#### I have a huge crush on this guy in my chemistry class. Yep. Here we go again. We haven't had a real conversation. Ain't that familiar? He's Chinese. He's not conventionally attractive but he's really really attractive to me for some reason. And the reason why I'm writing about him is because I am so fed up with my hormones right now. All I think about half of the time is him. And me. Together. Doing things. Laughing. Looking into each other's eyes. Him being in love with me. Kissing. Him petting my neck. And I want to get rid of this feeling. I want to be as motivated as possible to get the highest grades and not have any distractions whatsoever. But yes, I have realised how human I am. I can't control how my brain wants all the nice feelings. Dopamine. Not doing homework because it hurts and sends panic signals. I am always succumbing to temporary pleasure. And yet, I can't help but like him. Just yesterday, we took our chemistry exam. He was in the front row sitting next to Len in a navy long-sleeve shirt which looked so good on him by the way. After the test I catch him looking in my direction and smiling. I'm not sure what he was smiling at though. I have a faint hope that maybe that smile was for me. I really hope he didn't see me look back. I don't know why but for some reason when I looked at him he looked like he was pretending to look at something else. I don't know. Maybe he was just relieved that the exam was over. That's probably that. Why do I always have to over think these things? I really want him to like me back. I mean who knows, maybe he does like me on some microscopic scale of how I like him. I mean I always do have an awkward thing for all of the slightly good looking people guys in the class. I'm not saying I'm good looking but, I don't think I'm ugly either. Or am I? I might be. But every time I see him. I mean, he's taller than me. And i know he's really smart. And I really like the way his hair is. I don't know. And his built. For some reason, he's just really really handsome. His really manly Chinese face. Everything about him is handsome. I don't know if it's just my brain idealising everything about him. Maybe it is. But I can't stop thinking about him. It hurts. I have to forcibly stop myself and even then he keeps on resurfacing in my mind doing stuff with me that will never happen in real life. I hate being a teenager. Why couldn't I just be asexual. Then I'd have no problems with this. ---- Even the music I used to like doesn't induce the same feelings anymore. I don't get goosebumps anymore. Maybe I should lay off of them for a while.