I can't even begin describing what happened today without having to tear up every three minutes or so. I'll begin by describing every single detail I can remember so that when I read this in the future, hopefully it will be something I'll laugh about or tenderly reminisce because I don't want this day forgotten or even worse, remembered as the start of a very, very sad chapter in my life leading to more very, very sad chapters. I am currently 16, turning 17 in October, and today/tonight, at 2:00 AM in the morning, I am writing this just after I've stuffed my clothes and managed to zipper up that stubborn luggage to make it hold everything that I have so insensitively crammed in it without thinking how much it could hold. But I managed to after some struggle, so I guess I feel a slight elation at this? If I could have more of these slight elations… It is August 1, and I woke up knowing that in a matter of hours, I would be boarding up a plane to go North and study in UP. With me waking up at almost 12:30 in the afternoon, I had wasted most of the morning of this very significant day. I did almost nothing productive in the afternoon leading up to this grand event. I read the Perks of Being A Wallflower which took most of the afternoon and some 2 hours in the evening, and my aunts came to say goodbye and brought pizza which I probably ate 4 slices of. They also sponsored some of the things I needed like underwear, pajamas, a raincoat, an umbrella, some clothes and jeans and generally the things that I'd badly need to look and live decent. They're like the fairy godmothers I never had. I'm just happy that they helped out buying these things for me because I don't want my parents to be burdened so much. The grand event didn't take place until dinner. When my dad was saying some stuff about me being away and missing my baby sister, Amber, and about how they would miss me too. DAMMIT, I'm tearing up. I couldn't stop the tears from coming down then so I gave up. I covered my eyes. It was very embarrassing. I don't know why crying in front of my parents who love me have to be so embarrassing to me. I continue crying and then my mom begins to cry too. And I CAN'T STOP. I don't stop crying even after going in the CR and had managed to put ice on my red, blood-shot eyes to lessen the puffiness because we'd be going to the mall tonight. Even after I thought that I had let out the worst bout of crying and drained most of it, l continue to have these waves of silent torture as I try to hold it in while being in the car going to the mall. I bought a VGA adapter for my macbook and it cost P2,200 which I thought was super-overpriced. It was P1,499 at the Apple website. While going to the movie place, I bumped into Mia, and she took my picture and we talked a bit. I think I even saw Ralph but I'm not so sure. I only saw his eyes, or just his eye, because some girl was blocking his whole profile. I could have sworn he was behind me in the escalator, though I would never know if it was really him, because I never looked back. Regarding who he is, I would have to write a whole years' worth of my 4th year in high school, which frankly, I don't have the luxury of time to do. (It's 2:30 AM now and we're going to the airport at 4:30) My family went to the mall to watch a movie, Hercules, and it was okay. I have a huge feeling that I'd cry again once I go to the airport and I'd probably write a journal entry affirming my suspicions, when my family would have that moment, hugging me, saying their final goodbyes. It will be as if I'd never go back. But I would be back in 5 months, on December. I'd probably cry on that plane silently too, while my mother sleeps. If I could have some mask to cover my face, that'd be great. After countless failed attempts, I now know that I shouldn't even bother stopping my tears, because all abortive methods are futile. First, the technique of looking down and diverting my thoughts didn't work as well as I'd hoped because my highly volatile emotions managed to override any kind of distraction and of course, by then I had no chance but to give way to the deluge. Second, once I'd realised that the tears flowed, then I think, "Okay, this is not too bad, but will you stop it , like right now?" But I couldn't. I apparently don't have the iron will that I'd deluded myself into thinking that I did. This leads me to think that emotions are always irrational and unpredictable and I could not trust myself into stopping them when they're triggered. I've always fancied myself as an unemotional, cold, heartless robot with no regard for other people's affections, but moments like that at dinner, or some words or gesture that people say or do that make me feel loved or cared for, catch me off guard and trigger the tears. Turns out that I don't really know myself that well. That, or I've been denying that softie side of me the opportunity to present itself but it always manages to dig its way through my supposedly tough exterior and makes me look like a fool. I don't even know why I'm like this. I can't even express my true feelings without being afraid of being judged for it. I want to be kind and affectionate to the people who care about me especially my parents, and I guess my tears show how much I care for them. But that's the farthest I've done these couple of months in terms of showing my love for them. I don't know how this mentality of "I-have-to-appear-cold-and-unemotional-so-that-I'll-be-respected-and-feared-and-because-I-think-showing-affection-is-stupid-" managed to tether itself into my brain and consequently my behaviour. Meanwhile, I (tried) so much to be presentable and kind to people who I don't even like at school. Maybe I just got too comfortable with my family, but I know that isn't an excuse. When I come back, I'll try to be kinder and more like a good daughter than I am right now. I'll study hard knowing that they sent me there not too fool around, but because they want me to be successful and competent and give glory to God. I know I'm blessed in that way because God gave me two very supportive and loving parents. My journal entries need more in-depth discussions about my life, because I know now that I can't leave everything to memory. But I admit that I'm still a bit hesitant. I'd already installed this app with the security password lock and all but it'll take some getting used to, I guess. I want to chronicle every single detail about how I felt, how I acted, and how I did in life. It's like writing a book, which I've always fantasized doing someday, but it'll be about me.