#### I had the strangest dream. I can only remember the red makeshift train which my mother and I rode. I don't remember much of the dream. Except that my mother died. And it was a horrifying experience. I can remember crying in the dream. I hope it doesn't happen in real life. I'm sure it will someday, but I hope it's not when my mother's still young. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to handle any close family deaths. --- #### I wonder what I'll turn out to be in the future. If I can have a choice, I hope I become a competent programmer. PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE. I don't want to go to med school. --- #### I find myself not caring about studying anymore. Like I'm stuck in a rut. I don't want to start studying, but at the same time, I feel really guilty. And I know I'm going to regret it later when I get results. --- And I just passed that blasted transcriber training exam that I must've took like 5-6 times over the course of late 2014 to early 2015. FUCK YEAH. I can finally do some work so I can buy new AKG earphones. Because my old ones are crumbling into obsolescence. I mean they're deteriorating faster than my brain. HAHAHAHAH. NO. I don't try to be funny, but when I do, it ends up really awkwardly. GAHAHAHAHAH. Awkardly is such an _awkward_ word. I really need to get a life. --- #### i feel like nothing is worth doing anymore. I don't even want to begin studying all the chemistry and bio that I'm supposed to be doing right now. And on top of that I still have to read up on art studies and other shit. --- #### # I feel like offing myself. Not really. --- #### All these insignificant little thoughts that I can't even justify. My irrational behaviour is dragging me to my demise. I really _REALLY_ need to get my shit together. I'm just…. so tired. I feel like giving up, and I haven't even started. I'm a coward. Worthless. I don't even have impostor syndrome because I'm not even considered competent. I don't know how to get out of this cycle. Only God can help me now.