I'm typing this out after the first two overwhelmingly angst-filled days of the school year. I really, honestly wanted to write something during the actual day itself on August 7 and 8, but I didn't really find the time to. It's Friday and my mom just officially left Manila to go home leaving me behind to have a full-packed college experience. I did cry a lot and then some more in front of my mom, but then a few days later I actually learned how to keep it to a minimum and instead only do it if I feel like I really need to cry when I'm lying in bed. It's not easy at all, but I found that prayer really, really works because when I do, somehow my day goes a lot better than expected. God is really helping me, that's for sure. When before I used to think that leaving home was the worst thing in the world, now, I actually think that it'll get better. Because I only ever concentrate on the bad parts and never think about the endless good things that could happen to me in this part of my life. When I think about home, I don't really associate it with sadness anymore, though I still have some residual feelings of homesickness. I miss my family, my dad, my sisters. And most probably my mom after she leaves, but she said she's coming back though on Aug. 19. Oh, during the eve of the first day of classes, I actually cried because my phone was ringing and it was my dad calling. I tried to stop crying but I guess I couldn't because I think my dad heard my nasally voice when he told me not to be homesick anymore. Like it was that easy to get rid of emotions. But I guess they're just encouraging me, and I think they also miss me. The highlight of my day was probably waking up in the morning and checking my picture with Mia which Ralph _actually_ liked on Facebook. I honestly don't know if he liked it because he's Mia's friend or he liked it because I was in it (or the fact that I was leaving). I suspect the latter. But I wouldn't really know for sure because he has never liked any of my pictures. But Mia was talking about me and how she bumped into me at the mall and it'd be my flight tomorrow - Aug 2 - which I told her. So that must mean… Still, I can't be too sure. I don't really know why I like him. I guess this isn't really the best entry to insert one of my high school crushes into this jumble of emotions and descriptions of the stressful days of being a college freshman. But I guess I have to keep myself preoccupied in order to keep myself from feeling down again. I just need a distraction sometimes, and I don't really feel like reading yet because I just did that earlier. It's 1:17 AM. Ralph Ardexis U. Mijares. Actually it's Raphael. Raphael Ardexis U. Mijares. The first boy whose full name I would write in one of my journal entries. He is significant because we never really became friends at all yet he still managed to stay on my mind for as long as right now even after four months of not seeing each other at school. I'm confused about a lot of things, and this is one of those things that don't really make sense to me no matter how hard I try to rationalize my behaviour. He is significant because he made me realise things about myself even though I didn't really talk to him for more than 5 minutes in the whole 2 years that I've seen him at school. I forgot about him for a while but when I found out on Facebook, I didn't really know what to feel. One "like" from him could mean a lot of things. A whole lot of interpretations. An infinite amount of explanations as to why he clicked that button to like the picture with my face on it (and Mia's). And yet somehow, I find myself wishing that he liked it because he wanted me to know that he liked me without him actually telling me. I don't even know what went through his mind when he decided to click that button. Did he actually look at that picture with my face on it? How long was he looking at it? Did he actually like it on purpose or was it an accident? Does he feel like he misses me? (Even though we didn't really talk). I personally feel like our potential friendship that never happened was one of the saddest results of me being just plain weird. I actually wanted to be friends with him, and yet I seemed to rebuff his advances at trying to talk to me (I don't really know why I do this). It may be a combination of me feeling inferior and afraid of saying embarrassing things in front of him, or maybe it could be that I was too paranoid to talk to him because maybe he could sense that I like(d) or (still like?) him. As you can see, dear reader, the kind of logic I possessed was very faulty and I really need to smack my 4th year self in the head. I remember him telling me that he didn't really notice me in 3rd year. I don't know if that means he noticed me then, or at least acknowledged my presence when I was in my fourth year. Again, a dozen explanations. I would really love to get inside his head. As for what he looks like, I may be biased. For my term paper, I picked a topic which I could be able to put a question that asked how an individual would rate himself on the attractiveness scale. Of course, I acted like it was nothing when JM gave him my questionnaire, but when I went home, I actually read it over and over again, just absorbing his penmanship, his thoughts on paper, his opinions on what he thought about his own attractiveness… A really cunning topic of my choice, because admittedly, I was just curious, and the topic was interesting to me. He rated himself a 6 out of a possible 10. Not bad. He's honest AND realistic, not like some of the others I read. Now that I look back at the height of my crush-induced feelings for him, I would have rated him even higher, because honestly, he was SO attractive to me at that point that I fantasised about doing stuff with him that wouldn't be appropriate to list down. I don't know if it's normal for girls of my age to fantasise about boys they find attractive, but I did. But since this is my private journal, I should not spare any facet of the darkest corners of my heart (or mind, whatever). I thought about kissing him. I thought about making out with him. I even thought of having "it" with him. For some reason I can't write the word even though I know nobody would find this. But now, he still is attractive to me. I thought this kind of thinking would go away with time. I don't even know anything about him apart from his birthday which is on December 24. Coincidentally, he shares the same birthday with Charlie, the weepy guy from The Perks of Being A Wallflower, from which I got his nickname from even before I found out they shared the same birthdays. Also, we share the same fear of moths and butterflies, as I was told. WALLFLOWER. I really want to know if he liked me or not, even for a fleeting second, or an hour, or a day, or a week. I would love to know what triggered his hypothetical feelings for me. What I did or said. I want to KNOW. But I wouldn't be able to know. And that's the problem. I'm stuck with this "What if…" feeling. What if he did like me? What if he did like me long before I started liking him? When did he stop? Did he actually stop? Does he actually do? Or am I just kidding my pathetic self? I don't know what this feeling is. I want to know who he likes. I don't want to hear any name besides my own. I don't even know why until now, I keep hoping. I want him to remember me. Sometimes, I just have the urge to ask someone to ask him who he likes, because I would never be brave enough to ask him myself. Maybe he also fears rejection? What if all of this is just me trying to steer things and interpret them according to what I want? How can I be objective about this when I didn't really talk to him? I could remember in 3rd year when we had our CAT practice and it was already really late by school standards, like 7PM. He and I were the only ones left, and I don't really remember the exact details, but after going out of the gate and going back inside, he talked to me about how a 4th year student's arms couldn't handle holding the sword up for so long. He even demonstrated by supporting his arm and shaking it to show how that student's arms really couldn't take it any longer. I think I said something about how girls aren't allowed to do push-ups. Exactly why I chose to talk about that, I have no idea. I think that was the longest conversation we had. I really, really, really just want to KNOW. I want to know so that I won't have this hanging feeling of uncertainty. I want to be sure if he liked me or not, because really, this whole Not-knowing thing is really driving me mad. Why does this have to last as long? I'm already in college, and even though I see really attractive guys, I don't know why I keep on harping on about this ONE Guy. I still have to get over him, but the fact that he liked that picture made it all the more harder.