So I just received a package from my family with lots of chocolate, stuff I need, and other things inside. It's one of the highlights of my day. I also feel unusually calm considering that we'll have our Math Long Exam tomorrow. Maybe it's God answering my prayers. I just realised that I like this guy from our block. I'm not too sure yet, but it's there. Heck, I'll like anyone who's attractive enough for me. I guess it's natural to be attracted to attractive guys. Also, throughout this week, I've caught myself more than once fantasising about what it feels like to be kissed. Not just a peck though. It has to be passionate and full of desire. I don't know what has gotten into me. The imagery I've conjured up in my head is so vivid that I swear, I already KNOW what it feels like, and yet, I still want to experience it for real. I know it's going to be wet, probably messy, but I think it will feel sweet, not sugary sweet though. The kind of sweet that makes you have butterflies and kind of tickles but isn't annoying. Plus the added fact that you know that the guy also gets the same sensations and it's quite a sure sign that he likes you. It'll probably feel like receiving a back rub or head massage. I've compared it to massages because I know what massages feel like. I can't imagine someone kissing and wanting to stop. It seems like it feels really good. Certainly you can't just do it for a minute and just let go. Of course you have to breathe, but I think you'd be too lost in the moment to care. I don't really know why I'm writing down all of this. I actually want to be kissed then? But I don't want to get married. I just want to know what it feels like. It actually aches sometimes, the want, I mean. I think it's my hormones raging. Almost every time I see an attractive guy, almost though, not every time, I imagine what it feels like to kiss him. I don't know if this is normal, and maybe it's not, but I experience these kind of thoughts. And it's not just about kissing though. I imagine a guy running his hands down my neck, my back, my waist…and me doing the same. Sometimes it worries me. What if I do find myself in a kind of situation where I'm tempted to do just that. And what if I'm really attracted to the guy, and the feeling is mutual? What will happen to me? Sometimes I think that okay, it's just a kiss so fuck it, it doesn't matter. But then I realise that it's so much more than that. I want to slap myself sometimes for thinking that way, like I could just give away my first kiss to someone who doesn't mean anything to me besides being eye candy. But I can't help thinking and fantasising about kissing and lust and desire and shit like that. What has lead me to become like this? Most of the girls I knew or know in high school are so repulsed by the thought of sex, kissing and anything on that note, thinking that it's not right for a girl to want that and like the idea of that and I pretended to be disgusted too. But ever since I was aware of guys' attractiveness, I just…well, went from there. Just this earlier in our Chem discussion class, I caught myself staring at my twenty-something professor's forearms because dammit, I think he's hot, even if he's not conventionally attractive. I don't know, he's got some sort of a charm, appeal, or whatever you want to call it. I think it's because of the fact that he's a UP professor and thereby meaning he's really, REALLY smart, and I think that adds to the appeal. He also puts little references to memes in his lecture slides, which means he's probably on the internet a lot, which I could relate to, but the thing is, he doesn't acknowledge these meme references, he just clicks next and next and let the students who get the little jokes laugh. Outside the classroom, I think he's charming. He works out I think, and maybe he's smart enough to know that some of his students feel oddly uncomfortable in the humid classroom, which has nothing to do with the heat. He was just sitting there on his desk and I don't know if he was flexing his forearms on purpose, but I wanted those forearms around me nonetheless. I think he could tell that I like him, even with my award-winning pokerface. I have fantasies about him and I confessing our subdued attraction for each other and just dive right in into a wild and passionate kiss where he cups my head slowly but aggressively and just puts his mouth in the right place to make me feel things. With his other hand well, my imagination knows no bounds. It could either be on my waist, rubbing up and down my back grazing my skin as the motions make my shirt ride up and having my hands all around his shoulders and strong upper arms and his chest and his body just pressing me up against a wall and ooooohh. But, as you might've already guessed, he isn't spared from my Facebook stalking sprees, and I found a picture of him with a kid, or at least two pictures of kids as his profile picture. I don't know if he's married or not, but daaang if he is. Although, I haven't seen any pictures of a girlfriend. Probably it's not just me, but earlier in Chem class today, I could feel a sort of tension with the one or two guys, although I can't be sure. They were joking about sex-related things and one of them (I think, but I surely couldn't have made this all up), looked at me periodically to see my reaction or what. I don't know. And once or twice, I've caught him indiscreetly stealing glances. I don't know why I'm writing this down. I don't think I'm attracted to him or anything. I'm only beginning to be exposed to the real world where teenagers talk and joke about sex because it's an interesting topic, so I don't know if I'm supposed to shrug or smile whenever they make one of these jokes. Of course, it would be awkward if I always laughed or smiled because they'd assume I was into them or something. I should rethink my priorities. As of now, my life has no fixed order. I'm not organised at all and I often forget the real reason why I'm here in UP. To be honest, I know that being here is a privilege because I get to be educated in the country's best, but sometimes I just go, "What's the point of studying this if I'm just going to end up becoming someone I don't want to." I mean, I don't even know what I want to become. I have no direction. I'm in a Science degree program and once again, I'm questioning why this is. To motivate myself, I think that lots of dumber people have graduated from Bio, but I doubt that is. And I know it's wrong. Maybe I'm the dumbest person in this course in its history, so far. Other people seem so self-assured, so organised. I, on the other hand, am a completely botched attempt of a smart person. I'm like a bastardised copy of what a smart person should be. I'm not smart at all. Not at all. I may get lucky sometimes, but something about my brain is just…off. Like it isn't consistent, and I have enough instances to prove that. It amazes me how I managed to bag the title of Valedictorian when clearly, I didn't deserve it. Kim Tee's got a nearly perfect 4.0 GPA in La Salle, while I'm over here grappling for my grades on crazy hard mode. I don't get enough time to do stuff. I'm not an efficient student. Clearly, she deserved that title. Clearly, I am jealous. She's already really pretty, uber-rich, genius one-in-a-trillion kind of girl with a very, very fortunate and enviable disposition in life. I bet she also has bajillions of friends. I don't even know how to keep some. I'm not even sure if I want to, it's just that I feel like I'd be seen as a weirdo loner kid if I went from place to place with no one. Maybe all of that attempt at friends thing I've been doing is just a big, fat, show. Like the people are just objects that I have to impress so that they'll like me. Really selfish. Really me, though. I'm not worth anyone's attention or respect, but I clearly want to have that from people. I feel so thick-headed. All my life, people have always told me more times than I can count, that I'm "smart". But deep down, I know I'm not. What has lead me to acquiring awards and prizes from contests and honour rolls, is a mystery. What has lead me to UP is also a big enigma. I'm inclined to believe it's all God, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I've been put in the wrong place because I just got lucky or something like that. I know it's good that I don't have much faith in my abilities because then I would have to depend on God more, but sometimes I think, "How the heck did I even get here?" I just made it through this day thanks to God. I made it through that math exam but I'm not really sure if I answered them right. I also got my bag back from the laundry, which is nice. I don't know why, but I really like looking at my chemistry teacher's arms.