxiety? I stutter in presentations, and worse, i completely blank out even though in an empty room i would know exactly what to say. It makes me feel so worthless. I can't make things the best where they actually count. Everything is worthless if you can't prove it on paper. Like finals, and presentations --- #### FUCK THIS DORM ROOM I'M TRYING TO STUDY AND THE STUPID FAN KEEPS DISRUPTING THE PAPERS. DAMMIT THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN IF I HAD AN AIR-CONDITIONED DORM ROOM. PROBABLY SOMETHING THAT ALL OF MY CONYO CLASSMATES DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF --- I'M ACTUALLY THE HULK RIGHT NOW. I'M SO ANGRY AT MYSELF AND EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED THIS YEAR SO FAR. I DON'T EVEN STAND A CHANCE TO BECOME MAGNA CUM LAUDE, LET ALONE SUMMA. FUCK THIS LIFE AND MY STUPIDITY. WHY WAS I EVEN BROUGHT UP THIS WAY? --- GOT WHAT I DESERVED THOUGH, WHATEVER THAT BLASTED MATH GRADE IS. GEE, THANKS BRAIN FOR CHOOSING TO WATCH EX MACHINA INSTEAD OF BEING PRODUCTIVE. SHIT. CAN'T DENY THE MOVIE WAS AWESOME THOUGH. --- #### No. More. Reddit.