I just don't know what to feel right now. No, I think I do have some sort of an idea but I have no idea how to express it in words. But I'll try. First of all, today was a Friday and I am so exhausted. I can physically and mentally feel the burnout and it's only been less than two weeks of university life for me. I just can't imagine how I'll be able to handle years of this before I graduate. I hope I get used to this. Although, if you asked me two weeks ago, I'm at least better adjusted now compared to the me then. My feet hurt, my legs hurt, I feel so tired, my eyes droop because I slept so late. And on top of that, I only got 6.5/8.5 out of my chemistry short quiz, whereas the day before that, I scored a perfect 7/7. I know it's not a bad score, but I also know that I could have done better. I just realised that I am so much in a hurry to just get over this part of my life that I sometimes can't handle the thought of having to be stuck in this phase. I like learning, I like reading and all too, but having to be graded for it and being compared to others just takes the life out of learning. I know that I could do my best, but it just makes me furious sometimes that other people don't have to try as hard and even get higher grades. I know I have a highest possible potential GWA, but what if that isn't enough? I really don't know where to get more motivation. And time too. I just bought new Hush Puppies Shoes with my mom in SM Megamall in Ortigas. I really really am sorry for the way I acted around her. I was being whiny again and generally being very irritating. Again, I don't know why. I could be so kind to people I don't really like, but I can't control my disdain for the certain things my mom sometimes does that I think are annoying. I don't know anymore. I'm the worst person I know. I'm also very confused. I don't know if I'll ever at least like, or become interested in my course, BS Biology. I don't know anything anymore. I'm not sure of anything. I don't see anything good coming, but some tiny part of me hopes that I'm wrong. Anything can happen between months and weeks. I hope the events lean toward the positive. I hope I don't get depressed. Or sluggish. I have no idea if I'll make it. Of course, it's going to be inevitable that I'll study and stay up late and then fall asleep in class, which will make me miss important concepts being discussed which is equivalent to me being absent, like what happened in my Philosophy class today. Also, I hate the fact that I keep on sweating no matter how slow I walk. Also, I hate the fact that on Wednesdays and Fridays, I have absolutely little time to get from class to class. That's why I have to keep on hurrying. See the struggle? Also, I feel like I'm the most awkward person who doesn't know how to socialise even though I'm almost 17. I also don't know why, but for some reason, I ignore people if I don't feel comfortable talking to them, or if I'm nervous around them, which leads them to think that I'm a snobbish bitch, I think. I hope I get over this soon, because I really want to be a normal, well-adjusted person who has friends. I don't know how to talk to people, and worst of all, I don't know how to talk in Tagalog very much. I'm learning, but I really have to switch to English if I become so tired of thinking of Tagalog alternatives. All these little things seem like very trivial problems, but I feel like they all add up to make me very miserable here. I keep wondering how life would be like now if I had decided to stay in Cagayan de Oro in Xavier. But then again, I'm in the no. 1 ranked University of the Philippines. I just have to adjust, I think. More time, I think. More faith. More prayer. Because I just realised how useless I am without them. I really need self-improvement. I should also stop whining.